Quote: You are in a position and place where you can say what you are feeling or what is worrying you. And there may be anger or frustration on both parts, but that is SO much better than NOTHING. What I would give to be there.
Well, I am ot always in this position I really struggle with timing whne it comes to this stuff. There are times when I say something R-wise to H and he totally goes off the handle...then I get the silent treatment and end up coming on here and lamenting like an idiot, panic-stricken adn beating myself up
Once I survive the anger and H calms down we can SOMETIMES have the EXACT same convo and it'll then be constructive and we both walk away learning something new
Like I said...DB is a way of life and can always use some fine-tuning.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
One thing I learned, learned it perhaps too late, is if you are honest with spouse, they may get angry or upset intially, but they will remember you were honest and said what you thought you had to, and later on they cannot say, "well you never told me or you closed off."
Hi Zoo! I can relate to some of your sit. One being wanting more sex and feeling like h doesn't want it. And the other, is my h getting angry when I bring up r stuff.
Anyhow, I had a phone session with Joann today and I am all inspired. I'll ask you some of the same q's she asked me:
What makes him want sex more? What are you doing/saying or not doing/not saying? What is happening when he wants it? How can you do more of what works and less of what doesn't work?
Thanks for dropping by my thread! It's unbelievable how much PMA we can get from our friends on the BB! Done wallowing, lol! And feeling great! I am a little sad, just like my mom. Another book is closing and she has a new life. Leaving her home of 34 yrs must be heart wrenching! If I had to sell my home I know it will be awful!
I posted to your thread but i would like to sya again that i am glad that you are feeling much better today I keep planning to email you about the garden stuff but I always forget...my brain is a mess latley I did get some flats started and hope to finish the rest up today
I need to get some more sleep so i'll sign off, Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I know what you mean about being scared around H. I STILL feel myself tense up when H walks in the door from work and I feel myself grow wary. I also make sure that I am doing something when he walks in and I NEVER greet him at the door. One of my goals that stuck
i wonder if it is necessary anymore at times though. I think that I have used it as a kind of distance mechanism, just "in case"? Hmmmmmm....
Hugz, zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
"I wonder if it is necessary anymore at times though. I think that I have used it as a kind of distance mechanism, just "in case"? Hmmmmmm...."
I think it becomes a reflex, something we know we are doing, but just react, instead of saying, when S gets here, I'm going to run into the kitchen and do something.
It is weird how we tense up around the one person in the world we are supposed to be the most comfortable with?
Feelings of being tense are of course natural after all what we've been through and what they have been through as well. I know I walk on eggshells when I'm with WAW at times.
I really do feel it is counterproductive though. True, we do have to be sensitive and aware of everything that is going on with them and what they are trying to communicate to us in their own SPECIAL way, whether we know it or not. But I try and remember that being relaxed and comfortable is why I CHOOSE to spend time with people. I choose them because I feel this way when I'm around them, and it is important for me to be this way because others will want to be around me.
I really do think they pick up on the vibe in the air or like animals. They know us too well and it makes them tense when we are as well. When we are relaxed, it rubs off on them too.
The more WAW feels comfortable around me, the more she shares with me and the more interaction she gives me when I act in a way she feels safe around me, no pressure and no conflict. It is an old concept, and book, but Relax and Win by Bud Winter? Food for more thought.
Act as if: You feel really comfy around h & relaxed, calm, cool, collected He is happy to see you He is really glad to be with you H wants you
Ask yourself what you are telling yourself about your sit/him and see if you can change it to a more positive thought. "I'm scared things won't work; there is all this tension." to "Ok, this is a little rough and shaky right now, but I can do this. Things are on the right track, h loves me, I am a great person, I am relaxed, etc."
I really struggle with timing whne it comes to this stuff. There are times when I say something R-wise to H and he totally goes off the handle...then I get the silent treatment and end up coming on here and lamenting like an idiot, panic-stricken adn beating myself up 
I did get some flats started and hope to finish the rest up today 