3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[albamarie]

alkalineThoughts - Thank you, your words are so helpful to all of us who read them because across the board we are all too familiar.

Ed, here's your feed back you asked for, read and reread all the wonderful input, because this is coming from very smart and unfortunately experienced people.

Your on the right track, wish you all the luck ahead.

[25yearsmlc]

Just for polite perspective, i was being facetious regarding the AA meetings being a way to GAL.

No problem though, regarding your interpretation.

I sincerely Thank You Very Much for your rigorous candor to hold me accountable. Please feel welcome to continue as time permits.

As far as me still pushing, there have only been isolated incidences since she moved out, but my opinion is very biased regarding my own behavior and the consequential results.

Yes, i did return her text on that morning in question. I have not initiated any more than 5% to 10% of the communications since she left. I have for sure gotten caught up in text conversations that she has initiated. I felt that she was reaching out.. Otherwise, i typically do wait to respond.

this^^ is confusing to me. So are you initiating only a little but "gotten caught up in text conversations"? And if she reaches out...so what?

Why react so fast? Can't help you....I repeat that for emphasis. IT cannot help you to react fast to her Supposed signals. Take a breath...take things in. Don't grasp.

You are stronger than you know.


During her prolonged periods of not visiting or calling our son, i pretty much went dark until she initiated contact. After she finally got back in touch, requesting to visit our boy, i did send her a batch of photos of him enjoying various activities over the previous two week period of time. I wanted her to see what she was missing out on by not being engaged on his weekly accomplishments and life experiences.

I get that^^. But instead, wait for her TO CALL and then be upbeat and positive about what a great time YOU and SON are having...Not a thing about missing her or what she is missing...just how you two are just fine.

No pictures. No calls without her calling and visiting first. I think that is what my DB coach would advise. She said to create a life I wanted with my kids AND to contrast our life here, with whatever crap life h was creating for himself...just by being here, in our HOME, together...versus his life alone or with whomever...

Just my .02

Maybe, in hindsight, i should have left her out of the loop of even informing her of his fun scholastic and extracurricular activities.

I honestly did not want to withhold those precious moments from her.

Should i?

you are not withholding them. She's missing them. You were pretending she was a part of it. She's not. She knows where you live and how to pick up a phone or see her only child.


Yes, i have been, both put in the position of, and eagerly accepting of, the 100% full time child care provider.

I would not feel comfortable with her having him at this time, for any extended, unsupervised visitations yet.


of course not. No question she's not fit at the moment. Period.

Upon her 1st getting back in touch to request upcoming visits, i stated that i felt that prior to her getting him alone, that we should attend some sort of parenting counseling. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea.

3 days later, she was verbally making comments about plans to pick him up and i reminded her what she had agreed to.

Why didn't you make the appointment then? Why wait for her? And why not get a urinalysis as part of the deal that you BOTH agree to, before taking son anywhere?

Til you allege and prove anything about her being unfit, she has the same legal rights you have

and she can pursue getting half custody anytime she wants.

What are you waiting for? I'd hate the knowledge that custody isn't settled in this situation.



Until that occurs, especially since there is no judicial custody agreement, i am sticking to that requirement and if/when she brings it up again, i will ask what counseling arrangements she has sought out. The onus of fulfilling that requirement is on her shoulders.

You are missing the point. You have no assurances she won't want custody AND child support...what if she chooses an OM and says "we are a couple now" and that's easier than you being single is...

Protect yourself and your son. Thats my point. Not about her. It's about you and your son.


That MAY get twisted into me denying her access to visitation, but her admitted excessive drinking and previous visitation or even phone call track record seems to warrant this measure.

I don't expect her to follow through.


I don't think so either, but is that guess sufficient for you? Keep records of phone calls and document her promises of coming over vis a vis the text records (not just verbally)

But see a lawyer asap. You are risking the most important r in your life by continuing this craziness and dysfunctionalism.

It's not working. So you have to change course. Make sense?
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Please, no holds barred.

I previously joined the Knights Of Columbus through my Catholic Church, but found it lacking the type of personal fulfillment i was seeking.

It was suggested to me to look for a, Parents Without Partners group. I font know if that would just wind up being a spousal beatch-a-thon gathering or a sublime lonely singles match game. I am not interested in either of those scenarios. I wont know until i try it out though. The closest meeting is about 30-45 minutes away.


I don't have direct experience with Parents w/o Partners so can't comment. I'm Catholic but not in K of C. What is it you ARE looking for? Do you live in the USA?

She has not shown up at either this past Saturday mornings or this Monday evenings karate class for our son. I have not contacted her since she visited last week Wednesday.

nothing new here^^...same old...

I honestly see a difficult path for me without my son along with. I seriously need more focus on trying to earn some cash and to try to sell my commercial property before i lose that and also my 2-Flat rental unit due to property tax delinquencies.

Spend LESS time on HER and what she is doing or not doing. Assume she is gone. Assume she is not returning. So, now what?
--

Thank You Very Much for investing your time and effort so far.

