THe peeps are doing great...growing like weeds! We actually got 10 more (production reds and california whites) so that brings our total up to 41 At the rate we are going we may have to convert the chicken house BACK into a chicken house LOL!
I keep meaning to update my sitch but it has been hectic around here what with the peeps and the garden and everything. H is finally starting to bust his butt around here and get things done. He built a bigger brooder this weekend and a bunch of other stuff
I've done some bad DB'ing and some good...will try to post more about that later.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
ok, I haven't posted in awhile. I have been busy with mundane things and feeling completely out of sorts regarding my M/R so didn't really know what to say about it.
I think on my last journaling post I talked about the OW issues I had. I tried to talk to H about it the next day. I told him how I felt about what I was perceiving. It didn't go over well I got a typical response:
"I haven't spoken 10 words to OW in 10 days. You are NEVER going to let this go, you will hit me over the head with it 'til the day I keel over!"
I was mortified by his words. Up until that time I have only asked H about OW SPECIFICALLY maybe 3 times? Any other discussion about OW has only come out from his intiating conversation and I try to always be neutral about it rather then angry and confrontational.
With his statement I dropped the discussion. I knew trying to push it any farther would be useless pursuit behaviour (perceived as). I don't think I can go to this area of the sitch anymore...H truly doesn't give a damn about my feelings on this and won't help me with it. I guess I can only bury it as deep as possible and HOPE it doesn't become worse
I'm actually beginning to think that asking for "what I want" just isn't viable either. I sat down last week and told H straight out that my "love tank" wasn't being filled. I told him that he had previously said that I NEEDED to tell him things regarding this kind of thing because as a guy he just didn't always "get it" and I felt that he wasn't "getting it" right now. I told him what I needed (WOA mostly, he was doing pretty good with TOUCHING) he said ok...and that was it. He apparently wasn't listening because nothing came of the talk...if anything it had the opposite effect because the touching has tapered off as well.
I won't even go into the whole sex issue...that is turning into a fiasco into and of itself H says it isn't an issue, it is the last thing on his mind right now and he doesn't see any problem. I feel like I am adrift in a barren desert
Am I making H feel inadequate? Am I causing him to feel as if he can do nothing right? I don't know. He tells me one thing and acts the opposite.
I finf myself making excuses constantly for his behaviour. He is having a tough time at work, he is tired, his head hurts, his back hurts, he is bored, he is busy, he is preoccupied, he is watching TV, he is reading...the list goes on and on. I do this the whole time we are in each other's presence because I cannot for the life of me figure out what has brought on the change. I know I have been harping on this but our R has CHANGED from what it was like Sept-Dec. My perception is it hasn't changed exactly for the better either
We DO have our good times...I don't want to take away from that. H does surprise me on occasion too...last week he totally freaked me out when he sent me an apology IM for his behaviour earlier in the day (he was stressing and I bore the brunt of it). He has been doing stuff around the house that have needed taken care of forever. This whole chicken thing is a big undertaking for him. I have made it a point to let him know that all of this is very appreciated and that he is doing a great job accomplishing these things.
I have also voiced concerns I have though. I don't know if that is such a good thing to do or not but H is bad about following through sometimes and is a big procrastinator. I felt it was necessary to make sure this wouldn't be the case this time around as well. I told him that I was worried that he might start building up resentment because the projects he was starting were going to take up any "play money" we might have. I asked him if he was sure he felt "warm and fuzzy" about these undertakings (this is a term he uses when he REALLY doesn't want to do something). His response was "yes" and that there wasn't really anything he wanted or needed that would require "play money". He said we bought this place in order to become somewhat self-sustaining and for 3 years we haven't done anything. I concurred with that but said that I just wanted to make sure he was of the same frame of mind.
I act as if as much as I possibly can but on the inside I am CHAOS. I've got the fear again and it is building daily I see SO many red-flags and I'm beginning to feel boxed in. I worry that, like any cornered animal, I will fight back...in all the wrong ways. I try to maintain my focus on me and I do ok for the most part in that area...it is the emotional aspects that I am having the most problems with.
I guess i just continue to "WAIT and SEE".
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Have you become the newbie and the newbies the veterans? What would you say to this person if you read their post?
Look for the positives!
Quote: You are NEVER going to let this go, you will hit me over the head with it 'til the day I keel over!"
Would this be an example of something a WAS might say? Something 100% negative?
Quote: Am I making H feel inadequate? Am I causing him to feel as if he can do nothing right? I don't know. He tells me one thing and acts the opposite.
Can you control his actions, words. behavior? Who is the only one you control?
I see LOTS of positives. You can tell him what you want and what is on your mind. He may get upset, angry, hurt, but you know you have been honest with yourself. Look at your behavior when you do NOT tell him something; it eats you up and you take it out on yourself. Smart?
Hang in. Relish the fact you and H CAN have the communication you have and need.
I don't no about the role reversal with the newbies and the veterans...I just know that I'm pretty darn frustrated.
