A few thoughts you can take or leave; you know what you're doing and the effect it has; the question is why are you compelled to do it? There is something that you're still insecure about. Somehow your H isn't giving you the feedback that you need for reassurance. With my W, these are subtle things; smiles instead of sighs; touches and eye contact instead of wanting to watch TV. Of course, my "love language" seeming to be quality time, I key in on these "I'm enjoying being with you" kind of things. Zoo, how would you describe the things that make you feel loved? Somehow you're not getting that and it's making you feel insecure. (Maybe this doens't strike a chord, I don't know.)
The problem is that the more you react to it the more distant he's getting, so here's the 2x4 you asked for... the only thing you can do is feed the relationship your own energy and effort. You can't seek to extract the love you want, and that in a way is what you're trying to do verbally... talk it out, etc. - yeah, this is going to feel like pressure. Think of your relationship like a growing plant; you apply your effort to nurturing it and it will grow... but if you try to force it, tug on it, try to stretch it and make it bigger, you're just going to yank out the roots.
And it always feels like insult to injury, when you're hurting and don't seem to have much energy to give, and the situation requires energy from you, but things won't change until you focus on your 100% contribution to the relationship instead of focuing on why you don't feel right about things. I don't mean to be insensitive, so hopefully you'll take this as I intend it... but screw feeling bad about things. Screw it. Those feelings are not productive and they do not lead you to your goals. I try to look at my feelings less as things that I am subject to, and more as tools I can use. So I try to seek out positive feelings in myself so that I can apply them to the relationship... and that helps to change things.
The only thing that you have control over here is whether or not you're putting positive energy into the system... er... relationship. (Sorry, yes, I'm an engineer. )
Actually thinking about this stuff again lately... trying to get off the anti-depressents. As soon as I cut the dose in half, that irritability and quickness to be annoyed, impatience, came racing back. I'm focusing again on managing this, because W noticed immediately.
)
