About to separate....

[MrBond]

First off, you need to understand something. YOU have nothing to feel guilty about. YOU are not the one disrupting your children's lives.

The WAS has the uncanny ability to make the LBS feel tons of guilt and feel like $h*t. They deflect all blame so that they don't need to feel responsible for anything. After all it's all their spouse's fault right? WRONG.

If your W insists on you leaving, tell her that she's the one that's unhappy so she needs to leave. Next when she threatens to take the children, tell her that if she does then you will be splitting households. Set the ground rules now and don't let her steam roll you.

Just so you understand, most of the WAS's tell the LBS to leave. My W told me to leave because she was "unhappy". Of course this was before I found out about her A. I looked at her like she was nuts and told her that if she was unhappy, then she could leave. So she did. And I'm glad I did that.

[mamabird]

One of the things I'm constantly being told on this board is "get a backbone." A nice way to say "grow a pair." Seriously though - it's good advice. I know you feel guilty and you just want her to take you back/love you and you think that standing up to her will disrupt that and that maybe if you do what she wants you'll soothe the savage beast.

Wrong. You'll just look weak.

She can move out, she can deal with the inconveniences, she can find her own place.

I moved out (against everyone's advice) and when I came back (against my H's wishes) he yelled and screamed and stamped his feet and called me names and said I wasn't taking his feelings into consideration. My moving out allowed us to cool off but it didn't change his feelings toward me AT ALL.

And yes, I agree with Bond, she will try to guilt trip you six ways to Sunday. It's incredibly hard but if you can steel yourself against that (at least in her presence) you'll be well ahead of the game.

[dorightman]

Thanks for the support Regretful and Bond, I hear you loud and clear. My other concern is that by not moving out, I'am not really giving her the space she might need to miss me. If we live in the same house and see each other everyday, even though we sleep in separate bedrooms, and only talk about the R for an hour a week in therapy, she still sees me everyday and we still act as if everything's cool in front of the kids. It also creates tension between us. I guess what I'm trying to say is I wonder if a TRUE SEPARATION , separate houses, would help more then what we are doing now?

[AnotherStander]

I'm not trying to justify moving out, I'm feeling guilt for disrupting my children's lives.

How are you disrupting their lives? (you are not) Isn't it your W doing that? (yes) Do you think by moving out you'll not be disrupting their lives? (you will) What do you think the kids will think about you when they see YOU moving out of the home? (they'll think you're abandoning them)

My other concern is that by not moving out, I'am not really giving her the space she might need to miss me.

You'll do far more damage by moving out yourself then any benefit you might get in helping her to miss you. The fact is if she stays in the home she'll probably never miss you. You also should consider this statistic:

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later

And what did these couple cite as the number one reason?

In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.

So basically, if you just stay together and don't even try to work on the problems the chances are very good that eventually you'll outlast the problems and be happily married again. My W moved out, but it is NOT what I wanted. I wanted her to stay. I felt strongly that we could outlast this setback. But I couldn't force her to stay and I didn't try to. If she's set on leaving then support her decision. But don't let her browbeat you into leaving.

Look, there's every reason in the world for you NOT to move out. You are stubbornly refusing to hear the reasoning. You have some delusion that you will help the kids by moving out, but in fact you will harm your R with them. Simply put, there's not a single good reason for you to move out, and there are many reasons for you not to.

[AnotherStander]

Forgot to post the link to the article from which the above quotes came from:

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

This is something Mr Bond posted a link to a while back, it's a great article.

[TD35]

Great feedback and link. Thank you for reposting.

[mamabird]

One other thing that I actually just realized today - my kids are both way less stressed now that I'm back in my house. It was very painful for them over the summer when I'd spend time with them and then leave (it was painful for me too obviously). I feel like now that they are calmer, we can be calmer. At least I can; I guess my H still has some anxiety/depression issues.

Also, my H and I talk about our R for at least an hour once a week just by virtue of being in the same house. You'll talk about it MORE if you have the opportunity. True that she won't miss you if YOU leave. It will feel like a relief to her. She has to leave to miss you.

[dorightman]

Thanks bond/regretful & stander, well I will do my best to detach from W and give her as much space as possible, whilst remaining in the house. This is gonna take a whole lotta patience. It really [censored] because my natural instinct is to want to love her and I can't! I hope we make it to the other side. That article was informative Bond, thx

[dorightman]

Had a conversation with w last night before bed. She told me she was not feeling anything for me love wise and that she still felt restricted by my presence in the house. She said she felt confused by me and why I was still sticking around with "someone who felt nothing for you". She rehashed the reasons why she fell out of love in the past and now the love is gone. I told her we are still married and that marriages go through ups and downs and that I was prepared to go through this tough time with her. She said she was sick of me telling her about the ups and downs of marriage. She asked me if I love her , why I don't let her go. I said, your free to go,but I don't want you to go. I asked her to give us more time and told her I would give her her space in the house. She feels nothing but negative feelings for me. This really hurts!

[mamabird]

This is your opportunity to "be the better option." She is going to feel this way for a while. Remember, she has the option to move out if she really wants to. She is trying to make it easier on herself by asking you to move out.

She's annoyed that you won't comply with her wishes right now. Let her spin and do her thing. You'll start to have small opportunities to show her your changes and to speak in her "love language". (Read The Five Love Languages if you haven't. It's short and will hopefully help you understand some of her unhappiness).

Having been in this situation myself, I tell you that things are better now than at the beginning of this mess 4 months ago. Things might even be better then they were BEFORE this mess. We're communicating now and there's less tension between us. Far from perfect - we're still doing a lot of things separately, but it's improved, even though we're still in the same house and he has wanted me out.

It takes a LOT of patience and restraint to DB. Keep coming to the board and reading so you can feel supported. Try to stay out of the R conversations unless you feel they can be productive. Mine never are, it's just rehashing the past for the millionth time. Focus on you, focus on your kids, focus on keeping things running smoothly at home. Smile and be supportive. It is hard but it gets easier as you practice. Good luck, keep us posted!