Journalling, So nothing has really changed at all with W. Has not left, still wearing wedding ring, sleeping in the same bed.
Sounds so similar to my sitch. At that point I had tons of hope that things would turn around. Then she quit wearing the rings, that was a big blow. She continues sleeping in the same bed and even ML up until she moved out.
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W left a journal book out on the bed which I opened and read. Wish I did not but it was to late by then.
Sounds like she wanted you to. She may have used that to tell you what she doesn't want to or can't tell you.
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He wants me to be his wife. I want to be one of my dearest friends?? What does that mean??
My W said the same thing. "I think we could be really good friends." Now she barely talks to me. So it doesn't mean a thing. Like the DB tip says:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
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These comments are a complete 180 from what she has said for our 17 years of marriage. Does this sound like a MLC?
MLC or WAS. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Usually there's a lot of anger attached to MLC though, not so much with WAS.
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All this effort and Love that I have poured out and now it is all falling apart!! Hopeless in reading this that she has already made the decesion to leave, I think. How can the switch be turned off which seems like overnight? But turning the switch back on may never happen or take who knows how long.
What you're going through and feeling is normal for this situation. I know it may not help much, but we do all have those thoughts early on. It'll get better when you learn to detach and accept what's going on. You can't control it, you can't switch it on or off, all you can do is give her time and space to sort through it.
How can the switch be turned off which seems like overnight? But turning the switch back on may never happen or take who knows how long.
That journal could have been much worse in many directions. She could have written that she never wants to see you again, be glad it's not worse than it is!
She actually sounds very confused and like she's trying to convince herself, I wouldn't dwell on it too much, you already knew what state of mind she was in before you read it. You did learn about the terrible cost of snooping however!
The fact that she hasn't taken any action or made any further changes underscores that she's confused. While you feel like she made a decision like turning off a light switch, she has actually been dwelling on this and NOT telling you for a LONG time. The only quick part about it was the point that she told you. That's why it can't be quickly undone.
So she's on the fence, she's evaluating you and your actions and trying to make you fail to make her decision easier. It's much easier if you push her out the door than if she just decides to leave on her own. It's much more convenient when the other person is at fault or at least it's mutual.
So what do you do? Continue to DB. Continue to 180. Keep your cards close to the vest, don't discuss how you are feeling. Keep it business. Be friendly, be courteous, treat her as you would a friendly co-worker and expect no more than you would from a relationship like that. Get out and GAL. Make new friends. Be vague about what you're doing. There was a poster here with a WAH. At one point, he called her on her cell phone and she was out at a bar with music in the background, people laughing, and an obvious good time going on. That was like gold -- that started his wheels spinning and eventually they reconciled. I'm not suggesting you stage something like that, I'm saying "go out and live that life" and if you do, she will notice.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, Thanks for your input, every bit helps. I guess if this made since we all would not be here!! You are right about going out and GALing. I went out this past Saturday to visit an old friend. When I came downstairs I noticed the W took a quick look to see what I was wearing. I recently bought some new clothes to make myself look sharp. So I think she is noticing.
That is definitely MLC. Especially when she talks about wanting to be independent, etc.
It's actually goo that you read it because it gives you insight as to what you are fighting against. Now you know what her issues are, what can YOU do to counteract them? That's your challenge.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, I read through the 6 stages of a MLC and there are several areas that really jumped of the page. But really is there much diffence between WAW or MLC except the anger part. Are there differnt tactics that you use for either?? Also you mentioned that now I know what her issues are, What can YOU do. I do not know except 180's and GAL and DBing. Is there something else I should be doing??
Someone who is a straight WAS usually had a lousy M. So the LBS needs to correct what was wrong in the M to make things right.
When it's an MLC, there are a number of things that Trigger it. Could be age, a change in job, empty nest, etc. Some kind of life changing event that makes them question the choices they've made in life. In these cases, you need patience and ALOT of understanding.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So when I got home from work today I came in worked on one of my goals. Communication which has been working I think. Just small talk but better than nothing. But tonight I noticed my W was not wearing her ring! Which really makes me angry. I did not say anything about it. That was very hard. What should I do? Should I ask her why, what does this mean? For now I think I will wait and give her a couple of days before I ask. Is this wise? I am hoping that she just took it off for cleaning purposes.
So more thoughts to write down. Why would you remove the symbol of marriage without talking to me. What kind of signal is she sending. Last night she seemed pretty cheerful and attentive to my conversation. Is she testing me? Oh the wonderful emotion roller coaster. Good one day and crappy the next. Maybe we could sell tickets to people who enjoy inflicting pain on themselves. Not good DBing I know. Why am I allowing her actions to change mine. I guess the hardest thing right now is not saying or doing something. I feel like a wimp like I am not man enough to stand up and ask her. Where the Hell is your wedding ring. If you don't want give it back to me.
There I feel better already. Thanks for listening. DM
You are not alone. I swear your W and I think alike man. My W's ring has been off for two weeks now. It's probably best not to ask her. I asked my W and the answer was not good she said "I will wear it when I feel like it". So I let it go.
So for two weeks I wore mine thinking I could shift her mind. So that didn't work, so I took mine off and its been 3 days now. It does feel weird not wearing a ring.
Regarding the journal you read, I agree it could've been a lot worst.
Hang in There DM.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Thanks Newman you hang in there also. I have been following your post as well. I feel like a wimp for not standing up and by asking the questions. Or is it fear that we don't ask?
