Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25!, it’s been a while. Thank you for chiming in. Your wisdom, suggestions and thought provoking comments are much appreciated. IMO your FIL example is extreme however it clearly paints a picture of someone who didn’t make the necessary improvements and also probably made poor choices along the way. I could never understand how someone could be married that many times, just don’t get it.

My point was that my FIL did not learn from or truly process his first divorce, but he quickly entered a 2nd marriage, which also failed, after 11 years.

He learned nothing from that either, except to "choose a different w"....and Only after his short lived 3rd m ended, did he TRULY look inward and make significant changes in HIM.

I asked you to explain what you meant by saying you'd NOT be a "free agent for long" . That seems to suggest you'd like to re-enter a marital r soon if things don't work out with your w.

You avoided answering that question or explaining it. Or so It seems to me.


Personally, I don’t feel there a “timeline guideline.” To be honest, I think tackling this subject is putting the cart before the horse, at the same time it’s a topic I need to keep a pulse on. There’s kids involved in my sitch and there’s no way in hell I am going to just jump in, head first, waving my hands in the air “let’s get married!.”

So what did you mean when you said the "not a free agent for long" sentence?


Anyway 25, for the most part I am in agreement with you, what your talking about makes sense. I like your wisdom, I feel it should also be directed towards my friends that want me to “move on” or “start dating.” Nope, there’s a time and place for that, just not right now.

so, to be clear, if there is no reconciliation, you will NOT begin dating soon??
Is that a retraction of the "won't be a free agent for long" line?

I see my new IC today. It should be interesting because I haven’t seen a IC for quite some time and I hope she’s a good match. The last one just wasn’t a fit.

The dude wanted to start doing breathing exercises with me and then he wanted me to sense my muscles contracting, the whole upper/lower diaphragm and mind/body connection. He made sure to record the session with a cassette tape.


If there's not a good fit, you'll probably know after 1-2 sessions, imo.

But for US to know, are you a tense person or someone with an anger issue or do you get nervous? Was there an explanation for the "dude's" approach w/you?


Are you kidding me, who has a cassette player anymore!


Um, it's Kind of hard to make a CD for you right there, isn't it?

I DO see value in taping sessions in case there are questions you avoided answering, or need time to process - but might forget...or deny or block.

One reason IC is so slow is b/c when you make a breakthrough, you often have to start over the next week and it's hard to recall what helped you get where you were...SO, I can see taping the sessions to assist with that.


I film my classes and trials when I'm speaking, b/c it's easier than taping it in terms of my own personal equipment. There are several lawyers who tape their trials and then listen to them. Same goes for depositions.

It's Just way easier to recall exactly what was said or asked. So, Not to quibble w/your concerns about the prior IC, but I guess my profession is a bit old fashioned that way. We do tape and film so we won't have to rely solely on our memory. MAYBE that's why your IC wanted you to do that.

DID YOU ASK HIM WHY? If not, why not?


He gave me the cassette and suggested that I listen to the session on my own time, F that!

Do you see, now, that maybe he simply wanted you to recall, accurately, what was said or asked?

For some reason it bugged you and I don't get that. If there's not a good fit, that's fine. But taping it and asking you to listen to it does not seem that odd to me. if it's all about the breathing my guess is he follows a specific philisophical approach to therapy (Bio feedback maybe)

and you can ask next time to avoid that.

What is striking to me at the moment is how strong your reaction was to him and dismissive, as if you cannot imagine any reason and the comment about the cassette player, I can't tell if you are kidding or what. But you did not answer my questions so that is also of note.


I am all for reading but listening to an IC session over again? what a joke! Don’t get me wrong, I am all for “calmness” and “relaxing.” But this diaphragm breathing technique thing just isn't for me. Sh!t, I think I've learned how to breathe by now. I am sure that kind of stuff is good for some people but it’s just not my cup of tea.

RE: I seriously doubt that you listening to the tape of your talk with him, is about the breathing. I believe It's about what was said/asked.

If it IS about the breathing, then no matter. You'll get a new t.