You guys are wearing me out. I think you two work way too hard to worry about what the other one is saying or doing or not saying. A bad habit we all have. At least you are not pulling the triggers as quick, but I suspect like you, H feels ALL the tension in the situation.
Relax.
write
And try to stop worrying about how your behavior affects him; you do not have control over his actions.
You guys are wearing me out. I think you two work way too hard to worry about what the other one is saying or doing or not saying. A bad habit we all have. At least you are not pulling the triggers as quick, but I suspect like you, H feels ALL the tension in the situation.
Relax.
write
And try to stop worrying about how your behavior affects him; you do not have control over his actions.
HAHA B, I wear myself out too
I do realize that I have no control over H's actions...I do have control over mine though. I had gotten better about the control of myself but this time it got out of hand. So much for my many resolutions eh
After posting about my triggers I decided to approach H with the possibility of discussing them. I was very careful with this. I first ascertained that he was in a good mood I then asked if it might be possible to touch base a little on the discussion we had last night on IM, if he did not wish to do so then that would be fine too.
H asked what I wished to discuss.
Me: Would it help you to know what my triggers are that tend to send me off into my "weirdness" ?
H: It sure would be nice
M: I'm hesitant to tell you. I have tried to before but it doesn't go well. I realize that for you...well, you have gotten over everything so in your mind it is over and there is no need to go "there" anymore. It isn't that easy for me. I am taking more time to heal...I will heal, just not as quickly as you. DO you still want to know my triggers though?
H: Well hon, it is like you said...I'm over all that sh!t, since I'm over it you should be too.
M: I don't understand how you think that way...why I should be over something because you are. That is like my telling you that what YOU think and feel is wrong becuase I don't think/feel the same way. That would be invalidating your thoughts and feelings and I don't think you appreciate when that happens.
H: What do you mean?
M: I don't know if I can come up with a good example...try this. When I tell you about something that might be bothering me, you automatically think that I am accusing you of cheating on me. It is a preconceived notion that you have and it doesn't matter that I tell you that I am in no way, shape or form thinking along those lines...you aren't going to think otherwise. IF I am not thinking your are cheating on me then why should you think that I am? Doesn't that follow the same line's as "If I am over it then you should be too?"
( I'm not too sure about the segue there...I'm paraphrasing and i think probably missing some dialogue)
H: It is in the WAY you tell me when something bothers you that makes me thing like that. ( huh? I didn't bring that example up to discuss it...it was the only comparison i could think of ) I hate to trot out Dale Carnegie but they teach us that "it isn't HOW you say something but the WAY in which you say it". The way yo say that stuff makes me think the way I do. If you don't want me to think that then you need to figure out a better way to say it.
M: H, I am aware of that...I tell people that myself. I will try to think of a better WAY to tell you things but my experience so far is that it does not matter what way I tell you something or how it is said...you STILL think the way you do. It makes it hard to talk to you.
H: sorry about that.
M: My triggers play on the emotions that ran rampant last summer. They bring up all that pain and hurt. I am better at dealing with them then I use to be...
H: I know that, you have been better.
M: It is the emotions though that overwhelm me, not the thoughts. The thoughts are pretty much under control.
H: That's good.
M: The emotions though are still raw to an extent...only time will take care of those and I'm still not far enough out from it. I just want you to understand that.
H: Ok, I do. That is all over with though and has been, I just wish you would stop worrying about it.
The conversation then turned to discussing a work presentation he had up on the computer.
I still didn't tell H my triggers. When he made the statement that I should be over it because he was I figured they were a moot point. It would have just been "more of the same" from me in his mind.
I wish I could accept things as easily as he has. To just be able to step away from the whole mess would be a godsend for me. I don't know how to get past my own brain though I got that stupid little voice going "but,but,but" all of the time.
I guess I could make that my goal:
H is over the nastiness so I will be too.
I will approach this goal by not analyzing H's actions and words and my reactions to them.
I will ignore my triggers
I will ignore the little voice in my head
I will know I have accomplished this when my thoughts are exactly those of my H's regarding this matter.
HMMM... Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Ummm...who says you are thinking clearly now??????
Why should your thoughts ever be the same? Isn't that suppressing your thoughts for another person? Wasn't something like living for yourself just mentioned on MY thread?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I posted this on Pam's jopnt thread and felt i should post it here as well since it contains positives that occured when I finally figured out i needed to just SHUT MY MOUTH
I'm doing better with the over-active thought process as well
Well, I have defintiely learned something from reading the current posts on this and Pam's current thread
NOW I have a better understanding of WHY my H goes bonkers when I aske him questions. I, in essence, am creating that "vaccuum" that PIB has brought up.
Can anyone say "stick me with a fork and call me a chicken??"
I think I may have been in the process of figuring this out on my own...I know I have been clamping down hard on the general question asking the past few days. I have been trying hard as hell to keep my conversations with H as limited to "I" statements as I can. If I cannot respond to something with such a statement I have been making myself keep my mouth shut. IF I cannot respond positively to H...I keep my mouth shut. It is taking every ounce of self-control I posess to accomplish this and I have had a monumental headache for a couple of days now, but you know what...
IT IS WORKING!!
This would probably be more fitting to post on my own thread but I felt it might work as an example for YOU Pam since we are both obviously "vacuum" freaks
By my exerting control over myself (despite my emotional pain) and applying myself to what I KNOW I have been doing wrong. By turning off the "vacuum" so to speak,
I HAVE:
1. had 2 positive R type convos with H and not been left with the feeling that it isn't "SAFE" to do so afterwards.
2. had H become more talkative again instead of giving me the silent treatment.
3. had H THANK me for helping him work on the chicken coop last night.
4. had H cuddle up to me and start touching me more again and holding my hand as well as kissing on me.
5. woke up to find H wrapped around me...and wearing his wedding ring, which he had tossed on the end table in the living room the night before because his fingers had swollen up (this might not sound odd to some...but normally H would just wait until time to go to work to put it back on...he got out of bed, looked for it, put it back on and came back to bed )
5.
Now I realize that your and CHL's sitch is a bit different from mine Pam but do you see what happened? By applying myself to clamping down on my "same old" behaviour I was rewarded. I did not EXPECT to be rewarded so quickly either. I was hoping for nothing more then to see H smile a little bit more and perhaps look at me when he spoke and maybe the other stuff would gradually start kicking in in a week or so.
Wouldn't you just LOVE it if CHL were to come over for some reason and, because you went the extra mile and shut off the vacuum and controlled your "old behaviour", YOU WERE REWARDED WITH A SMILE and EYE CONTACT??
Don't you dare try to refute that last statement of mine by saying "yeah, but I'm never going to see him again anyway so what would be the use?" THat would be opening that vacuum up again
I don't know if this helped you any Pam but it defintely opened my eyes to the err of my ways.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Might you suggest those to be huge positives if you read them under someone else's post?
Recognizing the triggers and not pulling them, though difficult, has got to feel better than previous results.
And when you listen, you begin to hear. Told someone recently, this is really screwing up my life, really starting to listen to people. I was able to glide through the day without paying attention.
