I am feeling some better. It has not been a very good day or two here. It's improving. Thanks everyone. I am still reading and listening.
I want to remain married for many reasons. The very first one is that my husband was for many many years my very best friend on this earth. Then once his depression really kicked in things went to the proverbial hell in a handbasket. We have been through a lot in the last 5 or 6 years. It's weird. Just as I was thinking that finally we have made it through all the stress and drama is when he wigs out. I even told him that. I am almost done with school which is an enormous stressor. I really cannot describe it to someone outside. I have to say too that in the time I have been going to school I have been an @ss. Really. It is my own stress level. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. It just is part of it. It's a universal feeling among my classmates as well. Even my instructors have said many marriages just don't survive nursing school. I'm sure that sounds crazy to you guys. I really think part of this is that he is afraid I am going to leave him. Or was. He has verbalized that many many times. Even about 2 weeks before he left. That is what had me so confused. I always just tried to reassure him that was not the case. He would plead with me not to leave and make comments like that then he just up and left. I sort of feel like maybe it was a preemptive strike. I dunno.
Also, we have 4 wonderful kids who think their Dad is the best thing since sliced bread despite his issues. True unconditional love. It is killing me to see the pain they are in.
Things are actually some better with him. But it is very slow. Perhaps my biggest challenge is in fact that I want it to go faster. Truth be told, I don't think he is working through things that fast. I am starting to realize that regardless he is still listening to me even if I think he is not. He seems to internalize things for a bit while he marinates on them.
My S14 said the other day that he really doesn't feel like H being gone is permanent. To be honest, I don't really either. It's still painful though. And then when I think about him coming back then I wonder what if I am wrong?
And yes, I do need to go see IC. It has taken them several weeks to get me back in the calendar. So I will finally get to go next Thursday. I am looking forward to it somewhat but it's going to be a mess. One of the probs is that the IC I had seen for 6 years was transferred to a different facility so I am starting over with a new one. That part doesn't thrill me. I am told they have very similar styles though. So here's hoping that goes well.
