Years ago I caught this beautiful 6 foot gigantic marlin. I had it stuffed and I love it. W said it’s not going on the wall unless we buy a house with a den. Well, there’s no den. My awesome fish has been collecting dust while it’s been stored away in the garage. Today is a good day. That beautiful damn fish is getting dusted off, it’s looking awesome as ever and it’s going up on the wall, front and center!
I need to put some thought into that Denver. I can speculate but I cant put my finger on it. Our sex life was pathedic and she usually needed to be drunk. I really wish I could ask W why we didnt have an emotional or physical connection. I would love to know the answer.
I need to put some thought into that Denver. I can speculate but I cant put my finger on it. Our sex life was pathedic and she usually needed to be drunk. I really wish I could ask W why we didnt have an emotional or physical connection. I would love to know the answer.
Something that I found to be a good read when I was learning about emotional intimacy and how it coincides with physical intimacy. You might find it interesting as well. The website has other articles on emotional intimacy too.
"What Happens When Your Wife's Need for Intimacy is Not Met? By Gary and Barbara Rosberg America's Family Coaches (c) 2000 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg Used with Permission
She will withdraw.
When you sense your wife's wall going up, you know that something is very wrong. From a woman's perspective, it means that her husband is not a harbor of safety but a threat. This pattern of withdrawal can do significant damage to a relationship. And if this remains unaddressed, over time you can end up as two strangers coexisting under the same roof, sharing meals and the same bed but walled off from each other emotional.
Take a look at the guy in the mirror and ask the hard question: "what have I said or done to contribute to the wall my wife has built?"
Much of the time a woman will withdraw to protect herself if she is threatened by something you are doing or if she is feeling verbally attacked. When your words are positive, they strengthen the very foundation of your marriage. But if your words are critical, harsh, and destructive, your wife will retreat to protect herself. If you are using retaliation to her, if you are belittling her, you are throwing bricks at her and bruising her heart; she may then take those bricks and continue to build the wall. Take the lead, and address the pain. Become responsible for the tone of the relationship, and get back on course, especially if you're guilty of contributing to the pain.
If you see any of the following danger signals, your wife may be withdrawing, isolating herself, protecting herself from being hurt:
- Is your wife acting distracted?
- Does she maintained a distant relationship with you?
- Is she spending more time than usual at work or in other activities?
- Is she too busy to be intimate with you?
- Does she avoids spending time along with you?
- Do the children seem to be a higher priority for her then you are?
A woman can hide behind the wall, where she can flee by staying busy with a full personal calendar that doesn't have your name on it. When a woman seems cold and emotionally frozen, some men will make the mistake of trying to get her to snap out of it, by "setting her straight." I assure you, this is no way to win your wife back. If you intimidate her by rage, anger, or demands, she will withdraw even more. She will stay locked up and frozen.
She Will Not Feel Free to Respond to You Sexually
Husbands tend to interpret their wife's resistance to their sexual advances as rejection. Often her resistance is not rejection, however, it is an indication that she may not feel safe for that she can't get beyond a conflict the two of you are having.
Mike is a workaholic who wins at work. He thrives on conquest, whether it is people or deals. Fifteen hour days consume him. He's proud of the lifestyle he has provided for his wife, Peggy. After all, he has achieved the American dream of having it all: a large home in a gated community, a three-car garage with two new cars, and his-and-her snowmobiles.
But what defines success in industry doesn't defines success at home. The work that provides all the toys is nothing other than the "other woman" in Peggy's eyes; work is the mistress that is robbing her of her husband's focus and attention. She's being squeezed out of his daily planner.
When the doors of the master bedroom suite close them off from the rest of the house, the two people inside are closed off from each other as well. Mike may conquer at work, but he's not winning with her. If he truly cared about her, he would be as eager about spending time with her as he is about spending time at work. Most days he is so spent by the time he gets home that he doesn't have the emotional energy to satisfy her heart needs, and Peggy responds by rejecting his sexual advances.
If a man wants great sex with his wife behind the bedroom door, he needs to work on the way he relates to her outside those doors.
She May Look Elsewhere to Have Her Needs Met
Another consequence of your wife's unmet need for emotional intimacy is that she may become involved with another man. This is a worst-case scenario, but it does happen. If a woman is not understood and cherished, if her need for emotional intimacy is not met, she becomes vulnerable to other men who show interest in her thoughts and emotions.
If another man makes your wife feel comfortable and safe, validating her thoughts, and sharing her emotions, you can be headed for trouble. In all likelihood, this man will be someone she encounters in ordinary daily life: your best friend, a neighbor, her boss, or a fellow associate. It will start out very innocently with a few conversations here and there. The more compassionate or empathetic he is, the more dangerous it becomes."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hurt me too when I started trying to learn this. Too late to prevent my marriage from falling apart, and that is what hurt. But I took it upon myself during that time to start reading things like that so that I could learn and be better. I certainly didn't want to repeat the same mistakes if my W came back to me, or in a new R if she didn't. Pretty cliche, but when life gives you lemons... well, you know the rest.
Oh, and BTW, I can tell you for a fact that learning to establish emotional intimacy DOES pay off.
Still learning and striving not to unlearn... every day.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That's funny AT, I knew what you were meaning to say. Yeah Denver, what your talking about is a huge part of my M breakdown. I really need to try and learn this!
25, I addressed some of your questions earlier today. Here's a couple more. I am sure there's others so please let me know.
So, who’s the new you?
It’s still evolving 25. I haven’t been in charge of the bills for so long, I am learning a lot about finances, budgeting, etc.. The new me is learning how to be more independent. In a sick kind of way, this sh!t probably helped save me. The new me is identifying boundaries, what they mean, the value in them. Even though I am a bit week, the new me is becoming much stronger of a person. I am learning how to face things head on and not be so manipulative. I am learning the importance of self respect and how respect is earned. How can I show her that man?
Well, making more money would be extremely helpful. I am giving me job until the end of the year before I make a commitment to find something else. Since our separation I’ve been consistently paying W the monthly amount we agreed upon. I think if I can find a way to step up, go above and beyond, that would be really important. Pay for stuff that I usually don’t pay for like the kids clothes, etc... How can I be that man?
Hopefully I am starting to outline it. I know Ive learned a ton over the last couple months. Right now I am really trying to grasp and understand how the “emotional intimacy” thing works. To be quiet honest, it’s not a subject I’ve looked into much. The article Denver recently posted was really good but I still have a lot more to learn about the topic.
Is it b/c you know you are so not ready for a r with OW?
[color:#CC0000]Do you see any patterns in how you feel and interact with your w, or don't, and then how you start "needing" to be with the ladies even while claiming to be working on the m? ANY patterns?
I think it’s showing a pattern of confusion at several level. I am confused on how to interact with W right now. I am confused about how I feel about W right now.
