Every WAW feels like her H "owes" her b/c he caused her unhappiness. Of course she's going to go ballistic when you don't do what she wants. Have you forgotten that she is fogged out of her mind and she can't make financial decisions? You can expect her to try to control you to do whatever she wants you to do! All she has is her disabled son.....which she will totally use to guilt you to think it's what's best for "him". Hogwash!! The other thing she will use to control you is her behavior. Don't you see how she had you questioning what you knew was the only sensible answer?
Never allow her emotional outbreaks to override what you know is best. She lives in a fantasy world. She doesn't want to "settle" for cheaper housing b/c thatdoesn't fit into the fantasy.
Don't allow her to use your son as her ticket to get what she wants. You have done what's best for him, already! He has a good house with good benefits already! Why would you be obligated to finance a second, more expensive house?
The things she threw at you, in her attempt to emotionally bully you, you have already provided once and you don't "owe" her a carbon copy in order for her to live out her single life. She wants you to continue fulfilling your obligations, but she doesn't want to fulfill her role as your wife.
I do not believe a LBH should be there for her when she chooses to leave him and the home he gave her. And when he is her repairman, free plumber, electrician, babysitter, etc, how can he expect her to change her feelings about him? He provided them already and she walked out and left him for what she thought would be a better life. So let her be responsible for getting that life without your assistance. You will not cause her to want to go back to you by doing some of the things that's been discussed.
My H told me he would do nothing to help me to obtain what I was seeking. I told him I wanted us to remain friends. Then he said something that totally shocked me! He very calmly shook his head no, and said that if I left him we would not be "friends"! I just assumed he would want to be my friend! It's part of that I love you but speech. We think he will be so glad to just have that little crumb of friendship we offer.
She is leaving you and all you offered her as your wife, so why would you continue to try to give her those things after she dumps you. And I'm going to make an unpopular statement...........I believe a lot of men think they are being good fathers by "supporting" ........or "being there" for her, but in the cases I know about, the dad's are deceiving Qathemselves by calling it an opportunity to be as involved in the child's life when in reality they are trying to find ways to be around her.
Don't "support" her to dump you.
I feel sorry for her.......I really do. I recognize her desparate need to escape her reality. Things will get worse before getting better.
Take care of "you".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!