Gratefully,

Ed

Good luck Ed. Seriously. This is like a 12 step program in that if you work it, it can work for you.

Does not mean you get your w back BUT you will get YOU back.

We hammer the GAL so much b/c it helps so much. Don't skim it. Are there no hobbies or interests or classes that interest you?

Any group to join is helpful...again, good luck!

[Am I Too Late]

Just a quick update. She has not called or texted since her visit last week Wednesday evening.

Neither have I. I will not call her either.

I had a very sleepless night with lots of bad dreams waking me up all night long Tuesday night, all about her. This has not happened for 2 years now.

I saw my IC yesterday. I have an appointment with a different realtor this afternoon.

Small baby steps. One thing at a time.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Regarding custody, i have been advised to document what i do with and for my son and have done so since before she moved out.

Last Wednesday, i let her know about the scout trip to the pumpkin farm, but she declined because she felt the other moms have something against her and that she would feel uncomfortable.

Thats for her to deal with. Her own shame and guilt. She said 2 of them unfriended het on facebook after she moved out, but i think it was her who did that. She did not want friends of mine having access to her facebook page.

I dont have enough money for a retainer fee for a lawyer for court. Also, once i appear in court to get a custody order determined, i will also be appearing for the divorce. I want to delay that for the time being.

As it is now, i have had 100 % custody and the only thing i see a court order would do is to decrease that time i have with him. She is not current qualified, but without hard evidence i doubt i can prove that.

The county sheriff has come by and taped his business card to the door when i was not home from February through May, buy not through the summer months. I am still covered by her health insurance and have some herniated critical disc problems that need to be attended to.

Per legal advice, judges prefer to continue the best interests of the child by maintaining the status quo.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I did meet with another realtor regarding selling my unused commercial property and also with a friend who might be interested in it. I have to get something done, even if that means i do not get full value for it. I have 7 months before i lose it outright due to property tax delinquencies.

Other than that, i am not making contact with my wife so far. The longer the No Contact goes, the easier it becomes, emotional wise.

Ed

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[Am I Too Late]

While i was taking a short nap earlier this evening, my wife finally did text me.

5:39 p.m. Try this again, how's eddie?

5:43 p.m. I will keep trying till i get a hold of him

No more texts followed.....

I responded at 7:45 p.m. Eddie is doing fine.

No reply.

I woke up from my nap about 1/2 hour after she sent those texts. It seems from her 1st text as if she tried texting something previously, which i did not receive.

I did respond immediately, but did, without adding anything to the conversation except for directly answering her question about our son.

Was i too rude by waiting 1 1/2 hours after i woke up to reply?

Feedback please.....

I do not wish to become, or act like an ignorant azz.

Thanks.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I had a missed word in a sentence in the last post.

I did NOT reply immediately to her two texts. I waited about 1 1/2 hours to respond.

Also, in answer to another question 25YearMlc asked..... Yes, i live in the US. The suburbs of Chicago to be exact.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I met with a 2nd realtor this morning and need to follow up with him at 3:00 this afternoon to review options.

Dang, prior to me finding those letters 3 years ago, i always made plenty of income for all the bills and was pre-paying down the principal with extra payments on my mortgage and had a decent college fund established adding more each month for our son since he was born.

I find it so hard to believe how emotionally crippled and paralyzed i became due to my reactions yo my wife pulling away from the marriage.

At least i am taking action steps now.

I still don't get her texts from last night. I guess i am not supposed to.


Ed
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[Am I Too Late]

My afternoon meeting with the realtor was straight to the point. I need to get my place sold, asap, for whatever price i get offered.

That would get me out of all my immediate debt.

I called up a former employee to see if his generous offer to help me out was still available. I need to empty 24 years worth of clutter and decide what i need to save. That will be tough on me. Real tough emotionally!!!!!

I took my son to visit an old friend earlier this evening. Sort of tough, because his wife likes to back stab people and she is still in regular contact with my wife on facebook. The husband is a good guy though. I bought my 1st Harley from him in barter for doing his roof and we spent many late evenings together working in his garage working on the engine.

I did not mention my wife or relationship one time.

Short grocery shopping trip with my son, then home to watch a movie.

Thats all for now.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Today, my son has his regular karate class at 10:00 am and then we have to go back at 2:00 pm for his next level belt test. He has attended twice per week since March 31st, which is just over 6 months now.

I am minorly wondering if his mother will show up for the class.

Prior to her own mom getting sick and dying she was such a good mother and wife, but she also had not relapsed and started drinking at that time. Her sobriety used to be what she was most grateful for, because without that, none of the rest of her wonderful life would have been possible.

In MC 2 1/2 years ago, she said that's how she thought then.

Oh well, i Pray for the strength to get busy doing whatever i need to do to get my property sold in time.

We will probably go to the movies on Sunday to see Hotel Transylvania or Frankenweinie.

I hope i get some feedback from some of these posts. I look forward to the contact.



Ed