By all means I am not done either. I share your confidence in that I am a great catch as well. What I am saying is that in my sitch she believes that a d will make her happy. I feel if I try to stall it will be the same as persuing(sp). If it takes a d for her to find that out so be it. I am not quite detached enough for a new relationship yet anyway. This may help me. I think complete detachment is necessary before I can objectively think about taking her back.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Hey guys, make a little space in that foxhole for me. I want to be on the winning team and you guys sound like winners to me.
Good stuff up there guys. Very inspiring. I love it!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I concur.---Sh!t, look at Mrs D, she’s fighting for her marriage and she’s divorced, there's ALWAYS HOPE. Good for her!
fwiw, my sep (not "our problems", but an actual geographic SEP of 3000 miles) was 2 years...and we r together AND I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried their former spouses. So It happens.
While apart, they each grew and evolved and their 2nd m's were better, btw.
Each sitch is different and yes, for some it's just a piece of paper, I get that alright.
Personally speaking, I am fighting for my marriage right NOW. W might not know it but I am putting all my blood, sweat and tears into it. I gotta great heart and I know I am a good catch.
I can’t predict the future but if I get divorced, chances are good that I am done! I have to consistently remind myself that I am not in a rush right now. My reasoning is that if we get divorced I don’t feel I will be a “free agent” for long.
can you explain ^^^this?
Esp the last line about not being a "free agent" for long. Do you feel the need to be partnered quickly?
If so, why? Dig deep b/c co-dependence does not bring out the best in us.
My fil is on his 4th m. I can honestly say he's happier now, and HE SAYS he is, but it took decades of lousy marriages and divorces that were mostly his fault. He met his present wife 20 years ago at the age of 61. Not til then, did he learn to treat a woman well enough.
Til he humbled himself and really dug deep, he did not change. THEN he met the love of his life, a widow who had lost a h she dearly loved after 37 years of marriage. HE stepped up to the plate, finally.
She is very good for my FIL b/c she's calm and NOT wacky or snarky or angry.
She has taught him a lot about love (she is like an iron fist in a velvet glove b/c he needs a woman who will stand up to him but not in a mean way, just firm)
Do you want to be 61 before you get it right? God I wouldn't.
anyhow, learn what you can and don't rush into any new R fast. It'll be a spiral downward if the next r fails too
and it has a higher chance of that, statistically. Why do you think 80% of 2nd marriages end in divorce?
IMO it's b/c the first divorce was fled by the aggrieved party, instead of processed and examined AND justified by the departing party, instead of processed and evaluated fairly. Both parties were in pain and GOT AWAY and then they hook up again only to "find" that happiness eludes them still.
They still don't get that they are in charge of THEIR lives and only theirs...
If nothing else comes of this "ORDEAL" then at least let some growth and peace come...THEN date.
But I'd be a free agent a LONG time before I risked my heart again....and who wants a r in which we don't risk our hearts?
So walling ourselves off is no solution. But evolving into the best people WE can become
is a good idea no matter what.
It also happens to show change on our end and that is the single biggest thing we can do to reconcile, --- change US.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25!, it’s been a while. Thank you for chiming in. Your wisdom, suggestions and thought provoking comments are much appreciated. IMO your FIL example is extreme however it clearly paints a picture of someone who didn’t make the necessary improvements and also probably made poor choices along the way. I could never understand how someone could be married that many times, just don’t get it.
Personally, I don’t feel there a “timeline guideline.” To be honest, I think tackling this subject is putting the cart before the horse, at the same time it’s a topic I need to keep a pulse on. There’s kids involved in my sitch and there’s no way in hell I am going to just jump in, head first, waving my hands in the air “let’s get married!.”
Anyway 25, for the most part I am in agreement with you, what your talking about makes sense. I like your wisdom, I feel it should also be directed towards my friends that want me to “move on” or “start dating.” Nope, there’s a time and place for that, just not right now.
I see my new IC today. It should be interesting because I haven’t seen a IC for quite some time and I hope she’s a good match. The last one just wasn’t a fit. The dude wanted to start doing breathing exercises with me and then he wanted me to sense my muscles contracting, the whole upper/lower diaphragm and mind/body connection. He made sure to record the session with a cassette tape. Are you kidding me, who has a cassette player anymore! He gave me the cassette and suggested that I listen to the session on my own time, F that! I am all for reading but listening to an IC session over again? what a joke! Don’t get me wrong, I am all for “calmness” and “relaxing.” But this diaphragm breathing technique thing just isn't for me. Sh!t, I think I've learned how to breathe by now. I am sure that kind of stuff is good for some people but it’s just not my cup of tea.
Hi 25!, it’s been a while. Thank you for chiming in. Your wisdom, suggestions and thought provoking comments are much appreciated. IMO your FIL example is extreme however it clearly paints a picture of someone who didn’t make the necessary improvements and also probably made poor choices along the way. I could never understand how someone could be married that many times, just don’t get it. My point was that my FIL did not learn from or truly process his first divorce, but he quickly entered a 2nd marriage, which also failed, after 11 years.
He learned nothing from that either, except to "choose a different w"....and Only after his short lived 3rd m ended, did he TRULY look inward and make significant changes in HIM.
I asked you to explain what you meant by saying you'd NOT be a "free agent for long" . That seems to suggest you'd like to re-enter a marital r soon if things don't work out with your w.
You avoided answering that question or explaining it. Or so It seems to me.
Personally, I don’t feel there a “timeline guideline.” To be honest, I think tackling this subject is putting the cart before the horse, at the same time it’s a topic I need to keep a pulse on. There’s kids involved in my sitch and there’s no way in hell I am going to just jump in, head first, waving my hands in the air “let’s get married!.” So what did you mean when you said the "not a free agent for long" sentence?
