To the 'gay boyfriend' status. Lets get this straight (pun intended), We are having intercourse regularly. And as far as disrespect. I pushed the discussion because I wanted to be supportive. As further validation of my efforts, she mentioned just yesterday, when I made a crude joke (something she has complained about in the past) that the joke came at a time when she was "just starting to like me again." I think progress is being made.
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree, ic. I just don't think that an OM should be a topic of conversation between a formerly wayward wife and her husband, unless YOU want to talk about it. Not because you want to be "supportive," but because you want to learn more about why she was attracted to him, why she was unhappy in the marriage, how she allowed her boundaries to be let down (so that the two of you can take steps to make sure that doesn't happen again), etc.
I think it usually saps a betrayed husband's self-esteem (and can even be emasculating). If you're okay with it though, then maybe you're one of the minority and are able to do that. I know I couldn't.
Well Starsky, I gained information about why she was attracted to him as well. To begin with, this was her ex-boyfriend from high school, someone she has known a long time, and she has confirmed that he was the only one this could have happened with (I am not foolish enough to take that as salt, but I believe their history together made this possible.) Where I am abrasive and a fighter, this guy was calm and understanding. (basically, he's a pansy) He is also married with 2 kids of his own and living many states away. This was almost entirely an emotional affair. Lots of talk of love and what not and very little action. Though they did meet and 'kiss' when they went back home together (and I am pretty sure this was all that happened, but I will never really know.) I won't spend too much time conjecturing on why that was, but I feel my W did not get the emotional connection she needed from me and he filled that hole for her (there's a pun here as well but I won't mention it. Like I said, I don't think that happened.) See my W is a fighter too and doesn't know how to back down anymore than I do, but this guy backed down as a matter of his nature (maybe he was abused as a child), but I think his passive voice is what led him to his own difficulties in his own marriage. But my wife didn't get resistance from him and she felt better with that (plus I had been depressed and really negative for a while; i.e. really arguementative). Again, I am psychoanalyzing here, due to many long months of reading about relationships and the roots of infidelity. Physically, I rock my W's world in a way this guy never could. (maybe this is my ego speaking) But I know where my deficienies lie as well; and that is in emotional support to her (and in her to me as well). If we could reach that peak I think that things would be so much better between us, and that is what is missing and needs to be fixed. Can this guy take her back? Maybe, but he will have to leave his wife and kids first (and grow some balls) which I don't believe he will do. My W needs to understand that there is only one man willing to stand up and fight for her (and it is not the passive calm pansy). And I need to show her that I will be supportive of her feelings and only fight for her and not with her; except where it really counts. Was what she did sick, yes; was it betrayal, yes; did I have a break down in which my world was flipped upside down, yes. I nearly lost everything I really cared about and that was brutal. But I am back together now and working to save my marriage, because even though there are a lot of sweet things out there, she's the one I dedicated myself to and I plan to live up to that vow.
So I understand now that my W is not satisfied with sex with me. She still has it with me however. She is leaving to visit a friend this weekend (just for a visit) and that has made me a little more edgy as well. We are both still working on the marriage. But we need to reconnect somehow. Any suggestions on ways for this to happen? I feel the distance between us and the distance is unnerving because it makes me think I would he happier elsewhere and I can only imagine it does the same to her.
So I understand now that my W is not satisfied with sex with me. She still has it with me however. She is leaving to visit a friend this weekend (just for a visit) and that has made me a little more edgy as well. We are both still working on the marriage. But we need to reconnect somehow. Any suggestions on ways for this to happen?
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not, get it right away. It's available via electronic download and you can read it right on your computer, so you can start reading it minutes from now and it sounds like you need to. Usually when a woman says there are problems in sex men think she wants to try some new position or technique, but in fact they're usually talking about the whole approach, not the act itself. Men just have an on/ off switch, we can come home, complain about work, gripe about the news, scream at the TV if our team is losing and then go into the bedroom, flip the switch and be ready for sex in seconds. That's not how it works for women. They don't have a switch, they have a rheostat that needs to be slowly turned up. Foreplay for them should take hours if not all day. It comes in the form of loving gestures such as helping with house chores, giving them a back and/ or leg rub, talking to them kindly. They need the emotional connection BEFORE the physical one. Usually when they say "I'm not satisfied with our sex life" they're saying "I hate that you ignore me and reject me all day long and then expect sex that night". The 5LL teaches you how to continuously keep her love tank full and will also teach you what your primary love language is as well as hers, and what expectations are regarding acts of love. Start reading it and start filling your W's love tank. It's not a quick fix for getting some good sex, it's a new way of life and that's how you should look at it Good luck!
The reason, from my understanding, is that she does not have the emotions that she needs nor the desire to do it. Perhaps her love bank is empty as I will elude to in more detail in the following post. 1) I feel that perhaps she is still in withdrawal from the ending of her affair. I.e. not fully ready for the piecing that we need to do. 2) Perhaps her hormones have shifted after her 3rd child. (which I desperately hope will shift back.)
I do not believe that it is due to my competence in the bed as she seems to be capable of fulfillment as I discussed in my prior post. It is definitely a desire issue.
Funny you should mention the 5 love languages. I have taken up reading it with my wife and then discussing our readings. We are not that far along yet but are working on it. But I have previously been made aware of the rheostat versus light switch. The problem is that I can do the chores with her and give her a back massage and she is still not interested. This is not to say that she will not have sex with me, but it seems entirely like she is doing it for me when she does (which is decidedly not as fulfilling). She does get aroused and climax however in the course of things. The issue is that this is a purely physical reaction for her and she claims that she does not feel the emotional involvement that she wants to feel. But to your point, the love bank needs to be filled and perhaps the emotions will come with it.
The problem is that I can do the chores with her and give her a back massage and she is still not interested. This is not to say that she will not have sex with me, but it seems entirely like she is doing it for me when she does (which is decidedly not as fulfilling). She does get aroused and climax however in the course of things. The issue is that this is a purely physical reaction for her and she claims that she does not feel the emotional involvement that she wants to feel. But to your point, the love bank needs to be filled and perhaps the emotions will come with it.
Reading your OP again it's just been a month since she ended her affair, so it's likely that she's still grieving that loss. That doesn't mean it's fair to you or that it's "right", but it's a natural reaction to losing someone you're really attached to. It may take her quite a while to sort through her emotions on that. Perhaps for now it would be best to just detach and let her heal from that first? And by detaching I mean that in the DB sense, as in lovingly giving her space and working on yourself, not ignoring her. You should be available to her if she wants to talk, but give her space if it seems like she doesn't.
