Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Well you don't have to sell me on Retrouvaille. It's up to him to come around I guess. I'm just frustrated. On the surface, nothing seems to making any impact on his thinking, although we have made some slow progress. This state of limbo gets to me every now and then. I don't see how he can stand it.

I am making the changes I need to make. I am working on me. I am not patient and I am starved for love/affection. H knows this and I think he's using it against me a little.

One other thing he keeps saying is that he thinks my motivations are not sincere. I know the only way to fix this is with time and consistent changes. Hard to keep my motivation up when I'm being sh!t on constantly tho. You guys have all said my expectations are way too high so I guess I just need to remember that and focus on the crumbs that H throws me when it pleases him.

Anyone have any ideas for a good way to deal with this? The ML was helping wih that but now I'm afraid to go there with him. He's made it clear he does not want me coming on to him. Maybe if I'm patient enough he will approach me which gives me the opportunity to say no.

[scaredsilly]

You've been home one month. Need I say more?

[mamabird]

No. I'm just so dang impatient and insecure. Sometimes I wonder if being back in the house is making it worse.

It's weird because we'll walk around naked in front of each other like its no big deal but he won't eat dinner with us or give me a hug. I don't get it but I guess I should stop asking why and go about my life.

[Breakdown]

I am not patient and I am starved for love/affection. H knows this and I think he's using it against me a little.

Oh Regret....you need to detach, that much is clear. Your changes need to be for you, not for a reaction from H. He will notice them, but on his own time. I honestly think you have seen some progress. Yeah, it's slow, but it's going to be.

Remember me telling you it was at least 6 months before my W started believing my changes? Even so, I'm 18 months in and still on the edge. And most of those 18 months were pure hell. Remember it's a marathon!

Hang in there...do something for you today. Take your kids to a movie, have a pillow fight, make monster cup cakes, whatever helps you smile!

[scaredsilly]

"It's weird because we'll walk around naked in front of each other like its no big deal but he won't eat dinner with us or give me a hug."

LOL! they are crazy! that made me smile!

[mamabird]

Hit me if I start to whine again! I know, I gotta just be patient.

H is out of town tonight (I get the bed!). We had a pretty good 15 phone conversation about the boys, school, finances, upcoming school camping trip. Felt like a regular conversation.

I know this is not detached but I think he might feel a little guilty about being so hardnosed about all of this. Trying not to care but finding that pretty difficult.

[mamabird]

My H left his bag of medications (that he keeps hidden) out on the counter before he went on his trip, so I looked to see what was inside because I didn't know what it was.

Some I'm happy about (antidepressants - a very recent development, and a good one, as I think he really needs them), others I'm not so sure about. Of course he blames the need for these medications on me. It looks like he's got uppers to counteract the downers and vice versa. I don't think he's abusing based on the dates on the bottles, but at least one and probably two of these are not being used as they are supposed to be used. Also he keeps them all in a bag under the sink and not in the medicine cabinet which means to me that he wants to hide them.

For the record I didn't find anything that could send us to jail, and I've never noticed him acting funny, but I know I've got to keep an eye on this... his best friend is a psychiatrist, prescribing some, and the rest of it is being prescribed by a friend of the psychiatrist.

I did ask him about these medications a few months ago - maybe in March or April (pre-bomb). His answer to me was "You're just suspicious, because that's the kind of person you are. Sneaky and suspicious." Only recently did I get more of a real answer, but the fact that he answered me this way at the time was and is extremely troubling.

[25yearsmlc]

on the whole, it's good b/c he IS getting SOME treatment. And the doctor the shrink referred him to would be consulting with each other so unless that's a lie, they are in communication and know which meds he's taking.

BTW, the dates on the bottles how visible? You know they may not be accurate as it's common for abusers to get a refill and use the old date to hide their consumption amount. Trust me, it is easier to hide than you realize.

Wait for a month or two of those meds to be on board in him, before you decide they are not working, IF that's what happens.

[Breakdown]

Trying not to care but finding that pretty difficult.

I don't think it's about not caring. Of course you are going to care. Have you read the thread about how to lovingly detach? Check it out.

His answer to me was "You're just suspicious, because that's the kind of person you are. Sneaky and suspicious." Only recently did I get more of a real answer, but the fact that he answered me this way at the time was and is extremely troubling.

I think that goes directly to trust, so I'm not surprised by that at all. Rebuilding trust is very difficult and I'm only at the beginning stages of this myself. I "choose" to trust my W right now, but she's not doing a whole lot on the other side of the fence to try to build it. I don't think he's gonna choose to trust, at least not yet (though you'll discuss it in retrouv if you guys go), so what are you doing to rebuild it?

[mamabird]

All I can do at this point to rebuild trust w my H is to be honest with him. To me that means walk the walk... No contact w OMs for a start. Show that I am committed to reviving the M thru actions and not just words- tho this is hard because he rejects most everything I try. Also consistency in doing what I say I'm going to be doing. Limiting the going out, or when I do, tell him with who, where, how long.

I will try to get to that thread on detachment.