DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[albamarie]

zig - I could use a one on one here, hope that's ok! I hope your doing well for yourself.

I have been reading Snodderly's - why they run, and am learning so much. I wish I knew where her story has taken her since '02 because she writes about how her h is "running" and not looking back at all for her.

I spent the weekend breaking my own goals, laying it all out consequences be dambed.

I made him talk ( not caring about outcome) because I was so tired. I was full of such anxiety I was crying at the doctors when the told me my anxiety is giving me psoriasis on my face.

H wants to leave so bad, be alone, he's so lost. I questioned everything, he was good with it, we spoke 12hrs and even drove to the lake, and stopped for ice cream.

I do know, whether he physically does it or not he is running. Only today do I understand that "running'' covers a variety of things he's doing right now while he's still at home.

It help's so much to be clearer on this. I understand better how I should act, but now I also understand better why, and the possibilities it brings. Whether we make it or not I need to be strong to put these lessons into action for him (because I love him) and for me.

I have to start over again reread my own goals, make new ones and take a closer look at myself because I am in new phase of my own.

I am understanding more (maybe accepting) that this r was not what I thought it was. That I was only getting 50% of my h in the first place, which now puts him at 0% (since he's half of the man he was) ? I hope you get it, what I'm trying to say.

I rewrote my own history inflating what I felt I was loosing when my h (at first) told me he wanted out. I am only now remembering that months before I told "him" I'm not in love anymore. Mainly because it was the beginning of his attacks and we were at it big time.

I have been less mothering to him, because he has asked me to let him take care of himself, but naturally I am pulling back as well. I don't have the guilt anymore if he doesn't eat or wash.

I have doubts I want to be in the m after all this. Not trying to save my m as much as now I'm trying to find my way through this in a way that we both come out ok.

I'm so tired...I know this might not be too coherent, also suffering a little joint pain in my hands (raining here). Sorry if it's long. Just need talk to someone directly and not just put it out there for anyone to respond.

thank aging - zig! I'm going to tattoo my goal to the back of my hand