I'm not sure if what gets said between h and I is exactly what one would call communication. As often as not It entails me doing all the talking and H just nodding his head or saying OK in all the appropriate places. I know this to be true because I have asked him to repeat what I just said and he will TELL me "I don't know, I wasn't listening" Yes, I have told him that this irritates me and I have been nice when I told him. I have used proper DB form
Of course, last night I was on the edge and ended up not being so nice. I did some of the WRONG things, things I know get me absolutely nowhere. I was confrontational as soon as he walked in the door. We had a rare bad IM interaction and I voiced my displeasure about it. Bad IM's are not typical of us...I normally make a concerted effort to avoid them. I do not IM H unless it is important, I wait for him to initiate IM convos and I don't try to keep them going just to fill air space. I guess last night just wasn't a good night for me.
H went straight to bed when he got off work last night. I sat in there with him. He looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I wanted to talk but I knew it wasn't a good time because he was tired and I knew he didn't like to talk then. We probably would have been ok if he had said something like "we'll talk tomorrow then' but instead he said "What is it? What is there to talk about? " I told him there was plenty to talk about, at least from my perspective. He asked me again "what?" and I took that as encouragement.
I asked him where his mind was. I asked him if he was so focused on the crap at work, the military and everything else that he had shuffled our R down the ladder or put it on the back burner. I aksed if he was becoming self-absorbed again. His answer to all of that was "No, not at all." I told him that I was perceiving things that way. I told him that I was confused by everything lately and was trying to understand what was going on.
I asked him what his take was on the R. He said he didn't have one. I said "you have no thoughts, ideas or feelings regarding how the R is going?" He said not really. I asked if he felt the R was going forward, backward or staying the same? He said "staying the same." I asked if he meant that in the context of the "good" R that we had begun reaching? He said "yes, I thought things were going great until you brought all this crap up."
I told him I was not UNHAPPY with the R, just confused by some of what was going on. He said that there was a LOT going on...work, the military, the chickens, the garden, the house, and all that stuff (remember what he said when I asked him all this a couple of paragraphs ago?) and he didn't understand why I was "wierding" out again. I told him that being confused was NOT the same as my wierding out...that I was only trying to understand better something that I didn't.
We went to sleep on that note.
I don't think he is pissed, he didn't seem like it this morning...I do know that he internalizes a lot though and works things over in his mind just like I do. It is a bad habit that we are both guilty of.
I wish someone would introduce me to "Bob"...I keep trying to trot him out but all I end up with is "Bob Barker" on a bad hair day
I don't know WHY I can't let this crap go. I know it is just "more of the same", it doesn't matter what angle I come at it from and H just trots out the same answers as always. I haven't figured out how to stop my behaviour though. Just "doing it" isn't working. Visual stop signs and rubber band thumping have no effect, I just shrug them off and keep bulldozing forward. My subconscience is fighting me every step of the way and it is like i am just too weary to wrestle much anymore.
I need a vacation...from MYSELF! Anyone figured out how to accomplish that one yet?
Thanx, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Quote: As often as not It entails me doing all the talking and H just nodding his head or saying OK in all the appropriate places.
This is going to be difficult to grasp, believe it or not, we do not NOT listen on purpose. It is a bad habit and one we confess to having not always known and until a situation reaches crisis point, we do not try to repair it. Why? Well, that probably gets into a whole different question. This is not intentional and it is frustrating for us, because we do not recall what was said and know later we will be reprimanded for it. It involves active listening, paying attention and listening for certain words and framing and I repeat, until a crisis occurred, we did not know how to do this.
Is this frustrating for you? Absolutely.
I've only scratched the surface or Venus/Mars, wish I read it a long time ago, but I see a lot of men/women communication dynamic going on with you and H.
And you know, we do not perceive problems the same and do not like to talk about them and when we are willing, it is usually too late.
Believe me, he hears you, he just does not understand what he is hearing. The male perspective is much different and we do not see the same "problems" you do, and when we do, as I said, it is too late. Understand, we want to understand your perspective, you have to help us and be patient.
Yes, we are our own worst enemy. Nothing bad happen to me today and yet I've been down imagining future events. Productive? No.
Go forward and realize we want to be engaged we sometimes do not know how or when.
You are right and I agree with everything you have said. H and I are both aware of this problem too and on better days have discussed how to go about it in depth.
He forgets ever having the discussions though. For him, once they are over, they are over and no need to touch base on them. He doens't practice what he preaches in other words. If I stop applying MYSELF though to the areas he has pointed out I have problems with...well, I am just "wierding" out on him again and being a typical female.
Catch-22
He is currently attending the Dale Carnegie course "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Maybe he'll learn some better communication skills from that? Now whether he will apply them to us or not is a different story
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
You need an introduction to Bob? Well, I'm here to do it. Bob, meet my girlfriend, Zoo. Zoo, Bob is THRILLED to meet your acquaintance too!
