Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

Sh!t, far from it Hell, I have no problem owning up to my fare share. Most people want to do all the finger pointing and that’s were a lot of people get into trouble. I will not deny my share of the breakdown in our marriage.

I was very needy, heavy duty pursuer, clingy, poor communicator, lacked self confidence and was very fiscally irresponsible. W comes from a family were her father covered everything, the sole bread winner and put all the kids through college. MIL had a tough job too because being a mother of 4 kids is no easy task.

The point I am making is that my W feels the husband should be the main provider, make sure things are taken care of, bills paid, savings intact, etc…I understand, I get that. It’s a bit frustrating because I might have been out of work a week or two over the last 15 years, it’s not like I am this lazy bum just sitting on my ass! According to W, the financial mess was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

At the end of the day, this describes the improvements I need to make for ME, regardless of the outcome.

[roughenough]

It kind of goes back to your caveman story.

[25yearsmlc]

well I'm glad you recall the caveman theory - I am.

But I'm not getting WHY you made comment I've mentioned 3- 4 times now AND OR

what it is you specifically that you are changing?. You are doing what - to prove financial acumen now?

Are you saving or budgeting together? Investing?

What is it that you can do that will enable her to feel financially secure? (You're allowed to ask her btw).

OTOH beware of women who want their h's to earn more for the wrong reasons.

Do you think the real "her" is in there somewhere? IF SO, why? IF NOT, why?

[roughenough]

I could use some help. I have a new development and it’s sent chills down my spine! As many of you know, W and I have been playing “distancer chicken” for a long time now. Everything’s been very business-like. Strictly about the kids, logistics and finances. W doesn't really know what’s been going on in my life other than what she hears from our kids. For the most part, I’ve remained a mystery. Here’s the message I just received from W. Please keep in mind that her tone of voice was slightly angry and bitter.

W: “Hey, it’s me. I think we need to sit down and talk. We don’t talk at all and it’s time. I don’t know if you want to try and make a time to sit down and meet sometime next week or I am actually open to calling our councilor to meet with him next week. I think it’s time to talk about several things so let me know, bye”.

I am EXTREMELY uptight and I don’t know how to respond. During our first month of separation W and had a couple joint counseling sessions, he’s a neutral councilor that W and I both like. We’ve never met with him to work on our marriage. It was basically a comfortable place for us to work out some logistics, discuss finances and he gave us ideas on how to explain everything to our kids. I feel W and I can control our emotions better when we meet with the councilor versus W and I just sitting down together. I don’t know WTF to do and I really appreciate any suggestions.

[Arsene]

Hey Rough,

I take it you think this is going to be the D talk, right? Well, I hate to tell you this but there is no way to avoid it if that is what it is. Just figure out the best time for you and let her know. Keep your cool. Whether it's to talk about divorce or whatever else (it could be about money and how you haven't gotten a bonus yet), nothing's going to happen next week and you still have time.

I'd say that if you fear it's the D talk, try to get as much info as possible about the laws in your part of the country. Figure out what your options are and how you can stall it, if you think you might want to do that (I'm not suggesting you do btw).

Bottom line, it wouldn't be the first time a WAS talks about filing for D and frankly, no matter how much they talk about it, not all of them actually go through it.

When I got my talk, I started by telling her I didn't want a divorce and said something along the lines of the "Denver Reply", which i copied below:


"I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."

In the end, when she insisted that we would never get back together, I simply told her I'd think about it and left it at that. She never actually came back to me about it other than in passing, offering it to "help me cope with this more easily".

And then, there is the other possibility, that she might actually go through with it. So what? First of all, it takes time and anything can happen in the meantime. It wouldn't be the first time someone file for divorce and just doesn't follow through til the end. And if she did? Well there's always the road that MrsD is taking right now if it's the way you feel about it.

Bottom line, mate. You are now thinking about the worst case scenario and it might not be that at all. Let it be, get ready for the worst and just relax knowing that there is not much else you can do. If it's what she wants, she'll get it in the end an then you'll have a reason to worry.

Don't take me wrong, as I'm writing these words, I can feel for you mate and I know how I'd be if I was in your shoes right now. Just be strong and stick with it mate.

[unbidden]

Also, remember that worrying about it will likely be worse than the actual talk itself. Try not to make it such a big deal in your mind. You will survive regardless of what is said at the talk and you will also have a great life regardless. (((()))))

[roughenough]

Hey Arsene- What you’re saying makes a lot of sense, I really appreciate it. After reading your post I've realized how much you have grown since we’ve started all this bs, your progress is amazing buddy! I also can’t forget to give myself a pat on the back as well.

Here’s my plan moving forward, I am going to let W set up a time for us to meet with the councilor, I will do just fine. I will surely be prepared with the verbiage Arsene just provided. I want to get myself mentally prepared for the conversation. There’s a couple topics that I want to be prepared for. I also really like the response Denver gave me a couple weeks ago if for some reason infidelity comes up.

“I am married and I am behaving as such”

Quite frankly, I am not sure how to respond if she asks me how I feel about her infidelity.

[Accuray]

Follow your instinct and meet with the councilor present. You need someone to keep emotions down. I also suggest you make some rules before you start talking. Examples might be:

1) Let's agree on what we'll discuss up-front and stick to that list.

2) It gets hard for us to communicate if we get emotional. Let's agree that if either of us are getting emotional, we will table the topic and come back to it when both of us are ready, but within 24 hours at most.

3) Let's agree to be honest with each other versus trying to protect each other from the truth, but let's not divulge anything just to be hurtful.

4) Let's agree to use respectful language -- we're both here because we want things to be better between us.

Start it off right. If you see the discussion turning into an argument or following familiar patterns, you can step back and comment on the pattern instead of the topic. i.e. "We're doing that thing again where you [X] and I [Y] and our communication breaks down, how can we break that pattern?"

I agree with everyone else -- no point in trying to avoid or postpone.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Good to hear from you Acc, you’ve been there for me since day one. I just left W a message to schedule the appointment. This is great advice Accuray, I will be implementing it. I am USUALLY pretty good at keeping cool and staying level headed. Who knows, maybe it can come across as being too passive but I am not a fighter, I don’t yell, lose my cool or care for conflict much. I’ve become a bit hardened as well so I just need to validate, act caring and keep my cool.

I will have NO expectations. I actually am going into it expecting her to say that she wants a divorce. Chances are, that’s what going to happen. If not, that good, I will role with things.

[roughenough]

I've heard a lot about No More Mr Nice Guy. I think that will be my next read.