Lifting my eyes to the hills...

[RoRoinMD]

hey ro, the story ain't over, yet...

the time and space my H got when he moved out seem to have been good for him. i know it's been good for me. i've been able to detach in a way i never thought would be possible. i'm living one day at a time and not afraid of the future anymore.

my H is actively staying in touch with me now. before, i would be the one to initiate or not, and if not, i'd have so much anxiety about what he was going to do...every day, every minute, even.

now he texts me and emails me regularly. his communications with me are always kind and complimentary. i accepted a call from him yesterday (charges on credit cards he wanted to explain) and he was thrilled that i decided to speak to him.

all i can say is, the moment i decided to detach and move on with my life was the moment he decided he didn't want to live without me.

we still have a long way to go, if we R, but at least, i'm not the bad guy anymore and he's appreciating me now.

give this space time and enjoy it. you will be able to see more clearly what you want and need in life to make you happy. your H will, too. that's a good thing.

((()))

Thanks SS. I'm trying to. There's so much I put on hold the past few years. I know this has been worth it...just to see the change in me. My sister even commented on it out of the blue yesterday. Made me smile.

[Brian in Hville]

Ro...Just know you are such a wonderful person. The changes you have made in your life are amazing. I can't tell you if things will change with you and your H. But you, and all of us here, know that you are going to be more then ok. You have the skills to be happy on your own. Your next relationship (with or without your H) is going to be amazing!

Brian

[RoRoinMD]

Hey Bug! I'm ok. That's about as far as I've gotten. I'm actually better than after BD. Not having to worry about someone else is one perk of this. I can focus on me, which you know I don't normally do and don't know how to do. So mostly I've just been sitting. LOL

I am working on a plan to stay busy for the next few weeks though.

[RoRoinMD]

Ro...Just know you are such a wonderful person. The changes you have made in your life are amazing. I can't tell you if things will change with you and your H. But you, and all of us here, know that you are going to be more then ok. You have the skills to be happy on your own. Your next relationship (with or without your H) is going to be amazing!

Brian

Thanks, Brian. That's the one thing that is keeping me going. Knowing this is not the end all, be all. Life can only get better from here!

[RoRoinMD]

So I've been letting people know as I talk to them that H and I are separated. It's surprisingly easy. I still haven't talked to my family yet (just via text) but plan on doing that today. I still haven't heard from anyone on H's side of the family. I texted him the other day to find out if he had talked to SS. He did. I told him that I was kind of hurt that I hadn't heard from MIL yet. He said she said she was going to call me, but wanted to give me time, as she figured I didn't want to talk about it. Well, he left on Tuesday and it's now Saturday. Still no phone call. Just makes me think sides are definitely drawn.

I think some of my friends and family are worried because I'm not falling apart or appearing depressed and miserable. They keep telling me to feel my emotions and deal with them. I feel like I am dealing with my emotions. Just because I'm not wailing and crying doesn't mean I'm not hurting. What it does mean is that I'm not letting my H's issues and craziness define who I am anymore.

People want me to mourn and be sad. Well, I've had well over a year to do that. Even before BD. I want to LIVE now. The past 9 months have felt like I was held captive, keeping my H's secret, and not living the life I deserve.

Now I know there will be days of sadness. There wil probably even be days when I won't want to get out of bed. But no more will I allow someone else's problems define what my life is about. NO MORE!

[BklynMom]

Great job Ro.

I guarantee if you stay put together and composed, a friend or family member will say to him, "Man, why are you leaving this great woman"

If you lose it, it will give him an excuse to say "Look how crazy she is, I had to leave"

[timbits]

i felt exactly the same way when i started to tell people about h and i. i had been dealing with it for a long time, so i was past the wailing and crying stage. i still had my moments of difficulty (still do), but i had already dealt with a lot of the mourning of the loss of the relationship long before we separated.

feel what you feel and do not feel guilty about your feelings, or lack thereof.

[labug]

Hey Ro, don't read too much into the MIL thing. You know I've faced similar stuff. I think they're uncomfortable with it and don't know what to say, so say nothing. Our conflict-avoidant Hs didn't spring fully formed from the womb, they learned this behavior.

If you love her, respect her, whatever, she gets a free pass on this one.

[scaredsilly]

bug, you are a wise woman. i wish i could give MIL and H's siblings a pass but i can't. for 16 years, i've been there for all of them. H and i are in much better financial shape then all of them and we've been very generous with them, not to mention a lot of physical labor and emotional support i've given to MIL over the years. she's had three incidents of cancer and i was with her for dr. appointments, surgeries, changed her bandages, etc.

it's so hard to reconcile that with the complete abandonment i've received from all of them since BD. a phone call from MIL telling me that she still cares about me would have been nice. she doesn't have to be on my "side" but a little human compassion would be appreciated.

if H and i do R, what they've done is to relieve me of any obligations to be a "family" member. it will be very liberating. i'll be able to concentrate on my real "family" more and my marriage. they're on their own, which is how they made me feel.

[labug]

ss, that's why I said "if you love her, respect her". Sounds like that was missing from your R with your H's family.

But I also hear a lot of resentment and I get that. I've been much the same and here's what I've learned, it's a bit like gambling, if you can't afford to lose the money, don't do it.

In future, if I can't give something without expecting something in return, I won't be giving it.