I'm six months into physical separation and H is ready to file for D. But looking back, I honestly think it didn't have to do with the separation at all. He just had in in his mind he wanted to be "out of it". I feel like you should treat someone the way you want to be treated. And if it was me, I would have wanted him to let me go, if I asked, pressured, pleaded, as he did.
I don't think there is any magic formula. People just change according to their circumstances and reactions to them.
I would say physical separation gave me some privacy to grieve. I know in other situations it has helped save the R.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Some have said the physical separation was key to reconciling...others the in-house worked.
Since I have been the recipient of an in-house mlc'er, my thoughts:
-The Bad Aspects --You get to watch the craziness, mood swings, OP play and be available for the abuse attempts. --You always have to be "on show" and in control of yourself, few breaks from the craziness and abuse attempts. --The temptation to snoop..."Oh look, the cell phone and computer are just right there".... --The kids get to watch. And they do. --Few times to be alone and mourn, rage, breakdown, throw things. --Tempting to get expectations up when there is a day (hour, minute) of clarity and niceness in the mlc'er. --You get to pick-up all the slack with the mlc'er abandonment.
-The Good Aspects --Assuming your changes are for YOU first and foremost, you get to demonstrate your changes and that you are the better choice. Daily. --The kids get to watch. And they do. --The family is still intact, somewhat. --Finances don't take as big of a hit. --You get to REALLY learn what you are made of. --You get to take the mlc'ers "temperature" (this can be bad as well). --You really get to learn what you can, and cannot, control. --If you have a great sense of humor, you are in a rich environment. --If you have any inclination towards anthropology...you get to wear your "double secret closet" Jane Goodall hat and safari outfit.
There are more plusses and minuses, that's all I could come up with off the top of my head right now from my sitch.
That said, W threatened moving out, a lot, until I called her on it and said, "Okay, then leave" (and meant it and was sure I could follow through). Haven't heard it since as a threat attempt (and it also started a change in her dynamics, they are such bullies). I also was at a point to kick her out about this same time period...so...your mileage may vary.
Taking increasing the chances of R out of the picture, what do YOU think is best for YOU and S?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Do you guys think that physical seperation increases tha chances of a marriage coming back together ???
Interesting question Sunny.
Sunny, rather than just answer the question, I wanted to provide you my thoughts your question…
My experience both personal and from what I have read has lead me to realize that asking this type of question implies that one is in a “reactive” mode as opposed to a “preemptive” mode. It’s like playing the odds so to speak. For example, if 46.8 % of the time separating leads to a reconciliation, well then maybe if my partner leaves, the odds are not in my favor and hence I should “react” and file for D or leave the house or whatever. When someone react a lot of times it is in response to something or someone and therefore to some extent they have lost control over what they WANT to do (“preemptive”).
IMHO, it is this type of “reactive” thinking is usually one of the biggest issues I see when one is looking to determine what to do in a specific sitch. I know that in my sitch and life I was VERY reactive for a long time. This lead me to blame my XW for actions that I took. Not good in the long run. I have found that taking preemptive measure for ME and MY life, allows me to 1) accept that the only person I can control is me 2) take responsibility for my own actions 3) allows me to shape my life the way I see fit.
So in closing, Sunny….IMHO, I would not focus on the stats, the different sitchs, the possibilities – instead I would focus really on YOU and YOUR life. What is it that you want and what are you willing to give….or WAIT to get it.
God Bless and have a great weekend.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sunny, that was a good question that I have thought about a lot too. What everyone above has said is very good info and advice.
I really liked T^2's list of good and bad aspects of living with the MLCer. Living with one myself, I completely understand!
I thought of 2 more things to add to the list, one good one bad.
The bad... I have felt during this time that my H has not had a chance to miss me or the kids, or to see what life would be like without us as a family. There may be a fine line between letting the MLCer work out their stuff while living at home and cake eating. Still not sure where that line is at...
The good... I feel like our boys and their unconditional love for H has helped him heal some and helped guide him to where he is today. Even though we as the S can love them unconditionally, the MLCer doesn't trust our love. For my H, it seemed he was able to accept love from our boys.
Hang in there! You will always find lots of support here.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Do you guys think that physical seperation increases tha chances of a marriage coming back together ???
I really love reading the replies to this question by the vets above. Plenty of experience with situations in their answers there!
My thoughts:
A physical separation is a step closer to D no matter how you slice it. Doesn't mean you can't still R though.
Will it make her miss you/decide she's better off staying with you? (This is what you're counting on if you go this route.)
Or will it make her realize she's fine or better off/happier on her own? (often happens as the pressure of living together has been drastically reduced)
You're in a better position to answer this question than anyone here is.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
