Thank you very much, your words are reassuring. I just wish I wasn't so damn impulsive, esp when it comes to texting! But I've put my sister on notice that she is now my "H" and if I get an impulse to text him she said I could text her instead I wish I could "go dark" and him still live here but I cannot end up on my kitchen floor again in an anxiety attack. I don't see any other way to get my emotions in check. But I have 5-6 days to see what happens but then again if I "let him go" be with OW, maybe he will get a reality check of what he will be missing. Right now he's "cake eating" as I've read on here and also my therapist said this as well. So, the countdown is on to monday/tuesday to see how well I can do. Thanks again for your support and telling me your story as well, sounds like you are being pretty strong. I hope I can get there too.
I think the best way to detach is to ask him to leave, its the only way I can take back control of my life which is the ultimate detachment in my opinion. But being the once WAS, I worry to him it'll just be more of the same behaviour and push him closer to OW.
I'd say that's a very real danger. I get the impression from your OP that the reason your H left is specifically because you were detached while you were in the WAS phase. Didn't he say something like he was tired of waiting and that's why he sought the OW? I have a feeling that if you kick him out he'll be gone for good, so don't do it unless you're willing to accept that. DBing calls for "acting as if" everything is fine even when it isn't, of always maintaining a PMA. This can be done with or without your spouse in the house. But it's easier to show your spouse 180s and PMA when they're under the same roof. But you're right, it is easier to detach (or at least it was for me) after they've left.
Quote:
retreating to "my" bedroom (so this is a DB tactic correct?)
A lot of people think detaching is about growing cold and ignoring and shutting their spouse out. That's not it at all, it's focusing on yourself instead of your spouse and giving them the space they're asking for. But it's also being compassionate towards them, listening to them when they want to talk, being available when they want you there. Now going dark is another matter, but going dark is a last resort when all else fails and shouldn't be used until DBing has been tried for months.
Quote:
But yet he will come in and say goodnight. Or he will ask me where I was when I was out. But then I think I'm just reading too much into it.
Well you don't want to read much into it for sure, but it sounds like he wants to talk. How are you reacting, are you talking to him or brushing him off?
If I don't ask him to leave (and there is always a possibility he will say no), how do I set constructive boundaries while he is in the house? Can I literally make him move into the spare room? (Right now his clothes are still in my room) and I wonder how my daughter would react to that. Can you give me some suggestions on "how to act" everything is fine?
I am not brushing him off at all. When he actually does talk, I listen intently, and respond honestly. But I can't sit in the living room with him and watch him text with OW, it hurts too much and causes anxiety.
And if he stays, how do I stop being a doormat and let him keep "cake eating"?
I'm going to buy the darn book today, enough with the waiting!!!
And so your wife is no longer in the house? How is that going? How are you able to work towards reconciliation while she is off with OM?
If I don't ask him to leave (and there is always a possibility he will say no), how do I set constructive boundaries while he is in the house?
It's a tough question. Boundaries can be pressure, and he won't react well to pressure. It may help if you list the boundaries you are considering so some of the vets can look them over.
Your sitch is pretty unusual in that you were the WAS and are now the LBS. It's only been a little over a month since your H announced the OW, so my gut feeling is it's too soon to set boundaries. You convinced him things were over, and now that you've attempted to reconcile he's really confused about what to do. He's probably questioning whether you're really serious or will revert to WAS again and that will no doubt be keeping him from opening his heart to you. I just feel like if you start putting pressure on him too soon it'll convince him to leave.
Quote:
Can I literally make him move into the spare room? (Right now his clothes are still in my room) and I wonder how my daughter would react to that. Can you give me some suggestions on "how to act" everything is fine?
Acting "as if" would mean not applying any pressure to him at all. So basically you act like you don't care whether he's in your room or not. You're fine if he stays, fine if he goes into another room. If he says he wants to move into another room then you just tell him "I understand why you feel that way, and if you think it's best than I support your decision." Basically he's confused right now and you need to allow him time and space to sort this out and decide what he wants to do. In the meantime it's best not to apply pressure.
Quote:
I am not brushing him off at all. When he actually does talk, I listen intently, and respond honestly.
Good, that's exactly what you should do. Be a good listener.
Quote:
And if he stays, how do I stop being a doormat and let him keep "cake eating"?
I haven't read anything that makes it sound like you're a doormat or that he's cake eating. You said there's no PA didn't you? He has an EA going, but that was due to your pushing him away. He's still trying to decide what to do, so that's not cake eating IMO.
Quote:
And so your wife is no longer in the house? How is that going? How are you able to work towards reconciliation while she is off with OM?
Yeah, she moved out. It's going OK, no movement towards reconciliation but it hasn't even been a month yet and I'm expecting it to take 4+ months before she may turn around. No OM that I know of. We're on friendly terms, doing stuff with the kids about once a week. I'm mostly dim in the R, not sending emails, texts, or calling unless it's something kid-related. Just in the waiting phase for now.
