JKS - I am so sorry that you are going thru this... I am a little farther down the road in my situation, but it's still hard with H. I know exactly what you are feeling when you interact with your H. Plus it doesn't help that we have young kids and we have to see our Hs often.
In my case, at first I thought I was strong enough to do the friend thing with him. I was not at all. Anything he would share with me was like a dagger because like you, I just felt the pain of knowing that I was no longer sharing whatever he was talking about with him. Sometimes I could smile and say "cool" and then cry for hrs. after he left. Others, I know my resentment and pain came thru in front of him and many times it would trigger an argument or cold exchange.
I finally told him I couldn't be his friend and asked him to please make no reference of OW to me. I finally realized that he only wanted to feel better by normalizing our R and being "friends." But friends do not treat people like our Hs have and quite frankly, right now we are not in their radar. They don't care about us and that is not being a friend.
It was hard (and counter-intuitive) to go dim on him at first, but it was so helpful for my own healing and for actually starting to detach. I am not completely there, but I realize now that I am always more calm and happy when I don't have to see him or talk to him. There is less drama in my life and I am becoming stronger every day, which in turn allows me to act differently when he is around.
I am still grieving the loss of my best friend, but I know now that I would have not been able to heal at all without letting him go.
As for what our future R will look like, I do hope we can co-parent effectively, but I also realize it will be hard to get beyond that... Right now I still cannot see myself being friends while OW is in the picture. But time will tell.
Please - take care of yourself and protect yourself from more pain. Remember - put the oxygen mask on first before attempting to put it on others. Do it for yourself and your amazing kids. You all deserve it!!!
(((((jks)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
