Sorry I haven't been posting on anyone's threads. I have been extremely busy this weekend trying to get the chicken coop built and working on the yard. I just took a brief hiatus for a few mnutes from tilling (ugh!) and thought I'd post quick on my own thread.
H is on to my mood swings of late. Commented the other day that all I do is frown all the time. HA! This is a hard one for me because I do NOT have a natural smile. I have been working on it though and now my face hurts
Trying hard to inact the WWBBD concept. Bob was a bit more present today which helped. It is difficult becuase H is worn out so isn't exactly chipper himself. I have made extra effort to let him know that I really appreciate all the hard work he is doing lately. He has been pushing nothing more then a pencil for the last 3 years and it is "telling" I am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't opt to get lazy again and though the towel in though.
A hard thing for me to do right now is to LET him do the work rather then taking it all over "as usual". I caught myself doing this again last night when he decided that our Westie needed trimmed I don't normally clip her but hand strip her instead. H wnated the excess hair gone "NOW" though...I tried to teach him how to do the stripping but he is left-handed so the stripping knife was too awkward for him. I decided to just go ahead and clip her instead so HE could have a hand in it (it seemed to be something he wanted to do?). I cuaght myself telling him "wait, not down so far, stick to the line...here let me do it." I took a few passes, realized what I was doing and handed the clippers BACK to him and let him finish He THANKED me afterwards
I'm trying hard to get a hold on my runaway thinking. One of these days I hope I do. I still wish they made some kind of drug to control an over-analytical mind
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I have been in a "state of emergency" today. I have been crying, am exhausted and emotionally spent. Most of this is my own doing and I know that. Is this one of the stages of piecing...I don't know, what do you think?
I wouldn't normally do this but I need an outside objective opinion of things. I have blinders on and to be honest, I'm TIRED of analyzing (or trying to ) myself and my M.
This is an IM conversation between H and I. We do not normally use IM to converse like this and at the beginning of the IM you will note that I told H it might be best if we not have this conversation on IM...it happened anyway (I know...bad DB) and perhaps for the best?
zoofemme: I am having some problems...when it is convenient for you I would like to discuss them with you combat_grunt: now really that busy right now zoofemme: i dont think IM is the right place for them zoofemme: to much chance for misinterpretation combat_grunt: ok zoofemme: I have SOOOO appreciated the way you have been knocking yourself out around here combat_grunt: thank you zoofemme: it is nice to see you interested in the house and everything zoofemme: I think you are thinking I am wierding out on you again combat_grunt: no more than usual zoofemme: i don't think i like that statement combat_grunt: well, you go through phases of this zoofemme: I do? combat_grunt: yes you do combat_grunt: you have been in one about 3 weeks now zoofemme: I disaapoint you when that happens combat_grunt: it gets aggrivating zoofemme: I am afraid combat_grunt: about what zoofemme: half the time I don't know combat_grunt: that is obvious zoofemme: and other times I just feel like i am screwing everything up and probably driving you away combat_grunt: well hon, it does drive me away to some extent zoofemme: i am afraid that you have changed your mind about us again combat_grunt: i haven't changed my mind combat_grunt: but when you start this stuff, i do start to wonder zoofemme: i blame myself for failing somewhere along the line combat_grunt: you haven't failed anywhere zoofemme: our dynamic changed...i can only think that it is due to my not doing what was working zoofemme: i have been trying to figure that part out...and haven't been doing a productive job of it combat_grunt: you worry about this [censored] too much zoofemme: yes, I do zoofemme: I want things to just keep getting better and better zoofemme: I enjoy my life with you and I want it to be the best thing either one of us has ever done/experienced combat_grunt: well, it is combat_grunt: brb
I get a hint of something postive coming from this but i am not sure...that could just be because i am worn out. I went back and read my old threads...I don't know that I would recommend that to everyone, at least not if they are in the same frame of mind that i have been lately. I have experienced every emotion in the book from that re-visit.
Any and all comments, advice and 2x4 would be appreciated.
Thank you, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
From this guy's perspective--and don't take it the wrong way--There are two things going on here-- OW and you.
