For me? It would have confirmed for me that you didn't love me. If I already had doubts, it would have been the icing on the cake.
These were her words almost exactly CV. This is the exact reason that my stance yesterday threw her completely off balance. She as expecting me to simply agree to the D and move on. She told me all of this as well.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
This theme of women doing something to try to get a reaction from their men is riddled throughout chick-flicks. The problem being, of course, that it's the women that are watching them, not the men. I can think of a line in "The Break-Up" where Jennifer Anniston says that she didn't really want to break-up with her BF, she just wanted to wake him up, to get him to fight for their R. He didn't. They broke up. He woke up after it was too late. It's not a game, just a huge communication problem between men and women, I think.
Yup, and thanks for spoiling that movie... LOL Just kidding!
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
AT, I'm going to ask you something, and only you can answer. There is a lot of noise on this post right now with very conflicting positions. And then there's the one that's right for you. You did very well last night in communicating your position and laying down your boundaries. You listened to your W telling you that she felt like you didn't fight for her, and you told her you weren't going to while OM was in the picture. And then you shut down the conversation and went on to other light-hearted conversation. Then you followed through on your "ultimatum" by not responding to W's text at 2:30 in the morning.
Did you, at any point in the conversation last night, ask your W if there was anything you could do now that would evidence to HER that you are willing to fight for her? NOW? In spite of OM? And then offer some ideas, measurable things (moving, different job, trip away, marriage retreat, etc. whatever is relevant to your sitch)? After what she said to you yesterday, I'm wondering what she was hoping for in response to her text at 2:30am? I can pretty well guarantee you she wasn't hoping for silence. I'm sure she thought about your conversation the w-h-o-l-e way home. Maybe she heard you, too.
CV, I'm glad you asked this, and yes. Absolutely. During our conversations yesterday I did ask her what it was that she wanted from me, what I could actually do to prove the fight isn't just in words. I gave some concrete examples of things that I would be willing to do IF she decided to end it with OM permanently... but I also had to make it clear that I wasn't willing to do any more for our R in it's current state.
Her response to these lines of communication were mostly confusion.
I really threw her for a loop showing that I still wanted to be in this M.
And she needs time to digest that.
She said she's been "Numb" to me and to us for a while now... and despite her bad night now and again... she can't bring herself to think about a future for us due to this numbness.
Numb... It's an awful lot like she's just bottling up these emotions IMO... Something she knows she has an issue with...
Numb didn't crush me like I thought it might. It actually gave me a little more hope. Because numb can't last forever.
But it definitely gave me pause about not responding to her texts or emails... knowing that the message a lack of response sends to her is that I don't care. I never explained the lack of a response, and she didn't ask for an explanation of that.
But I definitely made it clear that while I don't want her reaching out while OM is in the picture, WHEN she reaches out again, she won't be met with darkness. The fight will become more obvious to her, once I see that she's taking steps to work on our M.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
Maybe it is too late and there is absolutely nothing you could do at this point and going dark is the absolute best thing you could do. But if I were you, I would sure want to know that straight from the horse's mouth, rather than from a bunch of unknown people on a forum, albeit with the advice being offered with the best of intentions.
I certainly hope its not too late, and I absolutely don't get that feeling after yesterday. I think there's more than a few things she'll be turning around in her head over the next day or two. And now the ball is in her court to make the next move.
I made it crystal clear that I love her, that I want our M to work, and that I'm willing to knock down mountains to work on a new relationship with her.
And she knows the conditions to my mountain-crushing.
They are not tough conditions to follow. They are simple matters of respect. For me, for her and for our marriage.
She has decisions to make, ones that I'm sure aren't easy for her. And I'll be here, working on me and hoping to hear from her again some day.
Maybe I won't. But at least now I know I tried just about everything and was able to make it crystal clear to her that I AM fighting for me and for us.
