i am love this thread. Tumbling your journaling is thought provoking and i am really going to sit and reflect upon losing myself and why. SS i definitely relate to the losing ourselves in our roles as wives. I know i did almost everything out of what i excepted H to expect. it was so stressful and led to a lot of anger on my part. A lot of resentment.
I admit that growing up i saw very little of what a healthy relationship looks like. Or how a husband and wife treat each other when they are in a loving relationship. So i just assumed i need to be this ideal wife and have the perfect home...i would stress out on stupid/simple decisions.
So glad i can 'see' now.
but yes, getting back to our BEST selves so to speak...i wonder when i lost her...
And i get you Tumbling about H not really having fun with me anymore. Because yes, i always wanted to 'talk'. I did stop being fun. I was so full of resentment and anger and hurt that i became needy and lost my sense of self, self confidence and self worth. That i can see for sure.
Anyway, thank you again. I am going to reread what has been written here.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
And i get you Tumbling about H not really having fun with me anymore. Because yes, i always wanted to 'talk'. I did stop being fun. I was so full of resentment and anger and hurt that i became needy and lost my sense of self, self confidence and self worth. That i can see for sure.
This all makes so much sense to me. I feel the same way and sometimes sit here and ask myself where is the fun person and how do I get her back?
Tumbling, I'm glad you can identify CG and are aiming to get her back. I've talked about finding my fun, carefree self with my DB coach, so it is definitely going down a good path.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I've been working on a project in my LR for over a 2 weeks. It involves lots of pieces and glue and glue guns but it's going to be beautiful. In the past i would have worried about cleaning up the mess every day, and then having to drag it all out again when I had the time to work on it.
Now, I've just left is out, happily and can pick up a few pieces and work anytime I want.
This feeling of having to clean it up is not something my H imposed on me but that I imposed on myself ASSUMING that he would want everything to be neat because he is a neat guy who always cleans up after himself with projects, etc.
I sabotaged myself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
it's so hard because we are, by nature and by environmental pressures, big on nurturing. maybe we should not "mother" our H's so much and "mother" ourselves more? we could start by doing what we want to do instead of doing what we think we're "supposed" to do. it's hard for women.
we need to be more like men... ;-)
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS-i like the idea of doing what we want to do rather than what we think we should do. Indeed most of the time i wasn't even sure what it was H wanted, i just assumed i was supposed to do all of these things around the house and as a wife.... crazy in retrospect..
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Wow - amazed that my post about Canada Girl and housekeeping got this discussion started! Thought you'd all think I was nuts...
Last night when I was writing about it, I had a flash-thought that if I'd married someone else perhaps it wouldn't have happened...I quickly buried that tho...because I'm with you Bug that I ASSUMED that I ought to behave a certain way even tho H said to me that he didn't expect me to do any of it.
I'm with you too SS that it's societal pressure/ expectations. I think little girls are conditioned/brought up to both nurture and please others, we are told we are "good girls" when we do. We are taught to put ourselves second, that it's ok not to be a winner, whilst little boys are taught that winning counts etc
What I can't get my head round is my resentment w doing the laundry, food shopping, cleaning etc? At least if I did those chores then the clothes I wanted to wear were clean, the food in the fridge was what I wanted to eat and the house was how I wanted it.
And another thing...when H did do anything I felt guilty. The only time I didn't feel guilty was if we were doing it together - like if I cleaned upstairs while he did downstairs.
These are my issues not his but they no doubt contributed to why he left
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
so the next question...who is the real me? i am gonna go a lookin!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