Anyway 25, for the most part I am in agreement with you, what your talking about makes sense. I like your wisdom, I feel it should also be directed towards my friends that want me to “move on” or “start dating.” Nope, there’s a time and place for that, just not right now. so, to be clear, if there is no reconciliation, you will NOT begin dating soon?? Is that a retraction of the "won't be a free agent for long" line?
I see my new IC today. It should be interesting because I haven’t seen a IC for quite some time and I hope she’s a good match. The last one just wasn’t a fit.
The dude wanted to start doing breathing exercises with me and then he wanted me to sense my muscles contracting, the whole upper/lower diaphragm and mind/body connection. He made sure to record the session with a cassette tape.
If there's not a good fit, you'll probably know after 1-2 sessions, imo.
But for US to know, are you a tense person or someone with an anger issue or do you get nervous? Was there an explanation for the "dude's" approach w/you?
Are you kidding me, who has a cassette player anymore!
Um, it's Kind of hard to make a CD for you right there, isn't it?
I DO see value in taping sessions in case there are questions you avoided answering, or need time to process - but might forget...or deny or block.
One reason IC is so slow is b/c when you make a breakthrough, you often have to start over the next week and it's hard to recall what helped you get where you were...SO, I can see taping the sessions to assist with that.
I film my classes and trials when I'm speaking, b/c it's easier than taping it in terms of my own personal equipment. There are several lawyers who tape their trials and then listen to them. Same goes for depositions.
It's Just way easier to recall exactly what was said or asked. So, Not to quibble w/your concerns about the prior IC, but I guess my profession is a bit old fashioned that way. We do tape and film so we won't have to rely solely on our memory. MAYBE that's why your IC wanted you to do that. DID YOU ASK HIM WHY? If not, why not?
He gave me the cassette and suggested that I listen to the session on my own time, F that! Do you see, now, that maybe he simply wanted you to recall, accurately, what was said or asked?
For some reason it bugged you and I don't get that. If there's not a good fit, that's fine. But taping it and asking you to listen to it does not seem that odd to me. if it's all about the breathing my guess is he follows a specific philisophical approach to therapy (Bio feedback maybe)
and you can ask next time to avoid that.
What is striking to me at the moment is how strong your reaction was to him and dismissive, as if you cannot imagine any reason and the comment about the cassette player, I can't tell if you are kidding or what. But you did not answer my questions so that is also of note.
I am all for reading but listening to an IC session over again? what a joke! Don’t get me wrong, I am all for “calmness” and “relaxing.” But this diaphragm breathing technique thing just isn't for me. Sh!t, I think I've learned how to breathe by now. I am sure that kind of stuff is good for some people but it’s just not my cup of tea.
RE: I seriously doubt that you listening to the tape of your talk with him, is about the breathing. I believe It's about what was said/asked.
If it IS about the breathing, then no matter. You'll get a new t.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey 25! I wouldn't be a free agent for long if I got into a committed relationship. Yes, that could easily happen for me but I haven’t put much thought into it. I would probably start dating if I got divorced but that's not my focus right now.
The point your trying to make is there's no rush, it's a time to heel, not make the same mistakes all over again and to understand who you are and what you want? Allow more time to go by after divorce before getting into a relationship, right? I believe your saying that most people can’t make improvements and they will be in the same boat all over again.
Who’s to say it’s a bad idea to be in a relationship after a divorce? Does this mean everyone is considered to have co-dependency issues if they don’t live there life solo for a set period of time? I am not trying to be a d!ck, just trying to understand your logic, thanks.
Hey 25! I wouldn't be a free agent for long if I got into a committed relationship. Yes, that could easily happen for me but I haven’t put much thought into it. I would probably start dating if I got divorced but that's not my focus right now. I was merely quoting YOU when you said your "reasoning" was that you "would not be a free agent for long" if there was a divorce. Period. Just asking what that meant.
The point your trying to make is there's no rush, it's a time to heel, not make the same mistakes all over again and to understand who you are and what you want? Allow more time to go by after divorce before getting into a relationship, right? correct^^^
I believe your saying that most people can’t make improvements and they will be in the same boat all over again.
NO I am not saying that^^. I am saying most people who rush into a new R, have 1) not done the personal work that enables them to have assessed THEIR role in the demise of their m
AND 2) made the necessary changes in how they behave,
to have a successful r. That's why the divorce rate for 2nd m's is so high, imo. It's 80%.
That's more than half again what the divorce rate is for first m's and that's high enough as it is, don't you think?
Who’s to say it’s a bad idea to be in a relationship after a divorce?
no one said that.
Does this mean everyone is considered to have co-dependency issues if they don’t live there life solo for a set period of time? I am not trying to be a d!ck, just trying to understand your logic, thanks.
You're arguing points not in debate.
Is this clearer to you now? All I wanted to know was why YOU said you'd want to "not be a free agent for long" b/c that sounds rushed for someone who is supposedly working to save their m, at this time...
So yes that sounds lonely and needy and NOT as if you are looking inward.
B/C if you were, you'd be saying something like either
1) "wow, I am so hurt. I need time to process what the hell happened and if I played a role in it somehow. IF I did not do anything wrong, truly then I really have to wonder about my choices in women...and what I'll look for next time" AND OR
2) "Wow, I played a role in my divorce. What do I wish I could change? How will I be different in the next r? Who do I want to become?
How can I help myself to heal in the time it takes for me to make those changes?" I don't get that type of thought process from you.
I get that you want her to hurry up, & you want to "just fix it all"--
or end it b/c you'd like to be with someone else then...anyone else...just someone...
tell me, what am I missing?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
