Thank yo EVERYONE for your input and advice. The guys really brought home to me H's point of view and I appreciate that greatly.

The IM conversation continued a little bit more after H got back. I thanked H for allowing me to say what I had to say and that I felt better for it. He said he wouldn't be upset by it (yes, the only question I asked was if the convo upset him so I would be prepared when he came home) and was told that as long as I wasn't acting "weird" still it was OK. I told him I wouldn't be and I wasn't.

I did the best BOB I could under the circumstances when he got home for supper. I smiled at him and told him "HI" when he came in. He may have taken the fact that I jumped in the tub right after serving him his dinner as my being "distant", I don't know, but I didn't worry about that too much...I needed to take a bath

We did some spontaneous hugging and kissing but I DID NOT bring the convo up any more. I figured it was more important to SHOW H then it was to TELL him

He took me to my mom's for the evening (I try to spend at least one night a week with her). Things were ok for awhile there and then I started feeling sick, didn't think too much of it since H told me he would pick me up at midnight since I had a doctors appointment. H didn't show up.

I figured he was probably caught up at work (this happens) but by a quarter 'til 2 I was feeling really, really crappy. This on top of the earlier stress of the day was TOO much and it started to wreak havoc on one of my old triggers...one definite passive-agressive tendency my H use to display was to "punish" me by telling me he would come home from work at a certain time and then not show up until several hours later when we had had a serious type of discussion that he wasn't too pleased with...I was starting to see his lateness as "more of the same". I just really wanted to go home so I could take something to make my head stop hurting so I called him at work to see if he would be much longer.

The person who answered told me he had left over an hour ago.

This really wreaked havoc with my trigger...it was like a nightmare from last summer My mom is telling me to calm down, I'm telling myself to calm down. I exerted every ounce of will-power I had NOT to go screaming down that particular "tunnel" I did make a couple of false starts down it though H showed up about 20 minutes later. I just went out to the truck rather then wait for him to come in. I asked him where he had been (in a smiling way) he got defensive and said at work. I told him I had called and was told he had left and he said he knew, they had told him. He then launched into an explanation as to why it took him so long. I did not ask for this, it was volunteered.

He wasn't exactly pleasant to be around when we got home...I would swear he was PO'd about something (I do know when H is like this) but all he said was that he was hungry and tired. I accepted that and did my best to be pleasant in spite of it. I rubbed his back and kept my mouth shut DESPITE another big trigger being pulled...H had scratches on his back that were not there earlier. I did not try to justify them to myself and I did not seek an expalnation from him as to WHY they were there. While this trigger is one tht I have FINALLY managed to gain control over (as in I no longer confront him about them) it still HURTS me to see them. I think mostly because he stopped coming home with them for 5 months and they just started showing up again @ a month ago. I have tried to discuss this particular trigger with h but it is a no go...he takes my even mentioning a mark on his back as an implication that he is cheating on me

I don't know what to make of last night. It hurt to have those triggers pulled and still have to act like BOB. I have to trot BOB back out again now too because I have to attempt to wake him up now

Thanks again,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi