Thanks guys and you are right. I came in last night/ this morning and well I got pissed. I also let him know even if perhaps I shouldn't have. Oh well. I'm in a mad stage rather than a weepy stage. I had said before I thought his staying here was a little self serving so he could go through things and get his stuff and he did the very same thing last night. Difference was, I checked before I went to bed to see if he had. Of course,he had. I had told him before I didn't like that. It hurt my feelings and made me question his motivation for staying with the kids. Yet, he did it again. The other thing is that he has just been a jerk since he was here on Sunday. Maybe it's childish but I called him on that too. What I said exactly was, I had a great time on Sunday. Did you? He said Yes. Then I get that you need space but being rude because you are confused it not really acceptable to me any more. Of course it was 2:30 in the morning. He jumps up and says fine I will just go and that was the second button he pushed. I said, Yep that'll teach me because I'm not quite used to it yet. Then I again opened my big trap and said just remember this is your choice. I am not making you do anything and I stalked off to bed. I did have to come back out of the bedroom about 40 mins later to find my inhaler. He was just laying there awake. Asked what I was looking for. I told him and we never said another word to each other. I know it was completely the wrong thing to do. I am fully aware of that. I also know though that if I hadn't said something I would be stewing. I'm not, now. Perhaps, it was the wrong way to say it. But at least it's not festering, which is what I would have done previously. Also, while I fully believe in DB'ing I don't believe in taking crap. lol If I choose to that's one thing but if I have said look this bothers me and you continue to do it then that does indeed piss me off. The other thing is my house is completely trashed. Really. That is a big big issue for me. Everyone in my family knows it is a big deal for me. The mess just gets me out of sorts.
The other thing that confused me was someone asked me out last night. It was completely unexpected. This person is just a friend and a classmate. I said no. However, to be honest, if things were different I would in a heartbeat. It helped me in the sense of knowing how I really would like to be treated. Honestly, I don't think my husband will ever be that way again. Perhaps that angered me too.
So that was my night. Sucky as it was. I don't really have the time to deal with all this today. Or maybe it is the energy. I remember my aunt told me when she was dying with ALS, " some people give you energy and other's suck it from you." Right now, H is in the latter group and I don't have the energy to deal with him. Here's to silence and a peaceful couple of days.
Today was bad. Saw H at the store in town. I wondered before about him having another cell phone and I swear I think he was buying minutes for one. He of course was all huffy and nasty and acted like I am just insane to wonder what he is doing. I didn't say anything but really I think he was acting sneaky. I don't know. I really am wearing down and this is just getting to be too much. I really don't know if I can put myself through all of this. I think I need to completely cut off all contact if possible and then once I finish school get the hell outta dodge. I don't know what else to do. I am in too much pain. This forum makes it worse in many ways. Reading all of these stories of cheating and disregard just breaks my heart. It also makes me question things that maybe I shouldn't. I am certain it is a mid life crisis he is going through. There is nothing I can do. I just find it hard to keep opening myself up for all this pain. Regardless of what anyone here says about detaching the fact of the matter is that this hurts even when you are fairly detached. I've done it all before. It's no easier now. Not at all. If anything it is even harder. I think because I have stuck it out and took it all once before. I guess I was stupid enough to think I would never have to go through it again. Surely he wouldn't do this to us again. You know? But he has. And doesn't seem to care that we are all so hurt. That's really it I think. He doesn't even care. So whatever. I'm not sure I can keep doing this. I'm not sure I can keep getting kicked in the gut every time I see him. If I have learned anything the last few weeks in a nutshell it is only that I know nothing.
Sometimes this just gets too hard. Sometimes the pain feels like it's too much to bear.
Why do we put up with it? In the face of their complete lack of care.
I'm at the point of saying, 'No more'.
But I do know that it's because I've just had a big fat spew from H.
Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow, but I know that I will not be able to keep on with this for ever.
I now find myself wishing that he'd keep away from me; in the past i would had done anything to have him call or come by.
Soon, I'll be ready to cut all ties, I think. But best not to act in response to anger on his part. When we're ready, we'll do it; not when he forces us.
I really am wearing down and this is just getting to be too much. I really don't know if I can put myself through all of this. I think I need to completely cut off all contact if possible and then once I finish school get the hell outta dodge.
Really sorry to hear about the setback. It sounded like things were going much better just a few posts ago, so perhaps this is just one of the lows. It would be nice if reconciliation was a nice straight path upwards, but unfortunately it tends to bounce up and down. Two steps forward, one back.
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Regardless of what anyone here says about detaching the fact of the matter is that this hurts even when you are fairly detached.
That's certainly true. No amount of detachment makes the pain go completely away.
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Surely he wouldn't do this to us again. You know? But he has. And doesn't seem to care that we are all so hurt. That's really it I think. He doesn't even care.
