So, he has had several affairs while you were married? He pines for Wife#2 that left him?
What exactly is it you really want out of the relationship?
AJ
Interesting question and at this point I don't know that I have an answer. The courtship and beginning days of our marriage were heady. I know of course it would never return to that point but I guess it was enough to get me hooked deeply into the man I thought my H was. Now, after 20 years of marriage, the revelation of yet another P-A (found out thanks to the recent online EA - I thought there had been only 1 A) and the consideration of the ongoing emotional distance I suspect the man who courted me is long gone. Or never existed outside of my mind, hopes and dreams.
This is even a point my H has brought up. He says it proves he doesn't love me because he has never treated another W or gf the way he treats me. I partly think that is just a cop out because H doesn't want to think of himself as "that kind of person" and doesn't want to take ownership of his behavior. I rather think the person I have known for the last 18 or so years out of 20 IS the real H.
From reading other stories I know I am supposed to look for my own responsibility in this sitch and I can certainly see where I have enabled. I am a class one doormat. My father was probably bi-polar although this was never diagnosed. His behavior, not entirely different than H's, taught me to walk on egg shells and keep my mouth shut.
The pining for W#2 has been ebbing for the last several years. They have NO contact and until just a few years ago he also had NO contact with their son. He is now building a relationship with that son and seems to have let go of the mother quite a bit.
So I don't know what I want. On strong days (minutes?) I want nothing. Other times, I want whatever I can get. Staying together until the twins turn 18 in two years does make sense so I'm fairly sure I want that. But then?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
