First Post

[Accuray]

DM,

Don't ask. "Act as If" it doesn't bother you at all, be happy in spite of whatever she throws at you.

I feel like a wimp for not standing up and by asking the questions.

Actually, asking these questions and/or provoking arguments is easy. NOT asking and keeping the peace is hard.

Therefore, it's wimpy to ask, and NOT wimpy to "act as if", because the latter is much more difficult. It takes discipline to train yourself to ignore it.

Play it out:

DM: "Why did you stop wearing your ring?"

W: "Oh, I'm very sorry, that was silly of me, and I realize it was disrespectful to our marriage, I'll put them back on right away and you have my sincere apology"

Do you think that will happen?

DM: "Why did you stop wearing your ring?"

W: "Because I don't feel like a married person and I'm not happy staying in this marriage"

Do you think that will happen?

What happens then? You feel worse, and she feels worse for the fact that you "forced her" to tell you that.

Also, it's unlikely that you'll let her answer end the conversation, so you'll probably escalate and eventually get to scolding her about her attitude. Now she'll feel really angry and even more justified for taking her rings off.

There's no possible outcome where she admits that you are right and puts her rings back on. That simply will not happen, so play it through in your head, see where it leads, and don't even take the first step down the path.

One of the things that's hard for the LBS is that we cling to our old expectations of our marriages -- that our spouse is obliged to treat us with respect, to reciprocate what we contribute, to respect our feelings, to not treat us poorly, etc.

Unfortunately, at the point that your W said she wants out, all those expectations have to go out the window. You need to change your frame of reference to accept that right now she does not owe you anything, she resents you, and she is looking for you to support her decision to leave by continuing to do the things she doesn't like, to continue to make her feel badly, and to provoke her. You cannot expect her to consider your feelings right now. If you want to save your marriage and she does not, then you are in a "one-down" position, and cannot expect the same rights that would be afforded to an equal.

This means it's ON YOU, and on you alone, to deal with your feelings and to expect nothing from her. If she wants to take her rings off, she can. If she wants to ride around town naked on her bicycle, she can do that to. You can't control what she does, and she's not interested in your opinions concerning her actions.

Your goal is to 180 her complaints about you, get a life of your own separate from the marriage, and "act as if" everything is okay. That is your path to saving your marriage. Pursuing her, shaming her, provoking her, or making demands make her resent you more and push her farther away.

Accuray