ok, I haven't posted in awhile. I have been busy with mundane things and feeling completely out of sorts regarding my M/R so didn't really know what to say about it.

I think on my last journaling post I talked about the OW issues I had. I tried to talk to H about it the next day. I told him how I felt about what I was perceiving. It didn't go over well I got a typical response:

"I haven't spoken 10 words to OW in 10 days. You are NEVER going to let this go, you will hit me over the head with it 'til the day I keel over!"

I was mortified by his words. Up until that time I have only asked H about OW SPECIFICALLY maybe 3 times? Any other discussion about OW has only come out from his intiating conversation and I try to always be neutral about it rather then angry and confrontational.

With his statement I dropped the discussion. I knew trying to push it any farther would be useless pursuit behaviour (perceived as). I don't think I can go to this area of the sitch anymore...H truly doesn't give a damn about my feelings on this and won't help me with it. I guess I can only bury it as deep as possible and HOPE it doesn't become worse

I'm actually beginning to think that asking for "what I want" just isn't viable either. I sat down last week and told H straight out that my "love tank" wasn't being filled. I told him that he had previously said that I NEEDED to tell him things regarding this kind of thing because as a guy he just didn't always "get it" and I felt that he wasn't "getting it" right now. I told him what I needed (WOA mostly, he was doing pretty good with TOUCHING) he said ok...and that was it. He apparently wasn't listening because nothing came of the talk...if anything it had the opposite effect because the touching has tapered off as well.

I won't even go into the whole sex issue...that is turning into a fiasco into and of itself H says it isn't an issue, it is the last thing on his mind right now and he doesn't see any problem. I feel like I am adrift in a barren desert

Am I making H feel inadequate? Am I causing him to feel as if he can do nothing right? I don't know. He tells me one thing and acts the opposite.

I finf myself making excuses constantly for his behaviour. He is having a tough time at work, he is tired, his head hurts, his back hurts, he is bored, he is busy, he is preoccupied, he is watching TV, he is reading...the list goes on and on. I do this the whole time we are in each other's presence because I cannot for the life of me figure out what has brought on the change. I know I have been harping on this but our R has CHANGED from what it was like Sept-Dec. My perception is it hasn't changed exactly for the better either

We DO have our good times...I don't want to take away from that. H does surprise me on occasion too...last week he totally freaked me out when he sent me an apology IM for his behaviour earlier in the day (he was stressing and I bore the brunt of it). He has been doing stuff around the house that have needed taken care of forever. This whole chicken thing is a big undertaking for him. I have made it a point to let him know that all of this is very appreciated and that he is doing a great job accomplishing these things.

I have also voiced concerns I have though. I don't know if that is such a good thing to do or not but H is bad about following through sometimes and is a big procrastinator. I felt it was necessary to make sure this wouldn't be the case this time around as well. I told him that I was worried that he might start building up resentment because the projects he was starting were going to take up any "play money" we might have. I asked him if he was sure he felt "warm and fuzzy" about these undertakings (this is a term he uses when he REALLY doesn't want to do something). His response was "yes" and that there wasn't really anything he wanted or needed that would require "play money". He said we bought this place in order to become somewhat self-sustaining and for 3 years we haven't done anything. I concurred with that but said that I just wanted to make sure he was of the same frame of mind.

I act as if as much as I possibly can but on the inside I am CHAOS. I've got the fear again and it is building daily I see SO many red-flags and I'm beginning to feel boxed in. I worry that, like any cornered animal, I will fight back...in all the wrong ways. I try to maintain my focus on me and I do ok for the most part in that area...it is the emotional aspects that I am having the most problems with.

I guess i just continue to "WAIT and SEE".

Hugz,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi