Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[sage]

Hey Zoo...I'm a little late to the ballgame but I could relate to what you posted a few days ago...

I tried to talk to H about it the next day. I told him how I felt about what I was perceiving. It didn't go over well I got a typical response:

"I haven't spoken 10 words to OW in 10 days. You are NEVER going to let this go, you will hit me over the head with it 'til the day I keel over!"

I was mortified by his words. Up until that time I have only asked H about OW SPECIFICALLY maybe 3 times?

Been there, done that. I can count on 1 and a half hands the number of times I've initiated a conversation about OW (and the majority were in the first few days after finding out). Last time I mentioned my fears around her h said something very similar to your h but then tacked on "maybe we should just split up now...take the pain and just get it over worth..."

H truly doesn't give a damn about my feelings on this and won't help me with it. I guess I can only bury it as deep as possible and HOPE it doesn't become worse

I honestly don't think it's that he doesn't care about your feelings..I think it's just too darned painful for them and the DO want it to be "over". I'm worried about your idea re. burying it as deep as possible...that sounds like a recipe for disaster...You CAN release your anger in other ways, you can even disipate it (nearly or totally?) completely even without his help...I honestly don't think burying it is a great idea.

He apparently wasn't listening because nothing came of the talk...if anything it had the opposite effect because the touching has tapered off as well.

Again...I don't think the ASSumption about not listening is accurate...he may just not know what to do and/or may be extra concerned about doing something wrong, not doing enough. My 2 cents is based on Mars and Venus (and Michele!). Catch him doing something "right". Thank him very specifically when he does feel up your tank...appreciate what he IS doing...

Am I making H feel inadequate? Am I causing him to feel as if he can do nothing right? I don't know. He tells me one thing and acts the opposite.

Have you read Mars and Venus?

I finf myself making excuses constantly for his behaviour. He is having a tough time at work, he is tired, his head hurts, his back hurts, he is bored, he is busy, he is preoccupied, he is watching TV, he is reading...the list goes on and on. I do this the whole time we are in each other's presence because I cannot for the life of me figure out what has brought on the change. I know I have been harping on this but our R has CHANGED from what it was like Sept-Dec. My perception is it hasn't changed exactly for the better either

So...again...throwing out the two cents...if you stop judging (interpreting, ASSuming, analyzing) his behavior you won't have to make mental excuses for it....if you can really and truly do this, it will take some pressure off of both of you (tacit or not). I know it's hard to do but can you stop personalizing/analyzing what he is and isn't doing?

We DO have our good times...I don't want to take away from that. H does surprise me on occasion too...last week he totally freaked me out when he sent me an apology IM for his behaviour earlier in the day (he was stressing and I bore the brunt of it). He has been doing stuff around the house that have needed taken care of forever. This whole chicken thing is a big undertaking for him. I have made it a point to let him know that all of this is very appreciated and that he is doing a great job accomplishing these things.

AWESOME!!!

I act as if as much as I possibly can but on the inside I am CHAOS. I've got the fear again and it is building daily I see SO many red-flags and I'm beginning to feel boxed in. I worry that, like any cornered animal, I will fight back...in all the wrong ways. I try to maintain my focus on me and I do ok for the most part in that area...it is the emotional aspects that I am having the most problems with.

So...sounds like you need to figure out some concrete ways to shed these feelings before they do harm

What works for you? Exercise? meditation? journalling?

Sage