month 4

[Denver_2010]

MrsD: Things are good, thanks for checking. Nothing new on the home front....she continues to act as though I don't exist and I continue to smile and love her regardless. I know she's trying to 'detach' from me and feels as though she must because her shrink told her she was co-dependent and apparently in her world that is always a bad thing. Obviously I think too much of it can be a bad thing, but I guess im of the belief that humans...and more importantly spouses DO need one another and need at least some co-dependency in their life. Anyway, its nothing at all that I can control, but I know for a fact that she wants to detach from me as possible and she's doing this by basically acting as if I don't exist apart from helping her create a son I guess.

I don't really know its been a pretty weird ride the last week or two. On the one hand I really feel good about me in general, on the other hand im not sure anything i've done is making any difference to her and I dont have any idea where to go from here. I've tried really hard as of late to not let bitterness and resentment set in....I can feel those two demons working on me pretty hard right now. Not because she's not necessarily willing to try and save our marriage, thats really her choice to make, but more because of the way I feel i've been treated in the 4 months since we split up...I guess I feel like 15 years later I deserve to at least be treated cordially.

I guess its part of her detaching im not really sure, but she's been extra distant and cold toward me. Other than very brief interactions about our son we haven't had a conversation in over a month. Nothing more than hello how are you...and even that isnt very common. Saturday my son had a football game and as they were leaving afterward she said see you later or something like that over her shoulder and that was the complete extent of our interactions.

Maybe I shouldn't care, but it has and does bother me that it seems as though its been so incredibly easy for her to be done with this....im sure she would say differently that its built up for years....and I know about mind reading and all the rest I welcome the 2 x 4's because im stuck. Im in no mans land....I really wanna stand for my marriage and I really want to put my family back together and in the same breath...im really lonely for someone to give a crap about me. I can get by without sex....I can get by without anything physical....but im really struggling with not having anyone to care about and to care about me. My best friends wife and I talk occasionally and I really enjoy it, but I dont wanna enjoy that too much for me or for her so I try to limit that all I can. I've thought of asking someone to dinner, but I don't know how that would work...im married. I dont mean to sound so woe is me and melancholy because I know so many of you have stood for much longer than I have....im more looking for how the heck you made it. Im doing well with GAL and working on me etc....but how did you get by without intimacy? I've got friends that care don't get me wrong, and i've got family that cares...but i've always been one who wants to have someone to talk to daily....to go to dinner with....to just know is there if you want to talk.....

Where you at Denver? How did you get through this part?

I'm not going to lie to you, I spent the better part of 18 months being very lonely. I mean, I had my friends, met new friends, made myself do fun things, but most of it felt pretty damn empty.

I made it through that by maintaining KNOWING that I WOULD make it through it and that nothing that I was going through was going to kill me or be the end of the world. I made it through by maintaining hope that I would reconcile my M.

A story that I heard early in my separation always came to mind when I was particularly miserable:

"There once was a man who was sentenced to 25
years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied
to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in
the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours
a day.

For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would
wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What
was the meaning of his work? What was on the
other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain?
Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyor
belt?

For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his
work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was
grueling, but he survived.

When his sentence was complete he was released
from prison. The first thing he did was run to
the other side of the wall to see what he had
been doing all this time.

What did he see?

Nothing!

There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25
years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel
for absolutely no purpose. When the man realized
his true sentence, he collapsed and died.

The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of
backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it
was all for nothing, he couldn't survive for
another moment.

So what's the difference between pain and
suffering?

Pain has a purpose.

Suffering is true torture because it has no
meaning.

Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
devastating.

Ask any woman about child labor. How was it?
Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It
was painful, but I didn't suffer. I would do it
again.

This is the key to surviving marital problems and
making it through to a new love and peace with
your spouse.

If you think there's no purpose to your emotional
hurt, you'll just want out. You'll run from your
kids, your responsibility, your vows...you'll run
from it all just to get relief from an unbearable
suffering.

But if you can come to understand why you're in
this situation, then you'll succeed to make it
through like a woman in child labor.

Why is this happening to you? What are you
supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you
see how your marital problems are really an
opportunity for you and your spouse?"