In summary in last month's sitch: I joined DB forum to help cope from another EA contact with W and OM. I told W to get out of the house and I exposed W to my SIL. SIL then have asked me to be patient with W.
Out of Anger, I ask for trial separation but couldn't pull it through because of the kids. We put it off for now, until we get more info from counseling.
W expressed that what really pushed her the second time to OM is my constant pressure to ML. I don't know, this is I think how I wanted to cope of the sitch, I just wanted to be close to her because she was so distant. But that was really bad and I'm not sure how bad a damage I've done. SIL suggested we have a physical separation for now and we are now sleeping in separate rooms. It helped, I haven't touched my W since and not initiated ML. I did hug her a couple of days ago due to stress on D17s college stuff, she looked stress so I gave her a hug. The hug wasn't welcome, now I know. Next time I'm not really going to initiate physical contact.
The communication with W is mainly light conversation nowadays. Mostly how her day goes and kids. Treating her like a co-worker. I also had one of my meltdown and grilled her one day on R talks, it was a major backslide. During this talk I express her my boundaries that although I cannot control her actions regarding the contact with OM, but I have a choice to remove myself from the sitch. I just don't think our M will progress with an influence of a 3rd party.
There are no signs of contact with OM to date since 9/5. I do noticed that W is very lethargic, not very upbeat. Perhaps the withdrawals of OM is getting to her. Is there anything I can do to help with this?
Improvements: 1) Better communication with W 2) I'm more involved with the kids 3) I have a better control of my anger 4) I feel better and confident 5) Boundaries have been established
More work/goal: 1) continue with the improvements last month 2) Focus on me and not the EA 3) GAL 4) see a lawyer
My fears in GALing: W express I was in my own world and did a lot GALing. So she felt lonely and resented me for being selfish. SO if I GAL it would validate her feelings and worst, she will think I'm back to my old self!
I found GALs that involved the kids. The first time I GAL'd W didn't go. But the last few weekends, everytime I ask W, she would say yes.
I'm trying to find strength and good ideas to GAL. Also if I GAL w/o the kids and create that mystery, wouldn't this push her to OM because she would think I might be cheating too?
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
