it hurts it hurts it hurts and I miss him. I cant stop crying and I want to call him, I just want to hear his voice. Please tell me I can save my marriage. I know I cant call him, thats why I am writing in here, I don't know what else to do, I feel like I am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This just feels so strange, like the last 11 years of my life just didn't happen at all?? Not sure why I feel so disassociated from it all, it's like I am watching it from a great distance. I haven't heard from him now since Friday when he said - 'we can be friends in time, like a year maybe but for now no contact except for formalities' this is such a turn around from him wanting to be good friends and go and do stuff together still etc. How can I save our marriage if our contact is zero.....! I know it has only been a few days but it all just doesn't feel like it's happening. I am seeing someone else too right now, he is kind and sweet and loves me, it helps me get through the lonely times but not sure if this is the right thing to be doing? Is is ok to date whilst Db'ing? I want to call H just to say hi, check he is ok too, but I know I can't. I saw a quote today 'I am not going to chase you anymore, if you want to walk out of my life I will hold open the door' and I think it's right isn't it? We cant chase someone, they have to be with us because they want to be. It's just so hard as I feel I am doing nothing right now to save my marriage - I am GAL and not contacting etc but that feels like he will just move further away from me in this time?? Grrrrrrh, sooooooo hard! So, do I continue not to contact him? Do I continue dating? Hope you all having a good day,
Hi LittleWings- I am pretty much in the same situation. I am new here. My posts have not been approved by the moderator yet. But I am in your shoes. How do I save a marriage when I am trying to do the 180 and he's living with his mistress and takes all these great vacays togeher? Feeling hopeless right now and trying hard not to. The quote a dear friend of mine texted me this am was, "If you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours forever. If they don't they were never really ever supposed to be yours." While this is true, it hurts at the same time. My H is making horrible decisions and somewhow we are supposed to be cool,calm, and collected. I am trying, but it's really tough. My H acts as if though our 13 years never happened.Its so surreal and hurtful. My questions are the same as yours. Plus if I show my H that I am fine he uses it as the excuse that I am totally great and I have moved on when in fact he knows that I want him to come home. Very frustrating! Any help or advice is appreciated!
Littlewings..don't panic. Do something you enjoy if you can to take your mind off things for now. Will comment more later when on my computer. You are feeling everything we all feel in the early days. We all get better and stronger..so look forward to feeling a little more sure of yourself. It will get better. Speak soon.
I feel like i'm going crazy too. I wonder if your current date knows about you being married? And did you just start after he left? I'm just thinking these things might affect how he feels...
I'm back Littlewings. Sorry about before but I was on my phone. Hope you got through that and found something to keep you busy.
Your question about dating while DB'ing. I'm not an expert on that but I believe its generally not encouraged while trying to save your marriage. I know its tempting to get some much needed attention when your S rejects you and you are hurt, but you are here to save your marriage and it could complicate things more than you need to right now. A vet might chime in here.
Your H is asking for space..so give him space. Its important that you do that otherwise he will feel pursued and it could drive him further away. A lot of DB'ing feels counterintuitive (opposite to what you want to do) that is why it is so important to GAL. You need to find activities and platonic friends that will take your mind off wanting to text and make contact. The idea of DB'ing is to put the focus on yourself and become a person that your H will be crazy to leave. Act like the women he fell in love with. Be interesting, happy independent, not clingy and needy.
You may not have many opportunities to interact right now, but use the few you do to show him how you are changing. Actions speak louder than words. Re-read DR if you have to and read the threads on this board. It will reinforce the messages and give you strength to stick to your plan. Keep focussing on your 180's. Set some small goals, then monitor to see your progress. This is all explained in DR. It is an important part of the process.
Come here to post if you feel down or like making contact with your H. It will help. There are many wonderful people here who will offer advice and encouragement.
In answer to your question. My H is MLC. So it is treated somewhat differently. Even though we are together, he is still in the tunnel and I have to act cautiously in my expectations of the outcome. I discovered DB'ing 5 months ago. However the first BD was over 12 months ago. I wish I had known about DB sooner. It has really helped me understand my H's sitch and work on myself. I had a DB coach Jody and she was wonderful, do it if you can. Also read, read, read.
Take care Littlewings. Keep strong. Give your H space at this time and do things for yourself.
This just feels so strange, like the last 11 years of my life just didn't happen at all??
LBS can rewite history too. Be careful what is real and what is not.
Originally Posted By: LittleWings
How can I save our marriage if our contact is zero.....! ?
