"I really do think they pick up on the vibe in the air or like animals. They know us too well and it makes them tense when we are as well. When we are relaxed, it rubs off on them too."
Wow. I believe the spouse, even though they have distanced themselves, do feel our emotions even when we try to remain distant and neutral, they can feel the tension, sadness, anger. I know for me and I suspect for everyone, it is IMPERATIVE to "act as if."
Well, you all make very valid points and I thank you for them I'll try to address the various one later but right now I need to get something down before i totally forget it.
H had drill this weekend so I pretty much spent a great deal of it alone (he slept both nights when he got home lol)
Me spending TOO much time alone is seldom a good thing...the old brain gears start whirring and i go into hyper-analytical mode, this benefits some folks but rarely my own sitch
I kept taking tentative runs at H with my analysis, TG he was too tired to really pay attention to me or I could have a mess on my hands right now.
Interesting things happened last night when he woke up though.
We were sitting on the couch and H suddenly grabs me and says " Ya know, ILY more than anything hon and I'm sorry for being mean and pissy." I said thank you and then I told him "I try to tell myself that it usually isn't me that you are pissed at but something else" and he said that was right. I also said " sometimes though I can't help but feel that it IS me that you are upset with and then I don't know what to do". H said he realized that and apologized again.
later on we were laying in bed watching a DVD and a scene came up concerning unconditional love. H looks at me and says "You know, we are like that." I asked him what he meant. He said " well, you and I dated all that time and I went and married someone else. Then we got back to gether and all that other crap happened. You still loved me through all of it though. I've never had that type of unconditional love before, except from my parents maybe." I told him that he was the only man I had ever felt that way about myself.
Now this is the part where things COULD have gone wrong but they didn't. I asked H if being loved like that made him uncomfortable or uneasy. He said not at all, that he appreciated it and it made him feel really good. I asked him if he felt that he loved me unconditionally as well. He said " Yes I do, although I think I could probably do better. I know I get moody and all that and it is hard to tell at those times but I do love you in the same way."
I told him that we were just like other folks in regard to his moods...you tend to take things out on the one closest to you. He saidd that was true, but it still wasn't fair to me when it happened. I laughed and told him he was right, particularly since it was rather difficult for me to just get away when he was like that. He laughed at that and we settled in and snuggled the rest of the night.
I really appreciated H for telling me these things. I know it isn't easy for him to talk about emotional issues and I have been kinda pushing lately in regard to this. Not a constant onslaught but I have been directing my questions specifically toward his "emotional feelings" vs his "thoughts". Not necessarily the wisest thing for me to do but you can't hang in limbo for the next 40 years either
hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I have a problem. This is something that is within me and it seems to be gathering force rather then diminishing with time as I had hoped it would. No amount of self-talk and resolve is helping and the damn thing is eating at me constantly.
It is the OW issue.
I have a lot of unresolved anger about this part of the sitch. I have never expressed that anger openly to H, feeling that it was better to just internalize it and let time and my own logic deal with it. Unfortunatley my logic keeps telling me I need to do something about it and time has allowed it to simmer till it is close to the boiling point. Little episodes like to day are going to cause the pot to boil over.
H is wants to go into the active guard. This means giving up his job he has now. I personally feel this is probably the best choice for him because I know the military is part of what defines who he is to himself. He is unhappy in his civilian job and a change to another civilian job wouldn't help any.
I asked him today if he had discussed his intentions with his superiors. He said that he had discussed it with the plant supervisor and the "others". That "others" made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I asked him what "other" superiors he had talked to. H said none, he talked it over with X,Y,Z and OW.
That pissed me off. I said "I wish you wouldn't talk to OW about your personal life". He said "F her". I told him that wasn't the point and he siad why. I told him "I don't like it, she has no business being included in anything outside of work". He made no further comment and left for work.
He uses words like "they, others, someone, folks, them etc" whenever he has been talking to OW. He has been using those words frequently of late. The context is usally about something personal or something seperate from work.
H has told me that his only interaction with OW is in regard to work. He has told me this voluntarily and when I have asked him. This was verified by my dad who works with H.
Pops has been off work for about 3 weeks now because of an injury. This is when the frequency of the words I mentioned above started to increase. H has also become somewhat vague in regards to what he is doing at work where before he volunteered the info freely. His IM habits have changed as well...he complained about my not having IM on and talking to him. I started leaving it on and he started disappearing for long stretches of time where before he was almost always in his office? If he left he would say where he was going or who he was talking to. Giving me specifics without my having to ask. Now it is "stuff" and he was talking to "someone".
Yes, I know...STINKIN THINKIN.
H and I have discussed the impossibility of his being "friends" with OW and it is something he has agreed about. We have discussed the importance of being honest and not avoiding things. We have talked about all this crap and yet I fear that it was all just empty placation...whatever it takes to get me to shut up.
I don't know what to do about this. I can make the assumption that I am correct in my thinking and live with it and continue to let it just eat away at me without saying anything. I can continue to fight with myself about it and offer myself one pisspoor excuse after another to keep hiding from it or I can try to talk to H about it, in all probablility probably causing an arguement if I don't approach it the right way.
I dont' want to make the assumption...I HATE doing that and I have been doing my best to avoid latching on to this particular one but it is getting harder. I don't know if I am up for a confrontation either...I don't know if I can follow it through or end up getting side-tracked.
DB says if you ask the question "will this bring me closer to what I want or push me farthe away" and your answer is neutral then the best thing to do is nothing. This is what I have been doing though and it is making me miserable. DB also says to "ask for what you want" but that just might make me miserable too.
This is something I need input on becuase I have myself in such a tangle that I don't know which way is up.
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I'll try to address the various one later but right now I need to get something down before i totally forget it.
I said thank you and then I told him "I try to tell myself that it usually isn't me that you are pissed at but something else" and he said that was right. I also said " sometimes though I can't help but feel that it IS me that you are upset with and then I don't know what to do". H said he realized that and apologized again. 