I really don't know what the boundaries would be at all. Any suggestions?Its very hard for me to be in the same room with him while he is texting with OW or watch him "groom" himself before "going out for a while". That's when my anxiety rises.What would the pressure be that I wold be putting on him? I don't question who he is talking to, or where he goes but im told he is "cake eating" because he basically has free reign in our house right now - I do his laundry, dishes, cook his meals and do everything with our daughter while he just sits there looking miserable but "acting" happy while texting with her when he is actually home. I get him things at the store, groceries, let him watch whatever he wants on the TV while I clean the house. What would that be considered if its not cake eating?I know its a trust issue and he even said that me when this started - "sure a few months will go by but then you'll want to start going out again" which is why i'm scared to "go dark" but I sometimes have to take myself out of the picture and go into my room or not speak to him because it hurts too much emotionally.
And im quite positive its not just a EA with OW, there is evidence that it is a PA now. I of course cannot be 100 percent sure but I am quite sure that it is physical now.
Does that make a difference? Am I stupid to still want to reconcile if he is sleeping with someone else?
I really don't know what the boundaries would be at all. Any suggestions?Its very hard for me to be in the same room with him while he is texting with OW or watch him "groom" himself before "going out for a while".
I recently set boundaries which you can find on my post here:
I would encourage you to read a little more of my sitch so you get the context of why I set them. You may also be comforted by the fact that I had many of the same questions you did. Ultimately, for me, it was utterly disrespectful to me when she would text/email him while we were in the same room or car, etc.
I know there were calculated risks with setting the boundaries but the reality was I was working on me in doing this and believed I deserved that much respect in the home where we are raising our children. I am one week into experiencing boundaries right now, so I am not declaring them a complete success except for the fact that I gained additional piece of mind for me and regained some self respect for me which I needed.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
And im quite positive its not just a EA with OW, there is evidence that it is a PA now. I of course cannot be 100 percent sure but I am quite sure that it is physical now.
I am curious. Without snooping, how do you know it is a PA now? Also, even if it has moved form an EA to a PA, how does that change how you are going to improve yourself or focus on yourself?
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
Am I stupid to still want to reconcile if he is sleeping with someone else?
We are all here to save our M. I dont feel stupid for trying to make my M better and enjoy life with my W again. I think you are smart for coming on here and working hard to make changes for yourself.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
I really don't know what the boundaries would be at all. Any suggestions?Its very hard for me to be in the same room with him while he is texting with OW or watch him "groom" himself before "going out for a while". That's when my anxiety rises.
OK, I think I understand a little better what you're getting at. If the EA is a PA now then yes, you may be right in asking him to leave. Especially in light of the fact that he's contributing nothing to the household. It might be ultimatum time where you sit down with him and lovingly tell him that you want to work on the M, but if he insists on continuing the A then you think it would be best for both of you if he moves out.
Quote:
I don't question who he is talking to, or where he goes but im told he is "cake eating" because he basically has free reign in our house right now
Cake eating is actively participating in two relationships at the same time, and it's especially cake eating if there's sex in both R's. I had the impression that your H was still considering reconciling, but was on the fence; that he was still in contact with OW but not in a PA. If that's the case then it's not cake-eating so much as just being undecided. But if there's a PA then that changes things.
Quote:
Am I stupid to still want to reconcile if he is sleeping with someone else?
Not at all! You have to decide for yourself is a PA is a deal killer for the M. For some it is, for others it isn't. DR has a chapter on infidelity that you might want to go back and read. Michele starts the chapter with hope, talking about how many M's have been saved after infidelity. I've tried to think about what I would do if I found out my W has a PA going on and honestly I don't know. But I tend to think I would still be willing to reconcile because neither of us were virgins when we met and that didn't stop us from falling in love, so why couldn't it happen again?
AnotherStander what do you mean that if its a PA that changes things? I don't know for sure and there's nothing to snoop for but he's "grooming" a lot more than what he used to and a short that I wasjed for himhad cat hair on the inside of it. If he was just working at someones house who had a pet how would it get on the inside of the shirt. And yes I still would reconcile if he comes back. He has told me 2 weeks ago he is "in a relationship" but would not say it was physical. We have not had sex since he "dropped the bomb" august 22. Thanks Williams I will look up your thread. My therapist said he is cake eating because he's getting emotional and possibly sexual needs through her and then everything else through me.
Why is it better for him to move out if its PA? I just don't see any other way to improve myself while catering to his needs as well. I want to, of course but want to fully not just part time.
Why is it better for him to move out if its PA? I just don't see any other way to improve myself while catering to his needs as well. I want to, of course but want to fully not just part time.
Well you have to do what you feel is best for you, if I understand you correctly then you're saying that even if he's not in a PA that you want him gone so you can work on yourself? And if you feel strongly about that then it may be the logical next step.
It's difficult to reconcile if one spouse is actively engaged in a PA. An EA is tough too, but a PA establishes intimate physical contact and bonds that are much more difficult to break. Reconciliation is always possible, but usually the affair has to be broken off first. Then the PA spouse has to go through a grieving process of losing that person, and often during that process they will try to go back to them.
oh. that's sad to hear Ive been trying to look at it from a point of view of that people break up, see other people and then get back together all the time. Especially people with history as we have. Whether its PA or EA doesnt matter, I still have to focus on me and "forget" about what he is doing. Im still on the fence about asking him to leave but I am still leaning towards asking him to. All I can do at this point is make myself a better person which everyone on here has been saying. I found some information this morning on setting goals which I am going to have a read of.