Ok, so lets start with Bob's ideal time to pop in for a visit. Looking from your past few posts, coming home after work seems to be a mission critical time for you. You have had those wheels in motion all day and are ready and loaded for bear when your H walks through the door.
Bob really shines at this time of day. In fact: he LOVES it! Oh, and he said he doesn't care if your hair looks crappy and your makeup is long gone. He's still going to work fabulously with you.
What if....
You made a decision to put off whatever has been on your mind for awhile? You decide to act AS IF your H is going to be really THRILLED to see you (and given the fact that he's taking Dale's classes, he can't help but come home with a positive slant)?
So you muster up the energy to enthusiastically greet him when he walks through the door. You smile (a real smile, no fake ones accepted), walk over to him, put your arms around him and hug him while sneaking in a kiss. And you tell him how happy you are to see him?
Give it a try for a few days, and see how he responds.
Now realize that Bob isn't a long term solution, nor will he want to be a stand in for when you need to talk. But he will help the process move along if you let him.
Your in-between assignments will be to call him once a day (with Bob) and say hello AS IF he will be happy to speak to you.
Basically, you know this stuff. If your H is reacting to your edginess about things, he's going to play off of you. So if you and Bob get grounded, he's more apt to chat.
Am I so out of steam that I don't make sense? If so, bonk me on the head and I'll try to get with the program tomorrow.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hey Zoo...I'm a little late to the ballgame but I could relate to what you posted a few days ago...
Quote: I tried to talk to H about it the next day. I told him how I felt about what I was perceiving. It didn't go over well I got a typical response:
"I haven't spoken 10 words to OW in 10 days. You are NEVER going to let this go, you will hit me over the head with it 'til the day I keel over!"
I was mortified by his words. Up until that time I have only asked H about OW SPECIFICALLY maybe 3 times?
Been there, done that. I can count on 1 and a half hands the number of times I've initiated a conversation about OW (and the majority were in the first few days after finding out). Last time I mentioned my fears around her h said something very similar to your h but then tacked on "maybe we should just split up now...take the pain and just get it over worth..."
Quote: H truly doesn't give a damn about my feelings on this and won't help me with it. I guess I can only bury it as deep as possible and HOPE it doesn't become worse
I honestly don't think it's that he doesn't care about your feelings..I think it's just too darned painful for them and the DO want it to be "over". I'm worried about your idea re. burying it as deep as possible...that sounds like a recipe for disaster...You CAN release your anger in other ways, you can even disipate it (nearly or totally?) completely even without his help...I honestly don't think burying it is a great idea.
Quote: He apparently wasn't listening because nothing came of the talk...if anything it had the opposite effect because the touching has tapered off as well.
Again...I don't think the ASSumption about not listening is accurate...he may just not know what to do and/or may be extra concerned about doing something wrong, not doing enough. My 2 cents is based on Mars and Venus (and Michele!). Catch him doing something "right". Thank him very specifically when he does feel up your tank...appreciate what he IS doing...
Quote: Am I making H feel inadequate? Am I causing him to feel as if he can do nothing right? I don't know. He tells me one thing and acts the opposite.
Have you read Mars and Venus?
Quote: I finf myself making excuses constantly for his behaviour. He is having a tough time at work, he is tired, his head hurts, his back hurts, he is bored, he is busy, he is preoccupied, he is watching TV, he is reading...the list goes on and on. I do this the whole time we are in each other's presence because I cannot for the life of me figure out what has brought on the change. I know I have been harping on this but our R has CHANGED from what it was like Sept-Dec. My perception is it hasn't changed exactly for the better either
So...again...throwing out the two cents...if you stop judging (interpreting, ASSuming, analyzing) his behavior you won't have to make mental excuses for it....if you can really and truly do this, it will take some pressure off of both of you (tacit or not). I know it's hard to do but can you stop personalizing/analyzing what he is and isn't doing?
Quote: We DO have our good times...I don't want to take away from that. H does surprise me on occasion too...last week he totally freaked me out when he sent me an apology IM for his behaviour earlier in the day (he was stressing and I bore the brunt of it). He has been doing stuff around the house that have needed taken care of forever. This whole chicken thing is a big undertaking for him. I have made it a point to let him know that all of this is very appreciated and that he is doing a great job accomplishing these things.
AWESOME!!!
Quote: I act as if as much as I possibly can but on the inside I am CHAOS. I've got the fear again and it is building daily I see SO many red-flags and I'm beginning to feel boxed in. I worry that, like any cornered animal, I will fight back...in all the wrong ways. I try to maintain my focus on me and I do ok for the most part in that area...it is the emotional aspects that I am having the most problems with.
So...sounds like you need to figure out some concrete ways to shed these feelings before they do harm
What works for you? Exercise? meditation? journalling?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
We actually got 10 more (production reds and california whites) so that brings our total up to 41 
I got a typical response: 
, I can't help you, since I'm not there yet...darn it! Try to fill his love tank and see if he returns the favor!
