Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

I spent years trying to meet W’s “needs.” I was like a dog chasing his tail. Looking back on our marriage I rarely got many of MY “needs” met. I really need to question why I went so long without making my own needs a priority.

Really? Well what does this^^^ mean? What triggered this revelation?

All I'm asking is what these words mean. They're your words...


I truly feel I am starting to pull farther and farther away from W but that’ ok. In all actuality, I change my view on this quite regularly.

yes you do. That's normal and I'll place a post of yours from less than One month ago, to remind you...


I just pocket dialed W by accident and when I realized I called her I hung up the phone. Less than a minute later W called me and left me a voice mail saying “I noticed you called but didn't leave a message so I am just calling you back.” I just found that to be a bit interesting.


it's not bad, but it's just not a big thing. Hey, SHE could be wondering why you called her? Think that's something to spend time on? Can you tell me what it is, that YOU are working on in yourself and what "becoming more patient" means, to you?



Anyway, I am looking forward to living it up and going out with some friends tonight. As time goes by I am finding it harder and harder to refrain myself from the ladies.

Everytime I ask you about what this^^ type of comment means, you avoid it. Why?

Is it b/c you know you are so not ready for a r with OW?

I've asked you if that's fair to the women you meet. You did not answer.

Do you see any patterns in how you feel and interact with your w, or don't, and then how you start "needing" to be with the ladies even while claiming to be working on the m? ANY patterns?

When I asked you about dating so fast and not processing your role in this

you gave a non responsive answer with "so does ANY r after a divorce mean it's co-dependent?" I wasn't saying to never date again and or to never have another r again if you divorce...how YOU twisted that was very intriguing to me. Do you do that with your w?

IMO, you FEARED that I was implying something. So instead of responding to what I actually put in writing,

you reacted to what you feared I secretly meant, and avoided the real question.

That is a poor communication method and it's your problem, not mine. I'm a wordsmith and I chose my words with care.

Reply to what is specifically asked and if you wish, you can also add on-

but don't pretend I said something I didn't, and don't put words in my mouth and then ignore the real questions I asked.

I find that useful for you to realize and I hope you see this behavior of yours. It's valuable.


Of course you can have a r someday and Not have it mean you are needy and co-dependent. But to me you sound that way b/c of the timing...

You say you are fighting for your m, then you say you won't be a free agent for long, then you say you can't believe she's dating,

then you say you are tempted by the ladies...

sounds like You're very confused and lonely. Are you getting any counselling?

think about what you wrote, below...and figure out where you really are. OR where you want to be.



Less than one month ago, YOU WROTE:

"Since the separation the only thing that is discussed is the kids or finances. Part of me really feels I should be more proactive with the “conversation starters”. W’s definitely not very good at them, even though I know she’s open to talking. "....I want to improve, I want my W back. I should probably ask W more questions.

so are you doing anything about this??^^^


"My heart is too heavy, it hasn’t let go of this women. To see the pain in son 8 is just heartbreaking. The pain is so deep, almost unbearable; I feel sooooo bad for him. A child shouldn’t have to go through this but its reality right now.
I pray daily, I pray for myself, others, my W and my kids. I was talking to a pastor at the party last night and he told me what a good heart I have. That’s the truth; I know I have a very good heart. I am closer to the Lord then I’ve ever been. I know He wants W and I to be together but I also know He gives her free will."


Yes she has free will. So do you.

I'm sorry you are in pain.

Can you tell us what you want to change in you?

And how is that personal work going? And the GAL?

To me, going to bars is not GAL. It's not meaningfully connecting with people or learning a new topic or mastering something. ALSO, It's partying...it's numbing you. Not always a bad idea to take a break, but it's no solution.

GAL means making an effort in your life to "finally" doing things you always wanted to do or learning a NEW topic or pushing your comfort zone OR doing something good for yourself, something new and different, e.g.,

taking a class, going to a seminar, joining a group or club, volunteering, meeting new people (who are not drunk) and connecting with them...

ANY of that^^ going on? You admit you don't know this "[censored]" and were not born with the tools for it.

I KNOW, as I was not born with those tools either. And I never saw forgiveness growing up. It's a learned skill...

there are tools though.

So how are YOU going to get those tools? You need them, regardless of your w's choices...