How do I deal with this text message

[25yearsmlc]

My answer is that for US the separation was mostly good for us as a couple or I'd have gone nuts with his wacky stuff,

and in truth, my anger would not have allowed me to heal

and then work on forgiveness.

The down side is that our d's learned to get along quite well without him after awhile and their r's are not as healed as ours is. He had a hard time "blending in" when he'd return home for visits, and instead was seen as an alien visitor and he was alienated for sure.

Which makes for awkwardness and tension and worse relationships between them.

(Retrovaille was very helpful with that, but I wish we'd gone earlier)

My terms "Goes Alaskan" was simply my h's form of MLC. OR maybe it was the culmination of growing selfishness I did not recognize but I don't believe it makes a difference b/c neither selfishness nor MLCing mandates divorce...

it can, but it's not a surefire end to m's. People can change.


But We lived in Alaska for 3 years for the Army and h "went native" on us. He really LOVED it there, and I mean, to an irrational point. Like he would never say it was cold even if it was literally -50'F, he'd say it was "brisk"...AND

He had some "hero" figures there who convinced him that THEY had the life he wanted...they hunted and fished and worked and they made a lot of money, or so they said.

Meanwhile I had given up my job for our move to Alaska, which H wanted, and our 3rd child was born a month after we moved there. So I went from being a corp L with 2 kids, to a SAHM with a newborn and no job or friends of my own, in a small town in the interior of Alaska...NOT easy to meet people there or GAL and believe me, I made valiant efforts.

Finally we left but he kept wanting to go back and his heroes pursued him for years to come work there (he's very qualified and since he was willing to live there, that made him a rare commodity)

He became convinced it was the only way he could achieve whatever he felt he needed to achieve (which shifted back and forth over the years)

and it became a true obsession. We went to several mc's who all said, (and I mean, all 4)

that he was "acting single" or "being selfish" but it never did much more than settle him down a bit before he'd bring it up again. He made secret trips there and would call me after arriving, and talk to me like it was a normal thing to do.

I finally stopped competing. There was no OW and believe me I wondered. But he constantly pressured me/the kids to join him so that would make nos sense.

Our kids resisted moving, again, while in high school and I agreed they should not. So I released him and stayed with our remaining girls.

I found myself thinking, "if h is paying the bills while d1 is in high school and I can swing this, then I can wait this out and if d1 graduates and h is still absent, then we're done."

So I had an internal timeline. For me, that was very helpful.

After a year there alone (with a year or preparation by going to get yet another medical credential, at great expense and cost to us personally & financially before going there)

he seemed to wake up and realize he was quite lonely there without us.

I really had a feeling he'd do that too, but I hate saying that b/c it may give false hope to others.

But truly, I believed if h finished his final credential upon arriving there, THEN he'd lift his head and look around and wonder where the heck everyone was...which I think is sort of what happened. TIl then, he always had an obstacle in his way to achieve or overcome and THEN he'd think about us, and that's what happened.

Our older d graduated from high school. Our younger d was willing to try Alaska for a year there "to see how it worked"

which it did not. Going there would not have crossed my mind except for what H said and how he pursued and said he wanted to make up to us how he'd treated us and wanted to "Once again be the h I deserved", etc.

So h, our youngest child and I, went up there...

The money was not what my h was told and the structure of the company was a pyramid, AND then h's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and so

we left Alaska without having to confront the heroes - but with some sense of him having "tried it".

He was sorely disappointed and embarrassed...and apologized to me,

but I STFU when he said that, b/c I was just glad that he found that his happiness was not in a place or job.

In short, I think the pluses of staying together are higher for the kids, (unless the fighting is out of control--which might well have happened in our sitch)

b/c I think it keeps the spouse feeling less alienated when the kids are still interacting with the MLCer.

HOWEVER that may Not apply if the couple cannot remain together b/c the pressure of having someone in your face, who does not seem to want to be there is damn hard.

For ME, the geographical distance gave me a chance to breathe, pray, heal and GAL and CHANGE who I had become. I had a great DB coach.

I had a lot of anger at the injustice of it all. And it wasn't helping me.

Hope this helps.