If I don't ask him to leave (and there is always a possibility he will say no), how do I set constructive boundaries while he is in the house?
It's a tough question. Boundaries can be pressure, and he won't react well to pressure. It may help if you list the boundaries you are considering so some of the vets can look them over.
Your sitch is pretty unusual in that you were the WAS and are now the LBS. It's only been a little over a month since your H announced the OW, so my gut feeling is it's too soon to set boundaries. You convinced him things were over, and now that you've attempted to reconcile he's really confused about what to do. He's probably questioning whether you're really serious or will revert to WAS again and that will no doubt be keeping him from opening his heart to you. I just feel like if you start putting pressure on him too soon it'll convince him to leave.
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Can I literally make him move into the spare room? (Right now his clothes are still in my room) and I wonder how my daughter would react to that. Can you give me some suggestions on "how to act" everything is fine?
Acting "as if" would mean not applying any pressure to him at all. So basically you act like you don't care whether he's in your room or not. You're fine if he stays, fine if he goes into another room. If he says he wants to move into another room then you just tell him "I understand why you feel that way, and if you think it's best than I support your decision." Basically he's confused right now and you need to allow him time and space to sort this out and decide what he wants to do. In the meantime it's best not to apply pressure.
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I am not brushing him off at all. When he actually does talk, I listen intently, and respond honestly.
Good, that's exactly what you should do. Be a good listener.
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And if he stays, how do I stop being a doormat and let him keep "cake eating"?
I haven't read anything that makes it sound like you're a doormat or that he's cake eating. You said there's no PA didn't you? He has an EA going, but that was due to your pushing him away. He's still trying to decide what to do, so that's not cake eating IMO.
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And so your wife is no longer in the house? How is that going? How are you able to work towards reconciliation while she is off with OM?
Yeah, she moved out. It's going OK, no movement towards reconciliation but it hasn't even been a month yet and I'm expecting it to take 4+ months before she may turn around. No OM that I know of. We're on friendly terms, doing stuff with the kids about once a week. I'm mostly dim in the R, not sending emails, texts, or calling unless it's something kid-related. Just in the waiting phase for now.
