Hey Everyone... I want to thank each one of you for your kind words today, and over the past week. They've been very helpful and I really appreciate each of you for reading and chiming in.
Now, I DEFINITELY need to do some journaling.
Despite the sense of accomplishment that I feel due to my words and actions yesterday, the longer I'm awake today, the deeper I'm spiraling into a pretty nasty depression.
This is most certainly nothing new, and nothing unexpected... I mean hell, I get sad the day after we TALK ON THE PHONE or just exchange emails. Actually seeing her, holding her in my arms for a few seconds, laughing with her, listening and talking while being able to look her in the eyes... It's really bringing me down that I won't be doing any of that again for quite some time.
While I know I gave her plenty to think about, she's also given me a whole lot to turn over in my head... A few of the things she said to me are echoing in this dark tunnel I'm falling down right now: The Numbness, her certainty that I was done with her due to my "going dark", her telling me, even if it was only once and very brief, that she thought we should D (and she'd done her research on costs etc.), her admitting to her relationship with OM, her not seeing how she could ever get back together with me, especially knowing that she feels such a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders now that she doesn't have to interact with my family...
Just a laundry list of the negatives that came out yesterday. While I'm sure there are just as many, if not more positives that I can take out of the communications, those aren't clear right now.
I know that I'm not even close to being done fighting here. I know I have a long way to go within myself before I'm even ready to "reach out of the dark" to take the fight to her door.
But that doesn't make any of this easy.
She took all the pictures of us down and took them with her. She took our wedding video... Good signs? Bad signs?
I know this: Looking around this suddenly half-empty house is killing me. I'm breaking down crying every time I notice something missing that was here just yesterday.
Especially W. Yesterday confirmed that I'm not fighting in vain... despite the awful sting I feel today, our conversations yesterday still give me hope of a bright future.
I just can't see it right now. And I can't stop missing her no matter how hard I try.
