No it doesn't make a difference. I was just wondering what his level of commitment was to your relationship and what you will be stuck with if he leaves.
So now the option that you have is to build yourself up from within and be the confident, strong woman you are.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well right now there's no commitment at all but that's a given I guess. We were married in every sense of the word, except for that piece of paper. I don't think I would say this "outloud" because everyone is telling me to move on and forget about him especially due to his actions and behaviour over the past 5 weeks but we went through hell and back with our infertility and adoption. I would like to think we can work through this as well. But he seems so "blinded" by OW. Is that common behaviour?
Just wondering if anyone had anymore advice for me? H is gone away, there's been mild chit chat, a friend passed away. He's going to miss the service since he away. Spoke to my therapist and she agreed that I should ask him to move out. His mom said he hasn't talked to her in like 3 weeks either. I'm really scared but more scared of him staying and me and my daughter living in a constant anxious state. Loved to hear some words of wisdome. Hugs to all.
I don't think I'm detaching enough. I have to control my impulses to contact him or interact with him. Its hard to detach emotionally. How do I do that? I'm trying to stay in my room when he is home, not send texts but have "slipped up". I need to think before acting. Is there a way to detach emotionally? I have to keep reading that link you sent me every day. Still waiting on my book I am still not 100 percent sure I should ask him to move out. Its very scary. I think its for the best but thinking about it scares me. I don't want to push him further away. But then on here I read that is the best thing to do.
FMH, Sorry for the delay in my response. Working on detachment for yourself and your D will be a great personal boundary to establish, to protect yourself. Everything at first is difficult, but as you use TIME wisely to improve yourself it will become easier. Not a walk in the park per se, bu t better than the walking on egg shell feeling. Trying 180s can also be personal boundaries for yourself too. DB is about You!
Trying to set up boundaries with your H will be more difficult, as he probably doesn't care so much about what you have to say, at least not yet. If I read correctly, you've been there. Use that to your advantage. An insider's POV of what does and doesn't work. .
TIME and Counterintuitive ACTIONS will become your bestfriend throughout this process; and we offer support and guidance as needed.
Thanks. I also have an article on 180s as well. I think the best way to detach is to ask him to leave, its the only way I can take back control of my life which is the ultimate detachment in my opinion. But being the once WAS, I worry to him it'll just be more of the same behaviour and push him closer to OW. I'm sorry for some of my questions but can you explain "counterintuitive actions"? He's never responded to anything I've said to him about "us" not that I have recently. Sometimes it feels like mixed messages, like when after my daughter goes to bed, I've been retreating to "my" bedroom (so this is a DB tactic correct?) But yet he will come in and say goodnight. Or he will ask me where I was when I was out. But then I think I'm just reading too much into it. Time will tell I guess. I am going to ask him to leave on Monday after thanksgiving.
I do see merit in you being able to detach if he's not there. I've told my W on several OM related occassions that she needs to leave, as I am not agreeable to an open M. I at least stated and will reinforce that boundary the best that I can (eg no OM at our house). Boundaries dont have to be ultimatums.
Counterintuitive = Doing the opposite of what would seemingly be rational. For example, begging and pleading to work on the M with H actually pushes him away from you. Do the opposite, allow him to have the space to be with OW, as your H will have to realize it is wrong and won't work. He will have to accept the consequences of the unfortunate reality he has created. As much as it hurts me / my ego, my W has began to see / experience some of the negative outcomes of her R with OM as it has been allowed to happen. As I type this I know it sounds weird if not enabling, but you will read many posts of how doing the opposite works. Look at you going to your bedroom, and your H checking in on you. As you pull back, he will come closer. It's starting to work some. Feel free to ask as much as you want. I have and still do. I'll answer what I can, and the Vets will chime in for sure. Best of luck FMH!
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