really rough patch here and my emotions ruling my head. Still down to the guarantor issues. Long story but I said no.
Not sure if it was the right decision and still questioning it. Emotionally I wanted to say yes, with my head I wanted to say no.
I went with my head.
She accused me of all sorts. Said this was my 1 chance to support her in our marriage and that I could not do that. That out kids deserved it that I should be supporting them, that she does not understand why not (I told her why not when I said no). She accuses me of not trusting her in which case she is insulted. She also said she hates it that she needs to ask me, that she cant be independent without have to ask of others and hates that (which I understand). There was a lot more....She then finished by dont worry, I wont be asking anything of you again.
I have said I will support her in all other ways i.e. my responsibility with S with special needs (obviously), she can take whatever furniture she needs from the house, I will help her move etc and pay maintenance.
My reason was that I have been left with £40k of debt to pay, that we have negative equity in the house and that I could not afford to cover the rent if for whatever reason she could not pay. Basically she would get £540pcm housing benefits and the money paid to her to pay the landlord. The rent is £750pcm so she would have to top £210 from her other benefits. Truth is given her track record, the debt we have and the fact I think this maybe MKC - I dont exactly trust her with finances. I would never tell her this though.
I am also worried that once the lease expires there is the a big chance I would need to be guarantor again). If there is OM involved I do not want to be guarantor on a property for OM as well. Also because S has special needs I would not like him to have to face 2 moves in a relatively short period if i did not stand as guarantor again. He hates change and is very routine focussed - change can be extermely distressing and cause behaviours from him. He also never settles well at others houses at the moment.
But my emotions are taking over and I now feel incredibly guilty I have made the wrong decision. Truth is my had is clouded anyway at the moment and I don't trust my own judgement with this. I feel like she wants to be set free and I am the barrier. But there are alternatives (social housing, cheaper rents, different areas etc although she wants to be closer to S school that we are now and move local authorities so he could get transport).
That's a tough spot you're in. If you are sure you can't afford to take on the risk, stay firm but be flexible on other options.
Explain to her that you are looking at what is best for your family, and just don't feel the extra debt is a good thing right now. Tell her you're willing to work out some other way acceptable to both of you to get her what she wants. Make her come up with another plan and then support her with it. Better if she chooses it than you, since she wants to be independent. Best wishes.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Good advice. But she is convinced the house is affordable and will not default on paying rent and she can see no other plan. She is adamant that cheaper houses are not suitable for S.
It is an expensive house and a lot better than our current one. A friend of mine has just told me that the reality is that I will be left with a £40k marital debt to pay off for the next xx years, have little spare cash myself whilst paying this off, a house with negative equity that I could not move on from if I wished, whilst she can make a new start, debt free, in a better house with more money. He asked why can't she find a cheaper place and pay the difference to you to help pay the marital debts off - then move to a bigger place later.
I know I should put her needs first but my friend has a point.
But my emotions are taking over and I now feel incredibly guilty I have made the wrong decision. Truth is my had is clouded anyway at the moment and I don't trust my own judgement with this. I feel like she wants to be set free and I am the barrier. But there are alternatives (social housing, cheaper rents, different areas etc although she wants to be closer to S school that we are now and move local authorities so he could get transport).
So have I done the right thing?
My opinion is that you did the right thing. It sounds to me like she threw a 4-year-old temper tantrum when you refused. If you're in the store and refuse to buy some random toy your kid plucks off the shelf and they have a meltdown, every parent knows the wrong reaction to the tantrum is to buy that toy! Same with your wife. It would be nuts to give in to her temper tantrum. And her logic is completely skewed, SHE wants to leave, SHE wants to trash the marriage, SHE wants to break up the family, yet YOU owe this to her? That's crazy.
AnotherStander thanks, I am feeling better about it. You are right, it was/still is a temper tantrum.
She feels I owe it to her because she has been though so much the last 13 years. That she has had a tough 13 years with special needs son and this is the least she deserves.
Basically I am in a no win. I am genuinely concerned that if this is MLC anything could happen once she moves. I agree that this is her choice and she wants to leave, how can this be my fault and that I owe her. But then again I may be halting her journey at the same time.
Every WAW feels like her H "owes" her b/c he caused her unhappiness. Of course she's going to go ballistic when you don't do what she wants. Have you forgotten that she is fogged out of her mind and she can't make financial decisions? You can expect her to try to control you to do whatever she wants you to do! All she has is her disabled son.....which she will totally use to guilt you to think it's what's best for "him". Hogwash!! The other thing she will use to control you is her behavior. Don't you see how she had you questioning what you knew was the only sensible answer?
Never allow her emotional outbreaks to override what you know is best. She lives in a fantasy world. She doesn't want to "settle" for cheaper housing b/c thatdoesn't fit into the fantasy.
Don't allow her to use your son as her ticket to get what she wants. You have done what's best for him, already! He has a good house with good benefits already! Why would you be obligated to finance a second, more expensive house?
The things she threw at you, in her attempt to emotionally bully you, you have already provided once and you don't "owe" her a carbon copy in order for her to live out her single life. She wants you to continue fulfilling your obligations, but she doesn't want to fulfill her role as your wife.
I do not believe a LBH should be there for her when she chooses to leave him and the home he gave her. And when he is her repairman, free plumber, electrician, babysitter, etc, how can he expect her to change her feelings about him? He provided them already and she walked out and left him for what she thought would be a better life. So let her be responsible for getting that life without your assistance. You will not cause her to want to go back to you by doing some of the things that's been discussed.
My H told me he would do nothing to help me to obtain what I was seeking. I told him I wanted us to remain friends. Then he said something that totally shocked me! He very calmly shook his head no, and said that if I left him we would not be "friends"! I just assumed he would want to be my friend! It's part of that I love you but speech. We think he will be so glad to just have that little crumb of friendship we offer.
She is leaving you and all you offered her as your wife, so why would you continue to try to give her those things after she dumps you. And I'm going to make an unpopular statement...........I believe a lot of men think they are being good fathers by "supporting" ........or "being there" for her, but in the cases I know about, the dad's are deceiving Qathemselves by calling it an opportunity to be as involved in the child's life when in reality they are trying to find ways to be around her.
Don't "support" her to dump you.
I feel sorry for her.......I really do. I recognize her desparate need to escape her reality. Things will get worse before getting better.
Take care of "you".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the advice - without you I would still be sat here with doubt!.
Sandi2 you always provide excellent advice and look from a different perspective. It really does help give me that insight into what she is thinking - I really am havin trouble understanding - i am a fairly logical person but everything here breaks logic!.
I am still having trouble detaching properly but this has brought me back into reality. If ever I had doubts about the fog then this issue is helping me understand about it and her fantasy. Standing my ground on this has given me my confidence back. Your comment re getting me doubting my decision is spot on.
I also love the comment re crumb of friendship. I had never looked at it like that.
I have felt it these last few days and looking after me has slipped. But this has helped me regain focus.
and its going to get worse........im gonna be a body builder by the end looking at how much time i spend in the gym!
