You're very badly wanting to land some "truth darts," at a minimum, or go into even longer EXPLANATIONS to her as to why you did what you did (or didn't do). Perfectly understandable.
It's IMPERATIVE that you remain dark right now, and the GOOD news for you is that you will have many, many additional opportunities to respond to her foggy thoughts in the months ahead.
There's no need to pick up those little turds right now.
Starsky
YUP ^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey Alk, glad things went well for you and you're feeling strong and confident.
Again I'm going to add a woman's viewpoint and can say that I get CV's point. Especially if you look at it in terms of your whole marriage, not just since the affair. She probably has been looking for someone to be the knight on the white charger and didn't find it at home. There's a reason why ad campaigns for women have those shirtless men on horseback, it appeals to a part of the female brain in enough women that companies spend money on it. This is not a fantasy of being dragged to a castle and ravished it's about respect, someone who will stand up for you, someone who has your back, someone who does special things for you, someone who is completely focused an listening, at least some of the time, on you.
I'm not suggesting you spend the day obsessing about this because what's done is done and hopefully you've done your work to know where you went wrong and what you would do differently in your next R, no matter who it's with.
I'm also not condoning your W's choice to go outside the marriage, but all behavior has meaning and those who don't learn from the past are destined to repeat it. And sometimes a different viewpoint can be helpful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey Alk, glad things went well for you and you're feeling strong and confident.
Again I'm going to add a woman's viewpoint and can say that I get CV's point. Especially if you look at it in terms of your whole marriage, not just since the affair. She probably has been looking for someone to be the knight on the white charger and didn't find it at home. There's a reason why ad campaigns for women have those shirtless men on horseback, it appeals to a part of the female brain in enough women that companies spend money on it. This is not a fantasy of being dragged to a castle and ravished it's about respect, someone who will stand up for you, someone who has your back, someone who does special things for you, someone who is completely focused an listening, at least some of the time, on you.
I'm not suggesting you spend the day obsessing about this because what's done is done and hopefully you've done your work to know where you went wrong and what you would do differently in your next R, no matter who it's with.
I'm also not condoning your W's choice to go outside the marriage, but all behavior has meaning and those who don't learn from the past are destined to repeat it. And sometimes a different viewpoint can be helpful.
Oh I completely agree with CV and your point, and it's certainly something I will continue to work on.
W is right that I DIDN'T fight for her enough during the happy times of our M... I decided to let her fight her own fights, as she was a very strong and independent person. I'm learning to balance fighting for someone and letting them fight their own battles.
But I did, which she admits even by her now-warped logic, make her feel like the center of the universe. She knew that I'd do anything for her, I constantly told her I loved her, complimented her and tried to do little things to show her how much she meant to me... But in the end, I kept doing THOSE things to try to fix any issues that we had... I thought that by being sweeter, by complimenting her more, by doing more little things, that I could just make her unhappiness disappear.
Clearly I couldn't and that's not how these things work. In this and ANY R, two-way communication is essential to dealing with issues...
I wasn't very good at hearing things that upset me... I would get overly hurt by little things and truly conditioned my W to not bring them up as she didn't want to see me get all heartbroken over something... And these things piled up and up and up until they had nowhere to go...
I'm not making excuses for my W's behavior, I'm just taking responsibility for my part in it...
And I completely understand your perspective LA, and yours CV.
And my heart wants nothing more than to mount my steed and sweep W off her feet again... To slay the mighty OM dragon and ride off into the sunset with her...
But now is not the time for that. Yesterday, I showed her how shiny my armor has become. I showed her how well kept my horse is. I showed her that my sword is sharp and my nobility is in tact.
Now it's up to her to take the steps that would get me back on the horse and riding in her direction.
You're so right, having just enough communication is key. And independent women don't want someone to fix things just to listen and respect the difficulty, maybe toss around ideas.
Did you know her love languages then? I say this because my H and I were completely off in this respect. I did things I would want done for me, he did the same; we were at cross-purposes.
He would buy me earrings for Christmas, I have a million earrings so really didn't need more and those he chose were so NOT ME. I would scratch my head and think, "Huh, does this guy not even know what I like?"
I would handle that differently now.
This was a similar dynamic in my M: But I did, which she admits even by her now-warped logic, make her feel like the center of the universe. She knew that I'd do anything for her, I constantly told her I loved her, complimented her and tried to do little things to show her how much she meant to me... But in the end, I kept doing THOSE things to try to fix any issues that we had... I thought that by being sweeter, by complimenting her more, by doing more little things, that I could just make her unhappiness disappear.
And she got surlier and surlier because you just weren't getting it?
Have a great day, Alk.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
La, I've learned her love languages are indeed much different than mine. If this M moves forward, I have my game plan for how to approach her LLs better and how to let her know how important MY LLs are to me.
But that's not something I can worry about just yet.
She didn't get surly that I wasn't getting it... She continued to withdraw from our R... to internalize more and more... and the vicious circle continued... the more she withdrew, the more of ME I gave her...
I wouldn't worry about any of it, worry changes nothing but does sap your energy.
Just keep being the best AT you can be and she may look for you. But by then, you may no longer be looking for her. That thought may give you a little pain in the gut right now but when you get to that place it all feels right.
Funny how these things sometimes work out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You see she got used to you failing her s*%t tests. So you dropped below in stature.
The last few she did on you. You just said. Screw this I am not playing this game any more.
And it baffled her.
No doubt she has never had someone ignore her or call her out on her s*%t test. This is a lesson you need to learn for the rest of your life for all women do them. It is just nature. Measuring you up to see if your still a man.
She lost a respect for you. Imagine what would have happened if you enabled her waywardness with rewards and gifts.
No doubt you would have moved her stuff to mouseland for her. And be damn happy you were given the opportunity.
So do not contact her. Go completely dark. Completely.
I always followed the concept of.
You may have stopped loving me but you will respect me.
And she is figuring out today that she no longer has control over you.
So she will either acknowledge it and hopefully grow from that.
Or she will do a few s*%t tests ( like that text ) to see if your still below her.
One thing you need to think about as well is if you do decide to get back together is if you can live with the disrespect of her family.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks Chatter... You're right about almost all of that... Just one minor caveat:
I asked her to text me when she got home so I knew she was safe, as it had been a long and exhausting day in which she drove upwards of 8 hours.
I may very well be getting more tests in the future, but that particular one doesn't ring as a test. More of a fulfillment of a request I made to her and a sincere "Thank You" for my help and my expressing clarity over my feelings.
I still feel it deserves a "Glad you're home safe... And you're welcome" response.
Hi AT, I've been following your thread and just wanted to join with the rest of the community in congratulating you with your composure and ability to state your boundaries etc when you saw you wife yesterday.
I know you feel like you should respond to that text, that's how conversations go but texts are "short message service" - a message not a conversation. She sent you a "message" as requested.
She knows you will be glad she got there safely.
As for the thank you - you expressed your self for you in the main - but it's good to see she appreciated it. No need to respond to that either in my opinion.
agreed. I'd go completely, completely, completely, dark now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