First, with regard to the OW, as you know, there is a lot of healing to do, especially in your heart. For H, it's pressure and a reminder; he simply wishes the issue would go away and that the two of you can go forward. Obviously, that is not going to be possible if your heart feels the way it does. Thus, in the meantime, you have to let your head take over--and give him a little bit of space and let him feel comfortable about discussing the subject with you. One of the 8,000 books I've read is "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass--which is a setep by step analysis of affiars from the perspective of all sides. I'd get my hands on it. I also would suggest consulting a good C. Ultimately, it seems the issue must be addressed head-on and if H is serious about the matter he will have to come to the table, but not right now.
Second, when I read your thought process, which contantly analyzes every detail--it reminds of me what drove a wedge between my W and me. I simply couldn't take it any more. She would see things that weren't there and it drove me nuts. Eventually, I just tuned her out to the point where she allowed someone else to tune in. In any event, all your H said in this e-mail is CHILL!!!! And when you don't chill, you put him on edge. There has to be a middle ground somewhere, but for now, you really have to dig deep to better relax and thought-stop.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. You're doing well. Relax and be good.
Quote: I wouldn't normally do this but I need an outside objective opinion of things. I have blinders on and to be honest, I'm TIRED of analyzing (or trying to ) myself and my M.
Zoo,
Let us try and look at this objectively, if you can? The number one positive I see, if H is willing to tell you how he feels and perceives the R. It may not be exactly what YOU want to hear, but if you listen, he is telling you. Two, you (and you know this) and he his telling you, are OVERANALYZING the R, the M, the H, yourself, chickens, dogs, cats, sheep, the sky, and anything else your little out of control brain can and will imagine. H is ok with the R and the idea that you are not or he is not better than ok, is driving you in circles. Well, if H is NOT happy (and note he did not say he was not happy) then it must be me. And what advice what Zoo give a 3rd party who kept blaming themselves for what the spouse is doing? Sound familiar? Seems like somebody told me this VERY thing. Hmmmm? Quit overreacting and blaming yourself and looking for every possible negative and overanalyzing every word you or H says. Think for a second how many people would long to be where you are?! QUIT. Enjoy what you have and relish the moments and the time with H.
A few thoughts you can take or leave; you know what you're doing and the effect it has; the question is why are you compelled to do it? There is something that you're still insecure about. Somehow your H isn't giving you the feedback that you need for reassurance. With my W, these are subtle things; smiles instead of sighs; touches and eye contact instead of wanting to watch TV. Of course, my "love language" seeming to be quality time, I key in on these "I'm enjoying being with you" kind of things. Zoo, how would you describe the things that make you feel loved? Somehow you're not getting that and it's making you feel insecure. (Maybe this doens't strike a chord, I don't know.)
The problem is that the more you react to it the more distant he's getting, so here's the 2x4 you asked for... the only thing you can do is feed the relationship your own energy and effort. You can't seek to extract the love you want, and that in a way is what you're trying to do verbally... talk it out, etc. - yeah, this is going to feel like pressure. Think of your relationship like a growing plant; you apply your effort to nurturing it and it will grow... but if you try to force it, tug on it, try to stretch it and make it bigger, you're just going to yank out the roots.
And it always feels like insult to injury, when you're hurting and don't seem to have much energy to give, and the situation requires energy from you, but things won't change until you focus on your 100% contribution to the relationship instead of focuing on why you don't feel right about things. I don't mean to be insensitive, so hopefully you'll take this as I intend it... but screw feeling bad about things. Screw it. Those feelings are not productive and they do not lead you to your goals. I try to look at my feelings less as things that I am subject to, and more as tools I can use. So I try to seek out positive feelings in myself so that I can apply them to the relationship... and that helps to change things.
The only thing that you have control over here is whether or not you're putting positive energy into the system... er... relationship. (Sorry, yes, I'm an engineer. )
Actually thinking about this stuff again lately... trying to get off the anti-depressents. As soon as I cut the dose in half, that irritability and quickness to be annoyed, impatience, came racing back. I'm focusing again on managing this, because W noticed immediately.
And it always feels like insult to injury, when you're hurting and don't seem to have much energy to give, and the situation requires energy from you, but things won't change until you focus on your 100% contribution to the relationship instead of focuing on why you don't feel right about things. I don't mean to be insensitive, so hopefully you'll take this as I intend it... but screw feeling bad about things. Screw it. Those feelings are not productive and they do not lead you to your goals. I try to look at my feelings less as things that I am subject to, and more as tools I can use. So I try to seek out positive feelings in myself so that I can apply them to the relationship... and that helps to change things.
