Staying off the ride 1 - mixed signals

[Tumbling]

Hi Wendylon
thanks for taking the time to post your views/questions

1. Your latest synopsis makes you sound more detached than I had gathered from your previous posts. I'm not sure whether you waver or whether your more 'take it or leave it attitude' is recent.

I guess I have been less attached to the "he must come home, I need him" outcome that I had been pursuing since his nonsense in July. Not turning up for our anniversary w/e crucified me and I started thinking - do I actually want this man/ I am worth more than this.

When he turned up in August with flowers and said he realised he'd made a mistake etc. I was cautious but curious and then got hooked in again with the regular texts whilst he was away. The sudden silence on his return early September blew me away. I had no choice but to go NC my Self and get my head straight.

Joining the board has helped me focus on what I want from my life. I'd love for us to be resolved but I am Amazing (along with the rest of the A-Z of me that I devised the other week) whether H is in my life or not and I intend to remain so.

2. There seems to be an underlying assumption that your H knows what he wants and that the problem is him telling you or acting on it.

Well he seemed pretty clear on what he wanted in August.
But I agree that's an assumption.

he may be genuinely ambivalent and changes his mind day to day (hence all the mixed signals). What if your tolerating more limbo and mixed signals were what it would take to give him a chance to become clearer?

I have spent two years of my life (I worked out that's 5% of my life) in limbo waiting for him to make a decision. Listening to him say he doesn't know what he wants/how he feels and then hanging out for a couple of months and then I blow it with my insecurities. The difference is I can accept him for who he is and what he needs to do, I just find he is less accepting of who I am and my irregular insecure behaviours.

Would you still rather end it?

We either agree to work on us or we don't. The limbo of not knowing what we are actually attempting is what I can't stand.

I'd rather call it a day than do this try/fail thing any more.

If we could talk about what/which of my behaviours cause his caving and how he could help me when I am in a tangle then we might get somewhere..

You probably can't control being sent mixed signals by him. You can only control your own sending of mixed signals--and even that isn't a given.

Don't even know what I am signalling!

3. I like your title "Staying off the ride". I'd like to know more about how you're doing it and how you assess whether or not you're staying off the ride.

These past two years since he moved out I have been leaving gaps in my w/e in case he wants to see me. These days I am making plans for me. If he was a new man in my life then I wouldnt be leaving these gaps. I seem to be staying off the ride by focusing on what Tumbling wants to do w her days.

And we haven't spent any time together since late June. That's 3 months of being with me, my Self and I which kind of helps.

I also am not expecting any thing. I didn't think he would be able to come out tonight after he mentioned that he is going a way a day early so altho I am a bit disappointed. I feel like I would if a friend had to canx cos of work. I know there is always tomorrow if we both want it, so to speak.

The other main change is I am not driving this train. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me because they choose to not because I chase them, drive them, manage them.

I want H to choose to me. The only way to do that is to let him.

Another thing. When I saw my IC last month, I said I dont know why I can't let him go. She said she wanted me to think about what that little piece inside me was that couldn't let our M go. She said to just let that q stay with me, think about it on holiday and see what turned up. She also said to find out what age it was.

And when I came back from holiday a friend picked me up and I realised I have this inner strapline/jingle that says "I'm not wanted" and another part of me was believing that I am wholly responsible for this situation. I've realised that I am only 100% responsible for my part.

4. I can really appreciate your desire for clarity in your sitch but you can't speed that up. What about giving yourself a date in the future when you assess whether or not things are any clearer?

Having a date in my head messed me up in June. Mar-Jun I was living in the now. H & I were hanging out and didnt even mention living together we just were being us and enjoying each others' company. At the time I was working through a bunch of principles I had devised for my self e.g. I own my thoughts, I watch the Thinker, I catch my Self (not reacting) etc (I blog about a diff one each wk to keep me on track). By June I would be on the ones that needed to be practiced in relationships. A friend said maybe that's when you talk to H about coming home.

At the same time another friend who I hadnt seen for awhile asked whats the story with you and H now, its been a long time. And that got me all confused that maybe he should be home etc and then things all kind of fell away for me and I started my demanding behaviours again.

So right now - no timeline - too much pressure to sort something out. I'd try and project manage it!

You say that you don't want to stay like this for 'much longer'. Do you have an idea of what that means?


It means I'm scared that I will live like this for ever and nothing will change. That's why I want this time to be different. The result will be fix or split.

5. It seems that the ball is in his court as to whether or not you see him tom night. Even that puts you in limbo. Good luck if you do see him and if you don't!

Yes - but I wasnt fussed either way. I txt at lunch and asked if he had a view about tonight yet or is it too early? Absolutely no problem if it wont work for you. He replied - I'd really like to Tumbling but I really can't. I'm so snowed under - I have so much to do. I'm so sorry. I ansa'd - Don't worry H! I totally understand. The restaurant will be there when you return...

Now I get to go to bed early with my new book.
I always have a just in case these days too!

I am no longer on operation "Get him home".
I am on mission "Amazing Me"

Sorry this is so long
Writing is so therapeutic
Tumbling