Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Hey B,

I don't no about the role reversal with the newbies and the veterans...I just know that I'm pretty darn frustrated.

I'm not sure if what gets said between h and I is exactly what one would call communication. As often as not It entails me doing all the talking and H just nodding his head or saying OK in all the appropriate places. I know this to be true because I have asked him to repeat what I just said and he will TELL me "I don't know, I wasn't listening" Yes, I have told him that this irritates me and I have been nice when I told him. I have used proper DB form

Of course, last night I was on the edge and ended up not being so nice. I did some of the WRONG things, things I know get me absolutely nowhere. I was confrontational as soon as he walked in the door. We had a rare bad IM interaction and I voiced my displeasure about it. Bad IM's are not typical of us...I normally make a concerted effort to avoid them. I do not IM H unless it is important, I wait for him to initiate IM convos and I don't try to keep them going just to fill air space. I guess last night just wasn't a good night for me.

H went straight to bed when he got off work last night. I sat in there with him. He looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I wanted to talk but I knew it wasn't a good time because he was tired and I knew he didn't like to talk then. We probably would have been ok if he had said something like "we'll talk tomorrow then' but instead he said "What is it? What is there to talk about? " I told him there was plenty to talk about, at least from my perspective. He asked me again "what?" and I took that as encouragement.

I asked him where his mind was. I asked him if he was so focused on the crap at work, the military and everything else that he had shuffled our R down the ladder or put it on the back burner. I aksed if he was becoming self-absorbed again. His answer to all of that was "No, not at all." I told him that I was perceiving things that way. I told him that I was confused by everything lately and was trying to understand what was going on.

I asked him what his take was on the R. He said he didn't have one. I said "you have no thoughts, ideas or feelings regarding how the R is going?" He said not really. I asked if he felt the R was going forward, backward or staying the same? He said "staying the same." I asked if he meant that in the context of the "good" R that we had begun reaching? He said "yes, I thought things were going great until you brought all this crap up."

I told him I was not UNHAPPY with the R, just confused by some of what was going on. He said that there was a LOT going on...work, the military, the chickens, the garden, the house, and all that stuff (remember what he said when I asked him all this a couple of paragraphs ago?) and he didn't understand why I was "wierding" out again. I told him that being confused was NOT the same as my wierding out...that I was only trying to understand better something that I didn't.

We went to sleep on that note.

I don't think he is pissed, he didn't seem like it this morning...I do know that he internalizes a lot though and works things over in his mind just like I do. It is a bad habit that we are both guilty of.

I wish someone would introduce me to "Bob"...I keep trying to trot him out but all I end up with is "Bob Barker" on a bad hair day

I don't know WHY I can't let this crap go. I know it is just "more of the same", it doesn't matter what angle I come at it from and H just trots out the same answers as always. I haven't figured out how to stop my behaviour though. Just "doing it" isn't working. Visual stop signs and rubber band thumping have no effect, I just shrug them off and keep bulldozing forward. My subconscience is fighting me every step of the way and it is like i am just too weary to wrestle much anymore.

I need a vacation...from MYSELF! Anyone figured out how to accomplish that one yet?

Thanx,
Zoo