DB'ing is counterintuitive. Trust the process. It takes a long time to get to where your marriage failed and a long time to turn it around.
Originally Posted By: LittleWings
Is is ok to date whilst Db'ing?
Why are you dating if you want to save your marriage? Is it for revenge? Or CONTROL? Or is it some other reason? It sounds like another person is going to get hurt if things get serious. Will it be YOU or the person you are dating?
Originally Posted By: LittleWings
So, do I continue not to contact him? Do I continue dating?
Yes let him contact YOU. Dating - Examine your reasons and decide what you are really trying to accomplish. If you are done with your marriage then - Divorce and Date. If you are trying to save it, then why are you dating?
Hi AF30, I don't have any advice as I am so new to this too, but all I can say is use your friends for for support, they have been my saviour and keep telling yourself if this is meant to be it will be... I have had a crappy day today - a message from my H just reiterating that he wants only contact for formalities and and he needs to catch up with me this week to 'do the lawyers paperwork' it will only take 30 mins. It is financial paperwork not divorce papers ....yet. What amazes me is as you said, how the last years together suddenly seem like they never happened, all your hopes, dreams, future plans shattered just like that and all your memories tainted. My H, was all friendly friendly and kept elling me he wanted us to remain 'proper' friends as our friendship was always so incredibly string, even through all the stuff we have been through, and now, he has done 180 on me it seems and wants no friendship either, this is the hardest blow for me, as after all, I truly do want him to be happy, and if I can't save my marriage then I at least want to save our frienship which is so incredibly precious to me, and seemed to be to him just 2 weeks ago! When I said a couple of weeks ago that if he wanted a separation then fine he just kept asking me if we could still be friends, and now this, this is truly the hardest blow and I feel like I really have lost the last 11 years of my life, my dearest friend, it's like he is another person, I don't recognise him in the cold and cut off state, what to do now who knows. I am spending as much time with my friends as possible, doing lots of yoga and trying very hard to stay off the wine. I hope you have had a better day and are getting through, I understand and feel your hurt, take care of your self and stay strong,
oh my, the tears keep on coming, I think I might go poop soon, I am so tired, feel so ill with dizziness, sickness from lack of sleep. The feelings of lost and loneliness are overwhelming. I dont understand why he cant see that we could make this if he would only try, it all feels so hopeless now. He says he wants no contact till after the legal separation and financial split is done and then 'maybe' we can be friends. How on earth do I do the DB'ing if he just wont see me. I feel utterly broken, I love him so very much and his friendship means more to me than anything in this world. The loss of my own identity feels huge - who am I without him. What happens now to all the dreams and goals and passions we shared, now what. This hurt is driving me insane. I want to believe we can make it, but I cant see how we can if he wont have any contact with me.
I feel like I am broken into a million tiny pieces and I truly don't know how I will put myself back together again. I have not been able to break contact with him, now I know i HAVE to no matter how long it takes. PLease please tell me there is hope.
Hope you're feeling better, I know it feels like everything is going down the drain and there is no hope. It feels like that sometimes but stick to DB and get yourself a plan of action. Get some ideas for GAL (that don't include dating - if you're trying to save your marriage), figure out what you could "fix" about yourself. You said you had been clingy in the past, well work on that for a start. Do a bit of introspection and figure out who you were when you and H fell in love. What changed? Are you happy with who you are now? What has your H said to you (or did) that might point towards things about yourself you could improve.
Do all of this because you want to. Don't simply become who you think he wants you to be. Do it for yourself. I'm sure in Australia there are loads of clubs (not night clubs but social clubs), support groups, hobby groups that you could join to get your mind off things and meet new people (again, not for the purpose of dating).
It doesn't feel like it now but there will be ups at one point, believe me, however, these will probably be followed by downs as well. It's kind of why people around here talk a lot about the roller coaster ride.
One of the main things which can help you through all of this is also probably one of the toughest to do. Detaching. Read about it online and on this site. Basically, it's putting yourself in a place where you won't be affected by what he says or does. You can still love him from there but you don't get all worked up by his actions and you'll stop reacting to his words.
Not an easy thing to do. I'm still working on this myself after 5 months. Read others' sitches. You might find a few that have similarities to yours and you can get great advice from them. Even develop friendships. Also, you'll see others which looked much worse than yours yet have managed to R and are now working on their M.
It's not all rosy though. Many people didn't manage to save their M, but reading them, you'll see that they still have learned so much about themselves and they seem so at peace that no matter what happens to you, you know that doing this will put you in a better place.
Good luck LW.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
