My Most Important Week Yet

[Denver_2010]

[quote=Crazyville]

But in a case where the WAS walked because the LBS failed the M, then I think some work HAS to be done to win them back, regardless of an OP or not. Especially if the LBS actually wants them back. Otherwise, going dark is just giving the OP free reign at your WAS. The OP doesn't even have to work hard, because the LBS has already done the hard part for them. All they have to be is breathing and they look better than dark (dead.)
quote]

I lived this. I used a combination of a soft approach and a harsh approach. But my boundary was always "as long as OM is a part of your life, I will not be." And I did go dark during those times. Eventually, my W would reach out to me. The process repeated a few times until I learned that each time that she began to miss me and reached out to me, I let her back into my life TOO easily. Once i figured that out, and declared that I was DONE is when the tide turned completely.

I can tell you that it does NOT matter what you do when there is an OP involved. You do NOT have a snow ball's chance in hell to R.

You go dark in this situation for multiple reasons IMO, 1) self respect, 2) to protect yourself and your emotional well being, 3) to let the LBS have what they want, space to figure it out for themselves, 4) to let them reap what they sow, whether that is good for them, or bad, and 5) to create absence that is hopefully followed by the LBS missing you and realizing what they are throwing away.

There is also the theory, and I DO agree with it, that one of the surest ways to end an A is to push the cheating spouse closer to her/his A partner, rather than trying to pull them apart. Why would you do this? To let the newness and excitement subside and to reveal that the new R is full of the same issues and problems as any other R.

The reality is that most A's do not last. Those that do, and turn into real relationships, usually end. The statistics that I've read support this.

By fruitlessly trying to tear your spouse away from his/her A partner, IMO, you are only prolonging the A.

Your best bet, IMO, is:

1) to state your feelings ONE time - "I still love you and I want this marriage to work",

2) state your boundary - "I will not be in your life as long as OM is",

3) enforce that boundary,

4) Go dark - Which does not mean ignoring attempts by the WAW to reach out, but does mean being short and to the point when she does,

5) GAL - learn that there is a good life regardless of what happens with your M,

6) Work on yourself - 180's - And let the normal course of life reveal your changes to the WAW.

7) Wait out the A until you can no longer do it,

8) Learn true patience,

9) Learn that this isn't going to get better quickly... it is going to take LOTS of time and perseverance.


10) Let life play out and see where you come out on the other end.

That is pretty much my situation in a nutshell... of course it didn't always go smoothly... but it did work.

AT - buddy, I'm not going to beat around the bush. However, I think that some of what is being said could mislead you. I think that you had a great night last night. Point for the LBS's. But your W's reaction was only a small flicker of the flame that MAY someday turn into a true fire. You've got to stick to YOUR plan. Stay consistent. Let her come to you. Either she does or she doesn't. If she truly loves you still wants this M to work, and finds that she is NOT happier without you, she will think back to what you said last night, and she will come to you. If she finds that her life is happier without you, then she won't.