I think at some level WAS's and MLCers do care, but they sure don't show it on the outside. It seems that most do come to regret their actions later. Unfortunately many of them leave such a trail of damage in their wake that once they emerge from the fog there's no picking up the pieces.
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So whatever. I'm not sure I can keep doing this. I'm not sure I can keep getting kicked in the gut every time I see him.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now, that's going to naturally make you think you've been wasting your time. But give it a few days and see if you still feel the same way. This is an emotional roller coaster and we'd all love to just get off the darned thing, but you never know if the end may be just over the next rise.
I am feeling some better. It has not been a very good day or two here. It's improving. Thanks everyone. I am still reading and listening.
I want to remain married for many reasons. The very first one is that my husband was for many many years my very best friend on this earth. Then once his depression really kicked in things went to the proverbial hell in a handbasket. We have been through a lot in the last 5 or 6 years. It's weird. Just as I was thinking that finally we have made it through all the stress and drama is when he wigs out. I even told him that. I am almost done with school which is an enormous stressor. I really cannot describe it to someone outside. I have to say too that in the time I have been going to school I have been an @ss. Really. It is my own stress level. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. It just is part of it. It's a universal feeling among my classmates as well. Even my instructors have said many marriages just don't survive nursing school. I'm sure that sounds crazy to you guys. I really think part of this is that he is afraid I am going to leave him. Or was. He has verbalized that many many times. Even about 2 weeks before he left. That is what had me so confused. I always just tried to reassure him that was not the case. He would plead with me not to leave and make comments like that then he just up and left. I sort of feel like maybe it was a preemptive strike. I dunno.
Also, we have 4 wonderful kids who think their Dad is the best thing since sliced bread despite his issues. True unconditional love. It is killing me to see the pain they are in.
Things are actually some better with him. But it is very slow. Perhaps my biggest challenge is in fact that I want it to go faster. Truth be told, I don't think he is working through things that fast. I am starting to realize that regardless he is still listening to me even if I think he is not. He seems to internalize things for a bit while he marinates on them.
My S14 said the other day that he really doesn't feel like H being gone is permanent. To be honest, I don't really either. It's still painful though. And then when I think about him coming back then I wonder what if I am wrong?
And yes, I do need to go see IC. It has taken them several weeks to get me back in the calendar. So I will finally get to go next Thursday. I am looking forward to it somewhat but it's going to be a mess. One of the probs is that the IC I had seen for 6 years was transferred to a different facility so I am starting over with a new one. That part doesn't thrill me. I am told they have very similar styles though. So here's hoping that goes well.
MKB23, you've gone and are going through a lot. I'll say be patient with your H but also be patient with yourself. Don't pressure yourself to do anything or make decisions, or feel better, or be stronger, etc.
In my case, the IC's made me feel worse. This board has helped me so much more. My IC's only talked about how bad I felt and my possible childhood traumas, and releasing the anger, and stuff that just made me cry. Have you thought about making an appointment with a coach? My coach has helped me be a better person, and she is so positive. Love her.
I basically had another bad night. My H is using me. He is nice so long as he is getting what he wants. I sort of had a melt down and finally really confronted him. There is no PA yet but my guess is definitely an EA. Who knows. I called him on being a rude ass and basically just being a jerk in general and told him in no uncertain terms that to bring OW or someone else in would definitely be a deal breaker for me and he needs to go file if that is what he wants. I mean it too. Since the last incident I have always made it quite plain that I would not tolerate nor accept that. Ever ever again. Another boundary for me is visitation with our children with another woman around also completely unacceptable and I will block his visitation for that too. Maybe you guys don't agree with that but it is one of my only real limitations. Frankly, his own family has questioned whether he should have visitation with them at all due to the depression. So anyway, it was bad. Very bad. A 50 minute phone call from hell. It all started with him wanting me to find some of his things today. Which I did. Then being the good DB'er I even went so far as to wash all the clothes that had been in storage to try to help out and be supportive. Then of course he was nasty again tonight. I'm fairly sure I have blown it and right at the moment I don't care. I am making arrangements for the kids so I can not have contact with him for a bit. It isn't even about DB'ing. It is all about self preservation though. So that is where I am. Hope you guys are having a better experience than me.
We shall see. In some ways I know it was good that I made my boundaries clear. It is also probably best if I cut him off for a bit. Make him be alone and actually miss everyone. Since he has been gone he has repeatedly come and gone as he needs/wants and in the name of DB I have been acting as if and being supportive even when I felt like it wasn't the best thing. I have tried to be nice and just allow it but I think he needs a bit of alone time with no contact from any of us. A more formal visitation agreement. He will either miss us or he will seek to fill that hole with OW. Unfortunately, I have no control over that. Really. All I know is he is not going to take advantage of me. I honestly feel like he will do what he wants either way and this back and forth is allowing him to continue to have control over us.
