Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Today was better. H hurt his ankle and wasn't feeling well and he allowed me to sit with him and rub his back for a while. I know that comes off sounding as if I'm the biggest doormat in the world, by saying "he allowed me." Did not thank me, btw.

However, we just talked about the kids and their sports and neutral stuff. No fighting, no talking about R. Just talking. We talked about the finances a little too and I said it felt good to be getting a handle on it.

And last night, he almost ate dinner with us. We all ate the same food, at the same time, except he ate his standing up at the counter instead of at the table. It's progress, however small.

Now if I can just be patient at this. His birthday is 11/2. I was thinking of telling him I'd like to take him out to dinner.

[hopefulinga]

Glad it was a better day. Maybe see how the next few weeks go and the last week of the month ask him about going out? You are noticing the small progress, so keep focusing on that. I know how hard it is to be patient and not to lash out at the lack of progress.

[NLW]

If you ask him out - remember - have no expectations.

Even if he says Yes - don't expect that it will necessarily turn out to be a nice time.

I recall early on in my sitch asking H to lunch at 'our' restaurant for a birthday.

I was surprised when he agreed, but half-way through what was otherwise a 'normal' lunch, H launched into a monologue about how i'd have to give him our family car and buy myself a new one.

It was awful, and I felt used.

Big lesson learnt.

[mamabird]

Good advice on the dinner/birthday. Of course, then I'll be back to walking on eggshells. But I guess it's more important to ask and show the caring than not.

I do think H wants to feel loved, which is why he allows me to be close to him sometimes. If we can keep the R talk at bay for a while and stop bringing the past into every conversation, maybe we've got a shot.

Weird thing happened last night. H went out and got home around 11. He went into "his" room and started getting ready for bed and I heard his phone ring with a ringtone I had never heard. He also said Hello in a way I don't usually hear, which is hard to explain in writing. It wasn't "hey babe" or anything like that, but clearly it was someone he knew well. All I heard him say was "hello" and "yeah" and I guess that was the end of the conversation.

I pretended like I had forgotten my mouthguard so I had an excuse to go in there. He was just watching TV and I asked him how his night was. 5 minute conversation.

I'm definitely feeling like I have to keep my antenna up at this point, even though things have been going more smoothly between us. Trust is going to have to be rebuilt going in both directions...

Also next weekend we are going camping as a family. We have our "all school" campout. We agreed to share a campsite and have 2 tents and drive 2 cars. We did this last year so it's not new news. This should be interesting. I'm expecting him to pretty much blow me off the whole time and I think if I go in like that, I'll be able to deal with it if he actually does that.

[mamabird]

H not feeling well today. He was supposed to come with me and the boys to the rock climbing gym and then he texted saying he was not feeling well. Unfortunately I am starting to get paranoid and thinking he's lying and spending time with some other woman. But I called him and he answered and definitely sounded under the weather.

I guess this is my chance to take care of him a little bit. That late night phone call has me a little freaked out.

[mamabird]

Also another small victory I forgot to mention: I made some cranberry nut bread last night and H actually wanted to eat some for breakfast today. When I asked him if he liked it he said it was "delicious"! That's something I haven't heard in a while.

[25yearsmlc]

Regretful,

I'm all for seeing the positives and hanging in there. I HOPE that's clear, based on my own timeline. I also will STIPULATE that you screwed up by having an affair. Period.

But all I see here for the past several months, is you getting a lot of crap from an angry vindictive man who holds grudges for life. You said you were sorry and unlike many, you meant it.

You HAVE done NC with OM. You really do appear to be trying. I'm not sure what else YOU can do to "earn" his trust back but I am sure he's making it as hard as HE can for you....why is that?


And he takes zero ownership of his role in the affairs - but I guess you are so miserable in self loathing and self reproach, that you cannot see his role either.

OR you can see it and have mentioned it, but you fear saying that again here b/c so many LBSers will jump down your throat. Many of us have been wounded by affairs but sometimes we choose not to look at our own parts in them.

I'm trying to be Solution based here. What is going to be done to reconcile?

For ONCE, can we just focus on him and his crap attitude and treatment of you now?

See, I know you don't control him. YOU certainly know that.

Some people cannot get past an affair. If your h is one of them, let's find out NOW!

If he won't just quit the m, b/c he'd rather not "lose" - then

IMO, your h may very well wish to stay together BUT he's not up to restore the marriage. That requires HIM to change even without certainty of your changes.

I think He wants to punish you, yet he won't let you go.

Why is that?

B/C he's not done punishing you OR

b/c he wants to work on things?

I'm not sure he knows. Do you?

How long are you going to be punished for the past, in front of your kids?

What do you think they are learning from this?

What ELSE might you teach them?

[mamabird]

25 - sigh.

We all are here because these situations are NEVER easy. If there were easy answers we wouldn't need each other.

So to answer your questions -
I have realized he's taken no responsibility for his role in this. As far as I can see, I'm the LBS here and he's the WAS. But we're both responsible for our own behavior. He hasn't really acknowledged that he didn't contribute to loving me in the way I needed to be loved and that he let me down emotionally. He's so focused on what he tried to do that he can't see or accept his failing.

I would love nothing more than to focus on his crap attitude and treatment. And I agree, it's not right. However, who's to say when is the appropriate time for him to come around? I guess that's the counter argument. I've been advised not to push him and let him come around on his own time and terms.

So yes, I acknowledge that he's not pulling his weight, he's not contributing and he's not trying. I acknowledge that he's been punishing me. I acknowledge that it's not fair right now. But I'm putting all that aside for the moment in the hopes that giving him some space/not pursuing will allow him to come back. This isn't something I'd be willing to put up with forever.

As far as working on it - well, he's continuing to allow physical contact. He's been compliant in not bringing up the past as I requested. He did suggest going to MC (but we have a financial issue right now). He's NOT 100% ready to commit to working on it, I know that... but he is letting his guard down a bit and allowing me to show him that I have changed. It's good progress even though we're not "actively" working on it yet.

He may be one of those people who can't get past the EA that I had. I feel like with some true understanding he would be able to but we haven't gotten there yet. Who knows if we will.

I'm willing to be patient though, for a while longer. He's still not really reciprocating any of my affection or attention but everyone says give it time, give it time... and since I am seeing some small changes I continue to be willing to persevere...

[hopefulinga]

LA, I know how frustrating some of your H's behavior can be. It is hard when they do not accept their role, or continue to say how hard they've tried. Our difference is that we are trying to DB, do 180s, not more of the same. They don't understand that philosophy.

If you are seeing small changes, keep at it. It may take him a while to reciprocate the affection. Have you seen any small signs?

I think what ever you do, it is going to be hard to try to get across what you were lacking without blaming, or at least that is how he will take it. If you can get him to see what you need, then maybe he will start to work on that at some point.

[mamabird]

I guess I'm not in much of a rush at this point for him to see my side of things. I'm focused on healing right now so we can resume some sort of normalcy in the day to day. And the fact that we are getting along is good, good enough for me to put aside the rest of it for now.

I haven't seen any signs of him wanting to be affectionate. I guess he wasn't that affectionate to begin with. But he would always kiss me goodbye when leaving and that kind of thing. Now, at least he's saying goodbye and saying goodnight. And we watched a movie together last night. He would say we watched a movie while I was rubbing his back, I would say I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He likes it, it makes him feel better about things, so why not? I feel like he does not want to ML right now, which is fine.

If we can continue to move along like this, without focusing on the past, and both of us watching our behavior, I think that will be progress. Once we can get into some sort of MC we can start dissecting... I do know for sure that arguing about who did what to whom hasn't been working.