So, continuation of sitch Arron a couple of posts ago. Wife of course went out after seemingly getting mad at me for daughter's words and affection. Anyway, I woke up this morning at around 4am which is normal. Went to make coffee, looked outside and W's van was not in the driveway. For a brief second, I was angry but it went away pretty quick( think that's a good sign for me). Anyway, made a cup of coffee and came down to the basement to work a little before the kids woke up. Worked a little, and went back upstairs about 4:30 or so for another cup of joe. I heard the keys rattle in the door! Uh oh! Here we go I thought! Anyway we have a hotel style latch on the front door that D15 must have latched. When W tried opening the door it just caught. She stood there for a second, I'm sure trying to figure out if she had to ring the doorbell. I think to her suprise, I opened the door and said " hey, sorry but not sure how the door got locked"! I was in a fairly chipper mood towards her, and didn't say anything about the time, where she had been, or anything. To be quite honest, I really didn't care that much. I went back over and continued to make my coffee, without saying another word(was whistling a cheery tone though). And W went up stairs to bed.
I continued to work in the basement for the next few hours. Guess it was about 10am or so, here comes the W. I was painting and I looked over and said in the best mood possible" Hey good morning, how are ya" and just went back to painting. She made small talk about the paint and things. I listened, and answered and acted like Huck Finn having the most enjoyable paint session ever! I continued to work and she went upstairs. Throughout the afternoon, she was in the bedroom apparently studying. She came downstairs a few times and started chatting about stuff. Nothin major of course. Saying how she couldn't concentrate with the noise outside, neighborhood kids, our kids playing the piano, etc. I was laying on the couch with D4 and Sons watching some Animal Planet show. She came into the LR and laid on the couch. We all conversed a little and I got up and continued in the basement.
About 5 or so, realizing what time it was, I started making dinner. She said "I'm not going to eat, I have to go somewhere to study". I said ok and continued to cook. She left soon after to do what ever it is she is doing. That's where I am now.
Of course part of me still have the same emotions as before, but they are nowhere close to being as strong. The wondering, the anger, etc. but for the most part, I really don't care where she is! Is this normal? Is this a sign that it's time for me to move on? Is this just pity I feel for her for being so f'n lost? I really do not know!
Can anyone provide any insight to what they may see? Is detachment working? I still need to post about her cake eating and get guidance. She hasn't really lifted a finger around the house for the last month or so. I refuse to live as roommates and feel used. I can't stop what I am doing because I do these things for the kids. She just reaps the benefits! I so damn confused!
By followers I meant people that keep up with my sitch, not like Charles Manson or anything. LOL. I read a lot of posts that seem to get constant feedback. Guess a little jealousy shined through. I'm just kinda lost and frustrated right now, looking for guidance.
Hey - have you seen how many views you get? That's folks keeping up w your sitch.
I understand tho - I felt the same too - but that's your EGO needing a stroke.
People drop onto a thread if - you ask for something direct, - you look like you are about to do a major DB no-no - you are really struggling to get your head round something - you have helped them on their journey
I check on you now and again and you seem to have you Self under control and are walking the DB way.
Now - what are you frustrated about? - what guidance are you looking for?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Thank you and you are right. I guess I kind of feel like a child sometimes. Why is it so hard to make personal decisions. I make some pretty hard and important decisions everyday that effect the lives and safety of some pretty important people. When it comes to making decisions about me, it is hard. Makes no sense!
I am frustrated with this whole situation that I am in. The W just doing as she pleases without any care it seems. We are living as roommates and it drives me absolutely nuts. Like is said previously, I cook, clean, shop, etc. for the family, and she is able to reap the benefit. Who would want to work on something difficult when the "roomy" thing is so easy. She talks to me as we are friends most of the time and not the husband and father to her children. I KNOW, she has said that she doesnt want to be married. I get that. When I am detached doing my own thing, she can find me because I really dont feel that I can leave the house. She always seems to have something going on these days. Between school, volunteering and studying. She knows that she is just able to scoot out because the kids are taken care of. Its like she is perfectly fine with living as roommates and friends forever!
I have been doing a lot of 180s, but not really in line with the problems she had with out marriage. I am definately more upbeat when I get off work. Spend a lot more time with the kids, spend less time at work, etc. But in our marriage, she always fealt I wasnt affectionate enough, or complimenting enough, or perceptive enough (like new clothes and perfume). These are the things that I am NOT supposed to do according to DB and DR because its not something that she WANTS TO HEAR FROM ME NOW!!!
When I am detached (usually in my house) she is able to find me. Which she does. She talks about whatever she wants and I listen intently. We never discuss marriage, R, or anything but sometimes she says things relevant to the future but I am confused on what she really means, or shes just that intent on living as roommates forever. Like the other day, I was talking about home projects that need to be done. She mentioned finishing the garage project (storage) because "we will always be needing a place to store things" or something to that effect. She provides opinions for paint colors for the basement, etc!!! Its just really frustrating!
I refuse to live as roommates, and want to work on the marriage. She however seems to be fine in the current circumstance, but who wouldn't be! The only thing left for me to do is move back into the MBR. I live in the basement BR right now because I am trying to finish it. I mentioned about two weeks ago that I was going to move back into the MBR and she was PISSED! I explained (calmly) that it was "her that didnt want this marriage, or did not want to be with me, etc. Why should I have to suffer because of that".
Its almost to the point that i have one option. It is to file D paperwork. Either it will wake her up, or will end this for good. At this point, it seems like it is my only option and I think really, I am good with either outcome. I am almost at my After Last Resort Technique phase. Unless of course anyone is seeing things I dont.
I know it's frustrating. I feel like a fool sometimes my Self for putting up with my situation for so long (2 yrs on 16 Oct) but something makes me not give up. I too want to work on my M but H isn't ready yet...and I'm not ready to the paperwork.
Do you really think filing the paperwork is the ONE option? Do you really BELIEVE filing the paperwork is best for AML? OR is it that you are frustrated that you can't have your own way? Because that was me on a number of occasions...
You had a bunch of goals early on: Move back to MBR - I know she wasn't happy about that and you're doing up the basement - are you doing that for her still? GAL 180s etc Where are you with those?
I remember you going out and coming back late and your W being curious. What have you done for AML recently so you are not stuck in the house?
As for DB/DR rules - I said that you should follow W's lead if she is in a good state of mind and you think she will receive a compliment positively and not be sarcastic or droll about any comments you make then do the things that she was missing
Tumbling, Why is it so hard to make personal decisions. I make some pretty hard and important decisions everyday that effect the lives and safety of some pretty important people. When it comes to making decisions about me, it is hard. Makes no sense!
Because you are not emotionally connected in those decisions nor do they impact you directly...no vested interest. All objective.
It's like a surgeon operating on someone. They don't operate on family members because they would be too emotionally invested in the outcome.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
