This is my first post here, I have spent many hours reading all the stories here and feeling all your pain and strength and positivity too. It has helped me so much as I battle with the wrenching heartache of my husband leaving. My story is long and sad - like so many of yours. Here is it, as briefly as I can make it! I met my husband in 2001, married in 2006 and he left on Sunday 30th September 2012. We have always been very best friends and have so much shared interests, dreams goals, etc and lots of affection - but the sex and passion in our relationship faded a long time ago. I am by nature a clingy, needy, suffocating kind of girl (I am working on this and have come a long long way!) my husband however is someone who needs space, can be controlling and due to childhood stuff had issues with really connecting emotionally and over the years I think began to lose respect for me as I allowed him to speak to me in undermining ways and I was always the 'pleaser'. I began to feel non existent into him in a romantic way and try as I might, found it hard to get him to be sexually interested in me, now i can see that my inability to show that I have self respect and stand up to him when he spoke to me inappropriately turned him off (understandably!). We had been trying for a baby for about 2 years too and not having any luck and were beginning to look into fertility treatment. I had a bit of a connection with a friend of his and one day in March, I snapped. I needed to be noticed and I had an affair. I couldn't believe what I was doing but I couldn't stop either. My H found out and then told me that 2 years ago he too had had an affair that lasted about 4 weeks and then he stopped and went to counseling. Much crying and sadness ensued on both our parts, but it was then that my H wanted to save us, saying he knew now that he really was in love with me we went to therapy but I was not able to disconnect from my OM - crazy I know but I was angry and sad and in the strangest place in my head. We didn't fight too much, in lts of ways we tried to support each other. Bombshell number 3 - I found out I was pregnant (i was told I could not get pregnant by doctors just three weeks before) the baby was not my H. The fear, confusion, sadness and hurt was indescribable. I wanted so much for it to be my H, then in another turn of events, I lost the baby at 18 weeks. My H and I continued to go out, have fun and support each other. He had stopped being controlling and snapping at things - the therapy as really helping his personal development. However, a few weeks ago I got the I love you so much, but am not in love, I want to separate' I know you guys all know how that feels - I had not read the DB then, I cried, I pleaded, I wrote, etc etc, it pushed him away and he became withdrawn and sad. Then I got braver and stronger and said Ok, this made him be warmer again. We went out to a couple if music gigs, dinner, breakfast, played games in the evening and cooked dinner together as normal - all the while he was still saying he was leaving. He was sending me cute text messages etc and there was some affection though limited. He has rented a flat not far from here and moved out on Sunday. On the day he moved out he arranged for us to go out for lunch with friends??! Strange! As he arrived at lunch he came over and squeezed my shoulders and smiled, then we had a lovely, normal lunch with our friends. As we departed though, he was strange and cold and just said - you know this is over don't you? (my heart sank even further and the pain and fear filled me) but I was strong and said yes, I know and then gave him a letter that said essentially I love you very much but know I can't force you to stay so I am letting you go' Then I went on my way. He sent me a text the following day just saying I understand your letter and thank you - I simply replied - good, have a nice day. That was yesterday. Today I am being strong and not texting emailing etc. I believe he is checking my phone, tracking my where I am and my calls. We are the best of friends and I love him so very deeply and can't believe this is all happening, it feels like a crazy nightmare. I have a great therapist - who we are both still seeing though separately now who believes in our marriage but like the DB says I have to now focus on me close that chapter and think of the next step as recreating a new chapter - not trying to get the old one back. It is so very very very hard. Do you think I can save my marriage alone? I hope so, so very very much. I know this was super long but had to get it all out. Thank you for reading it and if you have any thoughts or advice at all I would be happy to hear it! Hope that all of you are having a good and strong day!
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
He's changed his facebook status I know that doesn't seem major but it makes me sad. I am afterall still his wife. Want to phone him so badly but know I shouldn't. I did send a jokey text earlier but as yet no reply. Probably shouldn't have sent one at all I guess....!
feeling sad, sad, sad. I feel like my husband is going cold and shutting down - he dies that so well, he can cut off his feelings like the flick of a switch. I worry for him, he is on his own in a rented flat and his support network not as strong as mine. I know it was his decision to leave but I can't help but worry how he is. I want to call him, text him etc just to check he is ok. I won't of course, I know I have to leave contact upto him and begin to 'detach'. He has only been gone 3 days and already I feel lost and scared and miss him so very much.
Do you think I can save my marriage alone? I hope so, so very very much.
Absolutely, that's the lynchpin of DB'ing- "it takes one to tango". Sure there are no guarantees, but there are plenty of success stories around here that started out with posts much like yours. Most of those threads went through some incredibly dark times before finally ending in reconciliations. But don't expect this to happen quickly, it's a slow process taking many months. Read the book, develop a gameplan of doing 180's on your faults, write down the baby steps so you can recognize progress and most of all, GAL and work on yourself. Journal here to clear your mind and to get suggestions and support. Good luck!
Hey LittleWings...welcome i'm an Aussie too. Sorry you find yourself here but you have done the right thing coming here. You will get lots of help and support, but you must stick to the plan. You sound as though you are doing well so far. Get a DB coach if you can. They are wonderful, even though I was phoning at anywhere between 12 midnight and 4 am in the morning, it was worth it. Didn't sleep much at that time anyway so may as well do something positive. Things turned around for me and I am working on R with my H. Early days and taking things cautiously.
Make sure you read the DR book. It will explain many things, particularly about working on yourself and by yourself.
Thanks for the words of support, it really helps. Having a rough day today. Too much wine last night and I foolishly called him, just to say hi....! I asked him if he is seeing someone else, he says not, I can't remember much else of the conversation. I need to stay away from the drink, just hard cause it numbs the pain. Sent a text to apologise this morn but heard nothing back, do I just stop all contact till he contacts me? I have got the dr book and have tread it but need to reread to really sink it in. Hope you all Having a strong day!
Hi GALbaby - thanks for your words of support, it's good to hear about success stories too, how long did you stick at the DR before things started to turn around? I caved last night and called him after one to many wines, I know goes against the game plan - i need to stay away from the wine, it weakens my resolve! He sent a message this morning saying that we can be friends in time but just need to be in contact only for formalities for now as it is to hard to be friends at the moment...... - I thought my heart would break when I read this, it hurts so much and is so frustrating I know that we could have have something amazing if he would come back and try - but I guess 4 days in to the plan is just a tiny bit early!!! I know I have to GAL be strong and do my 180 which is to not contact him, I am always the one to call and appear needy - is it to late do you think if he is saying these things? Any thoughts on this??!! We have music tickets for a couple of weeks time - should I ask him if he still wants to go with me?
I know that doesn't seem major but it makes me sad. I am afterall still his wife. Want to phone him so badly but know I shouldn't. I did send a jokey text earlier but as yet no reply. Probably shouldn't have sent one at all I guess....! 