Hi all. I'm in denial that my marriage is over, it's like I don't see any hope but I can't believe it. And it's been 2 months since H told me he wanted to end this, said he didn't love me anymore and he cheated. And I cried, begged, promised to change. I didn't do a good job. Then I bought DR book, read it once. H is staying in a different city now, possibly still seeing another person. We saw each other twice after he moved out, once he came over, once I went there. The beginning of each meeting was nice but i ended up saying a few things I wasn't supposed to say according to the book. He lied to me so much now I feel like. He said he was going to end the affair, said he was going to come back, but right after he said that, he deleted me from his facebook. And now, we are not contacting each other at all. I don't see how I could turn things around, and I feel lost. I have dreams about him so often now I feel so sad when I wake up. We are married for 5 years, dated 2 years. I feel like I pushed him so far away that I don't know if anything else would save our marriage. And I feel like such a bad wife. I'm only 25, sometimes I feel like maybe he's right, we married too young, but I did love him and he did love me....
I hope I could get some advices from here...you are all so strong in this saving marriage thing, this is really so hard.
Sorry you are here and welcome to the board. You will be in moderation for a bit so post ofetn and don't lose hope yet. At the top of the newcomers thread there are 37 rules for you to read. Homework for you 1-read other's thread and post often 2- read the 37 rules and follow them 3- GAL ( get a life) this means do fun things, new things, exciting things.
Some questions> do you have children, how old is he, any drugs or alcohol?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
Thank you for replying!! I read the 37 rules once.....I think I'm rushing things too much, and I didn't expect this to be this hard....given that how much I thought we loved each other....Now, him acting all distant and everything, it's hard to think that there's hope.
But...I'll do the homework!! Thanks for the support!
For the question, no we don't have any children, and he is 28. He used to dislike alcohol, he even said that himself, but the past 2 years, he's been drinking more, and I'd say very often comparing to before. I don't think he does drugs.
Before I heard the word "Let go", I thought it was just ...like that, but now I realized it is really one of the hardest things to do. Thanks again for your help!!!
I feel for you. You are not alone. I am going through a very similar sitch with my H. I just posted in the newcomers section and am waiting for it to be approved. I did a lot of reading thru these forums and there is so much love and good advice. Hang in there. My H has been gone for 3 months now and is actively having an A with OW. We've been together 13 years and got married last Oct.Oh, how I know about those nightmares. Sometimes I even felt scared to go to sleep because they were so bad and I would wake up with such horrible anxiety. But with the help of friends and family I finally started working out and updating my looks and getting my confidence back. Sometimes I think about the OW too much and it takes it toll. I'm DOING MY BEST to stop doing that, it's hard when those thoughts just creep in. Never lose HOPE and never allow someone to rob you of it. I believe in my heart that my H will be back someday, until then I am taking this time for myself because that's all can do at this point. FAITH LOVE AND HOPE---YOUR NOT ALONE AND WE WILL GET THRU THIS!! (((()))) AF30
Hi all. I'm in denial that my marriage is over, it's like I don't see any hope but I can't believe it.
There is always hope. There are a lot of success stories on these forums that were preceded by some very dark times. It's not easy and it takes a lot of time and there are no guarantees of reconciliation, but you're very early in the process and there's no reason to give up hope at this point.
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And it's been 2 months since H told me he wanted to end this, said he didn't love me anymore and he cheated. And I cried, begged, promised to change. I didn't do a good job.
That's OK. Nearly every one of us did the same crying/ begging/ pleading before discovering DB. Just focus on the future. Develop your list of 180s and stick with them. Work on yourself. Make yourself more attractive and appealing. Get a life. Work on a positive mental attitude. It's very difficult at first, but stick with it and it gets easier. It's tougher for your H to see your changes when you're apart like that, but stick with it. If you see him now and then he'll notice the difference.
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I feel like I pushed him so far away that I don't know if anything else would save our marriage. And I feel like such a bad wife.
You might want to read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough too. It was very helpful for me early on because like you, I blamed myself for everything that was wrong. That book helped me to realize that while I contributed to the marital problems, I was the one trying to save the M and my W was the one that totally gave up without putting any effort into it at all. I was the victim, and you are too. Reading that book helped put me on the path to healing.
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I hope I could get some advices from here...you are all so strong in this saving marriage thing, this is really so hard.
I think we all are pretty weak when we find ourselves signing up here. This place isn't just about healing marriages, it's about healing individuals. The purpose of DB'ing is to heal the individual and build them into a stronger, more confident, more attractive person. Hopefully that'll attract the wayward spouse back, but even if it doesn't the person is better equipped to move on in life without them.
Thank you so much AnotherStander, I'm so glad I have got support here so quickly and your kind words and advices are so appreciated. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law but she doesn't understand what is going on. And she influenced me somehow and I didn't like the outcome. Now I decided I'm not going to talk to her about it until maybe things got clearer. I need to make up my mind I guess. And I don't have my family here or my close friends right now, so, again, thank you so much for your support!!!
At this moment, it's really hard for me to have hope ( Just like my title of this post I guess..) but I'll work on improving myself. And I feel so much better to read your reply. Before this my only support are my parents....
Sometimes, it's hard for me to believe that he would care about how I look. He told me he felt like I just didn't care about him at all. But now, it's not easy for me to show him that I do care, and I met him twice since the D talk. I cried the first time and got sad the 2nd time for his distant behavior, so, I don't think I'm really capable of doing what i want to show him at the moment (it saddens me)...... But again, I'll work on being attractive, I did gain 20 lbs and turned into a not so positive person.
I'll look for that book, thanks for the recommendation!! Reading these books are scary but the same time very helpful. I say scary cuz it saddens me to see how everything happened between us fell into exactly what the author knew and tried to let people know long time ago..
