Denver: Thanks for the story. I appreciate your candor about your situation....some days are better than others that is for sure. I've got incredible friends, i've got a great family around me and people who are so encouraging and understand what im doing and why so that helps alot. What it does not do is help me to overcome the loneliness when it hits so I come here and write about it with those who can commiserate with me and understand what im talking about.
Im not even sure I can always understand what im trying to talk about when I talk about the loneliness, I think its physical touch, a knowing glance, a smile for no reason...those things that you simply can't get elsewhere. And obviously somewhere in the mix is sexual touch...but if I were honest I would say that as high as that used to rank with me right now its much lower on the scale of things I miss about marriage.
So lets talk about things learned and blessings on this Friday so its not a downer day because im smiling, the weather is gorgeous here and life is good.
I think the most important lessons i've learned or am learning is patience, selflessness and whats truly important. What was I before? I was selfish as a husband, with money, as a lover, as a friend. I worried about me first and if there was anything left then others, I had no patience for anyone not acting the way 'I' thought they should and used anger and general j@ckassery (my word LOL) To make sure that I got my way. I can tell you that as much as I pray my marriage works out, im at least glad that going through this has killed the old me and made me re-examine my life.
I measured worth by what you 'did' not what you were, the scorecard was net worth, influence and social standing, and I was much more worried about image than authenticity. It was a house of cards if there ever was one. Today I smile, im learning empathy, I put others first and now its genuine, not when it suits the image im trying to portray. My son and I are closer than ever, my God and I are closer than ever and I actually like me more than I have in a long time. Its amazing because before I was always considered confident bordering on cocky but that was the biggest shell game around because it was used as a mask so no one would see the insecurities below.
Its funny because even when this started and I came here, where theres more anonymity than anywhere I still wasn't completely honest. A little backstory....my wife is gorgeous...almost 6' tall, blonde, surgically enhanced (LOL)...in football parlance....I outkicked my coverage. And as much as I loved her one of my biggest fears early on is that if I lost her then i'll never get someone that beautiful again and have to settle for less. Yes there are a myriad of other reasons that were true, but this was a big concern of mine and shows how vain and selfish I was and also how low my inward esteem was while outwardly everyone thought differently.
Today I know that if we divorce its going to hurt, its going to suck, it will be a huge loss for me, but its going to be a huge loss for her as well because I bring alot to the table and the next relationship I have will be awesome because of what I have learned and am learning about me.
Wow, just wrote a rambling book....but it feels good to get thoughts out of my head. Hope everyone has a good Friday, its a great day to be alive.
