Labug this is absolutely right: "we're only in limbo if we THINK we're in limbo" I believe I create my own reality with my thoughts. So when I think - we're going to get divorced then the actions I take and feelings I have align with that thought.
There is a Chinese Proverb that puts it quite simply: Watch your thoughts: they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
No example of this is clearer to me than my current situation. Last winter the negative belief/meaning that I attached to H’s moving out again was having a crippling emotional effect on me. As I grappled with the feelings surrounding the potential outcome that I really didn’t want, I acted as if it was truly going to happen. I even started talking about it. Looking back I see that I effectively manifested the circumstances that I continue to live today. However, the outcome that I was so fearful of has still not materialised. Just because he moved out again didn't mean we would get divorced. I believe this is because I changed my belief and thoughts about the his action, detached the D outcome from it and focused on my Self.
I am glad that through your advice and other's comments I am back focusing on me rather than what might happen.
Thanks, Tumbling, for this proverb. It's excellent. I was just about to write on another thread about being careful what to think. Not in the sense of censoring one's thoughts or suppressing bad feelings but about the potential power of thoughts to materialize - be it through telepathy, divine intervention or whatever. You proverb mirrors this thought.
Update I've just spoken to H! I did a mini 180! In previous cycles, I've txt/asked H if its ok to call & he gets to say yes/no. Earlier this evening, I txt 'I'm going to call at 10.15 to say good night instead of txtng. I wld have said it face to face if we'd gone to the restaurant anyway. Hope that's ok' There was no response. So 10.15, I called & HE ANSWERED! Really easy convo as if nothing had happened. He said he was sorry it had been so long I said I thought we both needed space & he said we're a right pair & then corrected himself that he was a right one & that there's nothing wrong w me. I said well I had to apologise for my storm of txts when he was away & he said i was just hurting & it was OK. He leaves tom & is back two wks Sun & he's going to try & txt when away. I said not to worry if he didn't have a signal. It was so nice to talk w him.
I feel this is different. I feel different. I feel detached. I feel calm. I feel amazing.
O thanks afa. I've never had someone say awesome to me before. I might take it for my A-Z of me!
however, if I'm not kept on my "amazing path" by all you great folks I will be in danger of falling in love/thinking I'm in a relationship w my husband when it's just txt msgs.
Tumbling, I am happy for you. Great job taking charge! My coach would say that if your H is being receptive, is okay to contact him once in a while. If you perceive resistance/discomfort, back away. If he seems to enjoy the calls/meetings, then keep them going. Also, if he ever says no to a meeting or call, it's important that you react in a positive way. He is watching your reaction when things don't go your way...
Love hearing from you through your thread! It helps to know other people feel the same way. I'm glad you had a positive interaction most recently. Let's hope it's a trend!
Tori, thanks for stopping by. I know you're busy. Yes - it was a positive result but I bet Labug will say I was trying to control the sitch by getting my fix and moving away from txtng. As much as I say I am not driving this, I did yesterday.
I understand what your coach would say and that was how it was in Mar-Jun but I DON'T WANT TO PLAY BY THOSE RULES UNLESS WE AGREE THAT WE ARE PIECING. Otherwise I will be DBing my a$$ off and then suddenly he will think it's ok to go to ground and the ride will be off and running.
I think he is in a sensible/rational state of mind having not seen me for 3 months. He may be in the right place to do things differently himself.
I want to take things slow/be close friends w no physical/R pressure and see where we end up, figure at some point we will agree on whether to reconcile or call it a day. Fix or Split.
The mixed message issue is that he might think we are reconciling now when I am "detached but interested".
He text on arriving at his destination tonight to let me know he's safe. Had a big drive - 450miles - for work, I hate it when he has to drive so far so had asked to for an update. I replied thanks for letting me know.
This is H/W stuff not "early relationship" stuff. I am not sure I am making much sense BUT I want this time to be different so that if we are going to call it a day, it happens before I'm sucked back in.
I also need help to not get attached to these texts and what they might mean as that happened in Aug and then he disappeared...
I guess I can't suddenly go dark now but I can choose to text only when I get one from him?
Journalling Going to try and write it another way. I like where I am right now. Like Busting wrote: - It would be an ADDITION to our inner happiness if the sitch worked in favor of R (if thats what we want), but it should not diminish our inner happiness if its not there. -
I am totally into me and I don't want this to change. To maximise the chances of remaining in my bliss: I will - stay centred on me not leave gaps in my w/e for "dates with H" not think texts mean anything have no expectations not talk about R/D accept him as he is be patient with my self and situation act as if H is a new man in my life that I will choose to keep or drop at some point lean back and not overfunction let him lead sit on the blanket (sometimes I pretend it's a magic carpet :-))
180s Respond don't react Don't get insecure if I don't hear from him No pressure/demands No driving (i think backleading is ok tho) Don't "manage/fix" his life or him
Anything else I need for my plan?
I just want to keep this PMA and see what happens.
Excellent, Tumbling! You should feel proud of yourself. Another good exercise is to write down possible GAL activities, and also to visualize your life in the future and how you want it to be...
