Hey mate, I just know you'll Be fine. My thoughts are with you.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I'm not trying to get sympathy here, and I realize this post flies in The face of so many of my previous posts... But I just need to vent or something.
Nah it was obvious. Been there. Done the months with no contact.
She will drop a crumb some time on the weekend. You will see. The secret here is to not pick it up. But reflect the crumb.
You will also see her act like she is in control. The first second she does. You put her in her place. She is a roommate who skipped on rent and used you as a storage facility.
Get past those two parts of the conversation and your self confidence towards her will grow.
See this is not test of her with you and facts and all that.
This is a test for yourself to see how far you have grown in self confidence in yourself.
And yea when she leaves you will be Whisky Tango Foxtrot.
That is natural. So have a few beers afterwards and unwind. Do some P.U.I. Posting under the Influence.
Good for the soul and next morning you can reread what you wrote. Feel shame. Then laugh it off and carry on.
Alk, you can add my prayers as well, along with an apology for being so out-of-pocket during this, an important week to you. It wasn't my intention to abandon you, but you're getting exceptional advice anyway, so it hardly matters.
I had to take the fetching Mrs. Starskypuppy to the ER Tuesday morning with what turned out to be a pretty big kidney stone -- 6mm x 4mm x 6mm . . . ouch!!! She's had one about 10 years ago, but that was only 3mm and she said it was MORE PAINFUL THAN ANY OF HER FOUR CHILDBIRTHS. This one is STILL in her, as it was too big for her to pass, and so they put a stent in her and sent her home while we await the lithotripsy (shock-wave thingy where they crush the stone externally), next Thursday. Then yesterday morning we had to rush my father-in-law to the same ER, with stroke symptoms. Suddenly couldn't walk . . .at all.
They are both decently okay, but it's just been a helluva week and I didn't want you to think I'd left you hanging or anything.
Peace and godspeed . . . and remember my motto in these situations: "Give nothing . . . EXPECT nothing." And when all else fails, "Hmmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'll have to think about that."
STRENGTH and HONOR, buddy . . . you're going to be JUST FINE.
Alk, you can add my prayers as well, along with an apology for being so out-of-pocket during this, an important week to you. It wasn't my intention to abandon you, but you're getting exceptional advice anyway, so it hardly matters.
STRENGTH and HONOR, buddy . . . you're going to be JUST FINE.
DITTO ALL OF THAT ^^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well it's done.... Mark it... 10:00 pm on October 5 2012. This was the day that Alkaline Thoughts was truly born.
In the last 6 hours, I've learned a whole lot. But I'm happy to report that when I wake up in the morning (with what will most likely be a WICKED hangover) I'll still be proud of me.
No, it didn't all go according to script... Yes, I "Backslid" a little bit... but I'm proud of where I am now, and I'm proud of how I handled a situation I didn't think was possible for me to handle.
I'll try to recap in the shortest way I can.
Got home from work and she was packing her stuff. Almost as soon as I walked in, she dropped what she was doing and came in for a hug. I obliged... noticing that while she is still absolutely beautiful... I hardly recognized the girl that was in front of me... She was a skinny girl when she left me, and now she's almost gaunt looking...
Either way, she is still gorgeous.
So we had plenty of small talk after I got home... Talk about work, football, silly stuff... I didn't mention that I'd noticed that she'd driven OM's SUV to my house to pack up her stuff...
Because As soon as I saw OM's car parked outside my house, I called my brother and told him that I might need him to bail me out of jail.
But not really. I would have handled it with grace and dignity. I think.
Either way, he was not there, but she was.
So after about 30 minutes of small talk, I finally just asked "So what the FU&K is going on here W... I have this crazy thing about us being married and here you are moving out for the second time... and you're moving OUR stuff into OM's car!!!?!?!"
She then started talking... She said "I KNOW you're going to agree with this, I KNOW you feel this way too... So I think we should go ahead and get a D"
A HA! I thought.
Upper hand... AT...
I launched RIGHT into the script I'd been practicing for weeks now. You know, the one where I say that I don't want a D, that I've been working HARD on ME, and while I want US to work, I WON'T be a part of her life while ANY OM is in the picture.
She was positively floored by this. She tried in vein to accuse me of "hooking up" with another girl (our mutual friend J for the long time readers) and I merely held up my hand and said "Please W. You and I both know that's BS. I took my vows seriously, and will continue to do so for now. But I need to make this crystal clear: While I want to be in this R... While I want our M to work out, I will NEVER be a part of your life while ANY OM is in the picture.
She spent the next few minutes telling me how she was SO upset that I didn't fight for her... That she was SO UPSET that I never emailed her back after she poured her heart out to me... She said that after ONE particular email, which I didn't respond to (as it was her telling me ONCE AGAIN that a song reminded her of US) that she'd decided that we were done.
I launched into a "In all honesty W, I thought we were done the day that you packed your stuff and left me. I listened to the words that were coming out of your mouth... When you said that you needed to be "alone and independent... to find yourself" so that's what I did... I left you the F alone. And now, you're telling me that you're upset I didn't FIGHT for you... When you're off with OM? I respect myself too much to fight for second place."
After a few more exchanges, I told her that I'd said my peace and I was done. I said "Now you know where I stand. Despite the fact that you haven't seen it, I've been fighting for you... HARD... W... and again, I'm sorry you couldn't see that. But as long as OM or ANY OM is in the picture... I WON'T be a part of your life. If and when you decide that you want to work on our M, you know where to find me. I MIGHT be here, or I might not. But I ask you honestly that you don't contact me for any reason as long as there's an OM in the picture. Now, let's just drop the subject, as you know how I feel and you're still moving out of my house."
We spent the next few hours having small talk again... And I must admit that I snuck in a "I care about you" here and there... But it simply felt right...
She spent a huge amount of time telling me how hurt she was that I didn't reach out to her... That I didn't call her or text her or email her... that I ignored emails from her... She said that one email in particular that I ignored "Let Me Know that You Were Done"... And I simply told her that was silly... That she knew me better than that, and if she could give up on us for one lack of response... then what was I supposed to do...
The rest of the night was filled with small talk... but I don't want to sound like I was perfect here... Whenever I saw an opportunity, I threw in a jab about how hard I'd been fighting, how I wasn't DONE with our R, and how if there was some magical words I could say to get her to stay... I'd utter them.
She told me that she'd told a bunch of her friends about this weekend, and she'd told each of them that she was POSITIVE that i was DONE with our R... She said that her friends told her "You need to be prepared with what you'll say if he's not done" and she told me she told them "that's Impossible. He hasn't reached out to me in months.... He's done".
Once she realized that she was wrong about that.... She told me this... That she'd been thinking about US for a long time... that she has good days and bad... bur for the most part... She's NUMB... She doesn't see us together ever again... She doesn't see how we could work through this...
I pushed this aside... Believe none of what she says...
Later in the evening, she thanked me for my honesty. She thanked me for telling her how hard I'd been fighting.
She spent some time talking about how she thought I'd fight so much harder... that I'd do the "Romeo and Juliette" thing or something similar... That I'd make it obvious that she was the only one for me and I'd do anything to get her back.
I told her "That might have been the case W, had I not known that you were with OM. But what kind of person would I be to fight to be an OPTION? I'll answer that for you: The kind of person who couldn't look himself in the mirror. The kind of person who you left."
She spent a little while after that telling me that she was shocked... That she wasn't expecting me to respond in the way that I did. That she was expecting me to simply let her go and be glad to have her out of my life.
She said she needed some time to digest this.
And all in between these conversations... She kept asking if I'd take a shot of Jameson with her (an old tradition of ours). So I obliged...
And I kept obliging for a while after she left... and then decided to post here. Thanks Chatter
So once she was all packed up... I moved all the boxes to her OMs car and her roommates car. She asked her roommate to leave us alone so we could talk.
During this time, I delivered my speech again, but in a more direct way. I told her that I wanted to make sure she was crystal clear on where I stood... Want this R, Working Hard, Fighting, But don't EVER want to hear from her again while there's an OM in the picture. When she decides to come back, so long as OMs are out of the picture, I'll be willing to listen... But I don't know where I'll be.
So, she's gone now. I cried for about 20 minutes after she left. And It [censored] that she's gone again. But HOLY FU&K i'm proud of me. I'm proud I stood up for what I believe in.
And you know what... I think she's got an awful lot to think about now.
I can't pretend that I don't want her back... That I didn't want her to stay and try to work things out... But now, after tonight, I'm SURE she knows where I stand. That I want US to work, that I believe in ME, in HER, and in US, but I WON'T STAND for her being with OM.
And despite the backslides now and again of me telling her that I want her to stay, that I love her, and that I'd do anything for US... I KNOW my message was received loud and clear.
I love my W. But now... I can honestly say... I love ME too!
THAT is how you do this everyone!! Nicely done. Be very, very, very proud of yourself AT!!!!
This line about not fighting for her, don't give it a second thought. I got it too... and it is B.S. ... Complete and utter B.S. Another way that they make sh!t up to validate their choices. That's ALL that it is.
Now AT...
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do NOT do anything for at least 3 days. Do NOT contact her in any way. PLEASE LISTEN TO ME ON THIS. You have put her no her heals, confused her a bit, and given her something to think about...
Let it happen...
PLEASE
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
But I disagree that the not fighting for her is B.S. Four months with no contact? I'd figure my STB-ex was done too. I believe she was being honest with you on how she felt. There's nothing wrong with someone having a different perspective than you. In fact, that's the definition of perspective. I'm sure you didn't go no contact for no reason. It's just one of the risks of DB'g and going dark.
Now she knows. Now she can make her decision. And you can go forward guilt-free.