What an incredible read.
I can't add anything more to this!
Wait...yes I can. I noticed that when I tell Husband that I'm feeling insecure...it seems to give him permission to start questioning our relationship too. So...it looks like I am leading by example. So, I must make sure to set a postive example. Perhaps the same is true for you?
Quote: when I read your thought process, which contantly analyzes every detail--it reminds of me what drove a wedge between my W and me. I simply couldn't take it any more. She would see things that weren't there and it drove me nuts. Eventually, I just tuned her out to the point where she allowed someone else to tune in
If it is any comfort, I also have the same problem! I OVER analyze EVERYTHING! And it drove a wedge between my H and I also! So I think you and now I see I, also need to work on this. ASk yourself; what little things could my H do or say to make me feel more secure? write them down and approach him with it. Tell him it would help you greatly if he would help you feel more secure if he...
I like these posts and it brought to mind what I did wrong in the R and what I need to work on!
Thank yo EVERYONE for your input and advice. The guys really brought home to me H's point of view and I appreciate that greatly.
The IM conversation continued a little bit more after H got back. I thanked H for allowing me to say what I had to say and that I felt better for it. He said he wouldn't be upset by it (yes, the only question I asked was if the convo upset him so I would be prepared when he came home) and was told that as long as I wasn't acting "weird" still it was OK. I told him I wouldn't be and I wasn't.
I did the best BOB I could under the circumstances when he got home for supper. I smiled at him and told him "HI" when he came in. He may have taken the fact that I jumped in the tub right after serving him his dinner as my being "distant", I don't know, but I didn't worry about that too much...I needed to take a bath
We did some spontaneous hugging and kissing but I DID NOT bring the convo up any more. I figured it was more important to SHOW H then it was to TELL him
He took me to my mom's for the evening (I try to spend at least one night a week with her). Things were ok for awhile there and then I started feeling sick, didn't think too much of it since H told me he would pick me up at midnight since I had a doctors appointment. H didn't show up.
I figured he was probably caught up at work (this happens) but by a quarter 'til 2 I was feeling really, really crappy. This on top of the earlier stress of the day was TOO much and it started to wreak havoc on one of my old triggers...one definite passive-agressive tendency my H use to display was to "punish" me by telling me he would come home from work at a certain time and then not show up until several hours later when we had had a serious type of discussion that he wasn't too pleased with...I was starting to see his lateness as "more of the same". I just really wanted to go home so I could take something to make my head stop hurting so I called him at work to see if he would be much longer.
The person who answered told me he had left over an hour ago.
This really wreaked havoc with my trigger...it was like a nightmare from last summer My mom is telling me to calm down, I'm telling myself to calm down. I exerted every ounce of will-power I had NOT to go screaming down that particular "tunnel" I did make a couple of false starts down it though H showed up about 20 minutes later. I just went out to the truck rather then wait for him to come in. I asked him where he had been (in a smiling way) he got defensive and said at work. I told him I had called and was told he had left and he said he knew, they had told him. He then launched into an explanation as to why it took him so long. I did not ask for this, it was volunteered.
He wasn't exactly pleasant to be around when we got home...I would swear he was PO'd about something (I do know when H is like this) but all he said was that he was hungry and tired. I accepted that and did my best to be pleasant in spite of it. I rubbed his back and kept my mouth shut DESPITE another big trigger being pulled...H had scratches on his back that were not there earlier. I did not try to justify them to myself and I did not seek an expalnation from him as to WHY they were there. While this trigger is one tht I have FINALLY managed to gain control over (as in I no longer confront him about them) it still HURTS me to see them. I think mostly because he stopped coming home with them for 5 months and they just started showing up again @ a month ago. I have tried to discuss this particular trigger with h but it is a no go...he takes my even mentioning a mark on his back as an implication that he is cheating on me
I don't know what to make of last night. It hurt to have those triggers pulled and still have to act like BOB. I have to trot BOB back out again now too because I have to attempt to wake him up now
Thanks again, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I took a few passes, realized what I was doing and handed the clippers BACK to him and let him finish 
He THANKED me afterwards 
